Out of order

So I've officially (once again) reached the weight I was prior to conceiving Jude, prior to conceiving Elsha, and prior to conceiving Rye. It took a bit longer this time for whatever reason, things have been sluggish and slow going. But it's depressed me for many a months so I am happy to feel even just a little better about myself (for the moment). I need that more than most of you know.

Now my ideal weight is still 5-6 lbs lighter (depending on the day)than I am or have been in 5 years. If you do the calculations, I conceived the last 3 babies either right before or after the other turned one year old. Rye is just a bit less than 2 months away from being one year old (sobs). This year though, I've got the out of order sign hung on my uterus. I will hopefully get to maybe experience staying thin for a good length of time and maybe reaching my ideal weight eventually! Experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and birth is right up there on my list of favorite things to do, but I won't lie and say it is not a sheer assault on the human body.. especially when you do it 3 times back to back and breastfeeding in between.. I've seen/felt the reprecussions of it. I of course would go back and do it all again, wouldn't doubt for a second it wasn't worth it. ;)

The point of this post being, that as sad as I get (and as weird as it feels, and as weird as that sounds) thinking of not being pregnant when my baby turns a year old.. and the fact that my baby is turning a year old.. and many other complicated and in depth, and too far thought out feelings I go through every week at least... I in turn can look forward to finally, after about 2 years, being comfortable in my skin (my friends will be happy to hear me say this I know). And I can in turn look most forward to enjoying my baby boy and all his wonders of life as he heads into his 2nd year of life on this earth. It's easy to miss the excitment, and fascinations, laughs, smiles, cute little things that happen on a daily basis with babies- with your eyes propped open with toothpicks, and head stuck in a toilet. Okay, so those are the negative things lol, but it's indeed true I have missed ALOT in the kid's lives between the ages of 1 and 2 and it saddens me. I wish I could duplicate myself and give my all to every one one of them, but as we all have that wish, we know it's just a wish and spend the rest of the time trying to keep up.

Sometimes I envy people with 2 kids. It seems the perfect number alot of the time but for me, it just wasn't perfect. ;) And then I see them all interact and love on eachother from the start of a day, until the end and I know why I went past 2. =) It surely sucks when sickness visits us, as it still is right now.. and the worry comes to me and won't let me go. I am no less paranoid after 4 than I was being a first time mom, but that is just me being a worrier. And it surely sucks when you come up on another birthday and another year gone by, because time will never slow down no matter how much I seem to fight against it. And in fact for those of you without kids, if you ever want to speed your days up.. have a child. If you really want to see things fly by, have more than one.

Much more blogging about my feelings on this topic later I'm sure, as Rye's big day approaches. Get ready to get bored. ;)
Oops, if you weren't already. No one promised this blog to be exciting. hehe.