5 years ago today

I met Chris for the first time in person. We met on a dating site of all places! Neither of us were really on there for anything but for fun. Oh a whim one day I decided to message him because his profile made me crack up. He didn't sound at all like your average guy, wasn't doing the whole romantic line, wasn't trying to make himself sound like something he was not. In fact, knowing him now I'd say he was just being himself- it was a totally corny and dorky profile. ;) Despite the fact he was located in Kansas I felt I had to message him anyway and thought who knows.. Kansas really isn't that far is it? I've never been good at geography. We talked over a period of about 3 years online, off and on, before him deciding to drive down one 4th of July weekend and meet me. We connected the moment we hugged each other and have been together ever since.

We have been through many a tough times, and I'm sure many more lay ahead for us. We have made ourselves quite the family and have both changed a lot- him more so than me. What was the free spirited party type guy that drove down here, has turned into the funny faces, funny noises, sippy cup filling, teeth brushing, putting kids to bed, children loving, falling asleep on the recliner at 9 at night- Dad that he is today.

We don't always get a long that's for sure. We disagree on most things actually lol. But the real arguments have been few and far between- which is not the norm in my relationships! We can agree to disagree. We can argue and get over it. We can be mad and then start laughing at each other and realize it's not gonna change the foundation that makes us, us. We seem to have a real balance going, despite the imbalance my life seems to have most days. If it weren't for him, things around here would be left unfixed, the kids toys, not assembled, all the little things I hate doing or won't even try to do, that is where his strength lies and thank God! I keep the house running in many different ways. I am a strong woman. I have been through more than most of you are aware of, or will go through and at such a young age, in such a short span of time. I've gained worlds of life experience in the blink of an eye. I know I can get through anything because of this. But sometimes, I misjudge my strength. Often times, most times.. I push him away because I feel like I don't need anyone at all for anything.. going back to the tough stuff I've been through. But there again, I worry.. and my worrying makes me realize how weak I really am.

The other day Chris left to the store and I thought he was making one stop and coming right back. I was busy and caught up not realizing the time. When I did I felt like it had been too long since he left. I looked at the counter where I remember seeing his phone and it was still there. It's not often he's left his phone on mistake. I then started to get really worried (I worry a lot remember?). All kinds of stuff started going through my head (nothing positive). I've lost a lot of people in my life so my head naturally zeros in on morbidity. I started thinking of all the things that would change if he never came home. What would I tell the kids, they love their Daddy more than anything in their world (well besides Momma hehe). What would I do without him and all his faults, and his quirks and his sloppiness and the way he can't ever put anything back where he got it from. The way he manages to fill not only the sink but the counter tops with crumbs when he makes toast for Jude in the mornings. The way he can't seem to shut his sock drawer or put his laundry away for 2 weeks. The way the mail organizer is overflowing because he's too lazy to go through it on a regular basis. The way his tools and crap is never organized enough for me to find a single working screwdriver. The way his clothes stink of cars no matter how many times I wash them. What would I do without that all? And suddenly it dawned on me how much I would miss all those things that bother me. Strange to think about huh?

It also dawned on me how much this man tells me he loves me ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time. How I can't count the number of times in a day EVERY day that he tells me I am beautiful, hot (this is one I don't like to hear but he won't stop saying), cute, wonderful, and many other compliments about other things. I have never had a relationship where I heard this kind of stuff on such a regular basis. The average woman would probably eat it up, but I am not your average woman. I don't like compliments, especially when I don't feel like I am any of those things, and liking myself most days is a struggle. It is a good feeling to know someone else thinks you are the moment you wake up, when your hair is sticking up all over the place and your teeth aren't brushed yet. It is a good feeling to know he could never find another woman to be a better mother to our children (okay so I DO know that one;)). All too often I take these things for granted, because they are always there. I need to stop doing that, because one day they won't be.

Happy Anniversary to us. This is the longest relationship we've ever both been in. But 3 kids, our first home and many moments later, it certainly hasn't been boring. I'm not sure what surprises lay ahead, but I hope the years will only lend to our strength.