in a nutshell

ive come to the realization i need medical help for my depression. problem? i have no insurance, no money to buy insurance and of course no money to see a dr without insurance. see that cycle? that is how everything in my life runs, in that damn circle.

apparently the governor here has passed a new low cost health ins plan that should take effect the beginning of next year. how or when i will be able to apply for it is a mystery, but im waiting.

i can no longer carry this burden around with me anymore and function as a mother.. let alone just a normal functioning adult. all i do in life anymore is go through the motions, i don't enjoy it, i dont enjoy much of anything, yet i can fight back the tears at all the things that could be better, and refuse to get that way. sure, i have good days. they last usually an entire day and then i have a couple really bad ones to follow it. those good days, i have energy, i feel a sense of optimism yet have no tangible reason for it, it's just that i wake up that way. the rest of the week is more of the bad stuff. i wake up, i hit repeat and i begin the daily struggle that is my life. i dont want to live this way anymore, because im missing out on daily miracles which are my kids. ive tried and tried and i cannot get out of this rut for any length of time to get any clarity or any mental strength to get even a few steps higher than where i am.

its not easy being a mom, but it shouldnt be this hard. its this hard because i have no patience, my nerves are shot, my head is thinking on how we are going to get to next week so i cant even enjoy the moment for what it is- even thought that is all any of us really have. i can no longer be happy for anyone else that has good things in their life. i spend my time feeling envious of them, because everything about my life has to just suck so much. its been this way for so long! this isnt like a couple bad months. between carrying the weight of money issues, health issues i cannot address because i dont know what they are past knowing something isn't right.. battling the health issues, battling the anxiety eating at me and the depression. i dont even have time to get to just being a good mom, taking care of the house, all the freaking animals i wish we didnt have, and that add greatly to my load of daily work. i want to hide but i cant. i want to run away from everyone, but i cant. most days i feel completely alone and without hope, no light waiting for me at the end of a hard day- nothingness. this feeling scares me because it makes me not want to keep trying, yet i will keep trying because my kids need me.. but feeling that way, just makes me cry. unless youve been where i am, you will not understand why you cant just chin up, look at the good stuff youve got and shake it off. no, when you can't find the ways in which to do that, you are left floundering all by yourself. i dont have a support system, i dont have real friends that i can reach out to or hug or go sit and have a talk with. and i think being 31 without friends is highly abnormal really, but it is what it is. chris tells me i am not alone, he will always be here with me, and yes i know he will.. but it's not the same. i am grateful for him yes, and he could very well end up being my best friend because i don't have much else besides our kids. but as most women know, having even one woman in your life to be by your side, understand things the men in our lives dont, there's no replicating it. and oddly enough, on my very worst of days, it seems no one i try to talk to is on the other end. i dont know what that should tell me, or shouldnt tell me. it just makes the pit in my gut deeper.

i do want to reach out but there is nothing to reach out for, so i find myself going inward again. i briefly researched st johns wort last night and i am going to start taking it, in hopes it helps in some way. ive always been prone to depression my entire life. i suffered from PPD after i had emma. i went to the dr then and at that time, they wouldn't give me anything while nursing, even st johns wort so i just went home and sucked it up. i was so scared i would have it worse with the other kids but it wasn't bad at all. i had a hard time after elsha but i got out of it. alot of is due to the circumstances in our life that are unchanging i know, and some of it maybe is not, i really have no way of knowing. i just want to be happy and there is no magic pill for that i am well aware. i have the tools to get through many things that have been and could be thrown at me, but i guess i am just tired, im tired of fighting it all or maybe ive exhausted all that strength i once had, i have no answers.

am i grateful for what i DO have? dont even think for a second i do not know what i have that is good.. my kids come to mind first and their health. i KNOW there are people worse off than i am. people that are homeless, or dying or their kids are ill come to mind. i am grateful we still have a roof even if it is far too small, but it doesnt take away that i am pissed off about everything else. and i dont think its fair to ask me not to be either. i dont need the pep talks, because believe you me, when my life didnt suck as bad, i gave a mean pep talk too. come talk to me when your life has been turned upside down and you have no security in anything. when everything youve looked forward to, worked towards or wanted was nothing more than smoke in mirrors. come talk to me then and tell me how you got through it.