4 years ago today

I had my first boy. I was above the clouds at the thought of having a son. It was the most exciting time preparing for his arrival, buying BOY clothes, swimming in BOY colors, going to have a tiny life in my arms again after 6 years. Jude's birth was not ideal, thanks to a moronic doctor. It was the only birth out of the 4 with negative emotions attached to it- which I hate but it's true. Because of this, it was an extrememly long, painful, and exhausting labor. I wasn't allowed to labor like I wanted to, felt I needed to and just had people around me (Dr's, nurses, etc)
that were not uplifting to a laboring woman. I still remember it like it was not so much in the distant past. I still remember how I felt like I had been run over by a semi truck after he was born. I still remember feeling like I never, ever wanted to go through that again- ever! And SO glad it was OVER, the contractions wouldn't come back! I did not bounce back after that pregnancy very easily. Jude made it all worth it. He was more than I could have imagined.. cuter than I ever pictured he would be, and has just gotten cuter by the day ever since, for 4 years.

I have a hard time looking at that 4.. it stings a bit and brings about all kinds of emotions for me but most of all excitement (some fear) for what's ahead. The 3's were trying! That is an understatment. The start of the 4's, also challenging, but I think we are on the way out of a harder time, into more fun and interesting times ahead.

Jude is a remarkable child. He struggles with his words still, but he has come so far. He is the most sensitive, affectionate, and compassionate little boy. He is a better big brother than I dreamed he would be. Everything is about his baby brother and he is no less excited about him being here now, than he was the day I brought him home. I could go on about him all day if ya let me, so I'll save that for his website I guess.

It's a happy day for me intertwined with a bit of sadness, as always. I'm sure some cake later today will make that all better lol.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will always love you like no one else can.