Faith = 0

I've had a life by no means easy, by no means without heartache, without heart wrenching, mind numbing pain.. many years of it actually.. not without those things, that is. I once had a close co-worker tell me (the day I was to find out my husband was killed in a car accident) that because I had had SO much turmoil for so long, that there was to come a time when I would be able to be peaceful and to live without this all, and my hard times were soon to come to an end and I would have the happiness I deserved. She was right. After a time of much much more stress, in a variety of areas,.. I found Chris and we have since have created 3 blessings (in the way of children), and after today, that is all I can think of that has been positive in my life in the last 8 years. After some (not a whole lot) thought, I am wondering about this.. I haven't taken the thoughts very far because to be honest, I am drained emotionally these days and I don't have it in me. But nonetheless it's interesting that the only things that have brought me any sort of peace and happiness and positivity and light in this world in EIGHT whole years, have been children.. no wonder I keep wanting them ha.. nothing else GOOD happens in my life! I mean sure, little things .. but nothing I can write home about and say WOW, things are really turning around for me/us, no.

Point being, I am quickly losing hope about our life ever getting easier, less stressful or less ANYTHING bad. If I was a religious person, this is right about the time I would be losing all faith in God and look like the fool who puts all his belief in him, only to be let down and made to look like I am holding on to a God who does not take care of me.

THAT I often think of but again, let it go because well.. I am far too busy to linger on these details. Life sucks, but it never slows down. Kids never stop needing to get shuttled here and there, need juice and cereal and milk and cookies and toys and crayons, and school stuff and pictures, field trips.. science lab lists, club actitivites, meetings and conferences, parties, donations, GAS to reach all these destinations. This is just part of what distracts my head on a partial daily basis. The rest is what I'm not currently producing brain activity in... it will come to me again and soon.

It is true we are still here, most of us are healthy (I on the other hand am a mess but will never be able to afford insurance to get to any Dr's), and most definitely kicking, albeit out of a sheer fit from being mad at life, and not so much feeling strong anymore. I have been beaten down by life and I don't know how much longer I am going to mentally hold up. I have been the glue that holds us together in many ways and if I can't keep doing that, then where will we be? Unfortunately faith doesn't put food on our shelves and keep our electricity on, it doesn't pay our mortgage so we can keep the roof that we've grown out of, over our heads. It does not put gas in my car, or at least since Chris is the one with this so called 'faith' it hasn't put gas in his. It sounds good when people say it, and almost convincing for the one with a desperate heart. I am desperate, I have been there and when I was, faith got me nowhere. Today I have the internet and the kids are fed and we still have our house that is far too small yet Chris is killing himself to try to pay for, but no one can tell us what next week will bring. Our life has no security in any area, and I'm tired of living this way. And in the meantime I'm trying to fgure out at what point in time we did something so wrong, immoral or unjust as to be paying the price for this long.

So if there is a God, shine a little light down on us and show us you're there. I've only ever tried to be a good person and do right by others, take care of my own and anyone else I can, even if it means not taking care of me. I want to enjoy my children while they are children and not be sick to my stomach every day because something else is falling down around us, I don't want to grow old this way. It's obvious the control is no longer ours, if it ever was..
and I'm waiting for a lifeline.. .

..

My Gang as of late

So they are cute and crazy and chaotic and they drain me and.... I want more of these?! (maybe) =D But they ARE pretty cute eh? hehe

Sharin' the cuteness

We have I believe 13 diapers now. Not ALOT! but enough to get us by with washing every other day like I had wanted. I wouldn't mind a few more mostly because umm, I'm obsessed? You heard it here first. ;) But for any of you that either CD or have been interested to try it, how can you resist seeeing these on your little ones's tush? It's not at all easy! which is why I endlessly window shop for more. =) These 2 are my latest arrivals... more Green Acre Designs.

Green feels Good =)

So, I decided to buy some clothesline to start hanging my dipes on sunny days to get a good airing out or sunning. We are doing well so far in our journey, with a couple snags along the way. So far though, despite a few bumps and finding out what works for us best, I really love this way of diapering. It's only made me want to do more and more things in a 'greener' way. I try to keep improving upon things in our life and home that I can change or at least make better. It's become a way of life almost to not be so fast just to toss something out, without first thinking what else I could possibly use it for and recycle into a brand new purpose. I feel guilty now for using any plastic bags at all at the stores.. either if I forget to bring them all with me, or I have too much for the 3 cloth bags I own. So I will be buying a few more very soon so I can avoid the plastic ones altogether. And just when you think you've found your new groove, your fiance goes and buys a pack of paper plates... to make your life with 4 children 'easier'. He caught a bit of smack for that but what are ya gonna do..(I don't use them he does hehe), he meant well, in his own lazy man way, :D

I've never hung clothes in the sunshine before, and I loved it. It made me feel one step closer to nature, and one step closer in the right direction on the way to my goal of simplifying our life.. a good spirit lifter for me as of late.

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You!...

Happy Birthday Miss Kiley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. (and many moooooooooooooore) hehehe.

I wish I was there to give you a BIG GIRL birthday hug!!!!! But since I can't.. Here are SIX big computer hugs for the princess! ..oooooo's!!!!!!Those were hugs but I'll throw in a couple kisses too! xx's!!

I hope you had the best birthday ever so far! And that your Momma's cupcakes were yummy-lish-ish!!!

Sweetest big girl dreams to my favorite 6 year old!!!!!!

~Auntie Kris