Out of order

So I've officially (once again) reached the weight I was prior to conceiving Jude, prior to conceiving Elsha, and prior to conceiving Rye. It took a bit longer this time for whatever reason, things have been sluggish and slow going. But it's depressed me for many a months so I am happy to feel even just a little better about myself (for the moment). I need that more than most of you know.

Now my ideal weight is still 5-6 lbs lighter (depending on the day)than I am or have been in 5 years. If you do the calculations, I conceived the last 3 babies either right before or after the other turned one year old. Rye is just a bit less than 2 months away from being one year old (sobs). This year though, I've got the out of order sign hung on my uterus. I will hopefully get to maybe experience staying thin for a good length of time and maybe reaching my ideal weight eventually! Experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and birth is right up there on my list of favorite things to do, but I won't lie and say it is not a sheer assault on the human body.. especially when you do it 3 times back to back and breastfeeding in between.. I've seen/felt the reprecussions of it. I of course would go back and do it all again, wouldn't doubt for a second it wasn't worth it. ;)

The point of this post being, that as sad as I get (and as weird as it feels, and as weird as that sounds) thinking of not being pregnant when my baby turns a year old.. and the fact that my baby is turning a year old.. and many other complicated and in depth, and too far thought out feelings I go through every week at least... I in turn can look forward to finally, after about 2 years, being comfortable in my skin (my friends will be happy to hear me say this I know). And I can in turn look most forward to enjoying my baby boy and all his wonders of life as he heads into his 2nd year of life on this earth. It's easy to miss the excitment, and fascinations, laughs, smiles, cute little things that happen on a daily basis with babies- with your eyes propped open with toothpicks, and head stuck in a toilet. Okay, so those are the negative things lol, but it's indeed true I have missed ALOT in the kid's lives between the ages of 1 and 2 and it saddens me. I wish I could duplicate myself and give my all to every one one of them, but as we all have that wish, we know it's just a wish and spend the rest of the time trying to keep up.

Sometimes I envy people with 2 kids. It seems the perfect number alot of the time but for me, it just wasn't perfect. ;) And then I see them all interact and love on eachother from the start of a day, until the end and I know why I went past 2. =) It surely sucks when sickness visits us, as it still is right now.. and the worry comes to me and won't let me go. I am no less paranoid after 4 than I was being a first time mom, but that is just me being a worrier. And it surely sucks when you come up on another birthday and another year gone by, because time will never slow down no matter how much I seem to fight against it. And in fact for those of you without kids, if you ever want to speed your days up.. have a child. If you really want to see things fly by, have more than one.

Much more blogging about my feelings on this topic later I'm sure, as Rye's big day approaches. Get ready to get bored. ;)
Oops, if you weren't already. No one promised this blog to be exciting. hehe.

2 things i love

1. My children
2. A camera

They go well together dontcha think? =)

sick

sick i hate being sick, why am i sick.. please go away. i can't think today being sick. and did i mention everyone too is also sick like me, but worse because i can handle being sick... sort of. i am good at cleaning (i think that's about it), dirt and puke, poop and pee... im good at those things. perhaps i should have been a nurse and at least get paid to clean up after sick people. oh then but wait, did i mention i can only clean up after me and my own.. my own not so much when they hit like 6, then it gets some how much more gross. especially if you have morning sickness, then cleaning up vomit is just not good for that. i dont have morning sickness but i did once and had to clean up vomit, and i can tell you, you don't want to have to do that.

i am in the twighlight zone. this sickness has done me in and i dont know what it is, but it's not kind to me.. or the others. i want to feel like me again and be able to concentrate on one thing for longer than the 2 mins it takes to enter and leave my head. im going in circles around here wondering where i was going mid way through the circle. this isn't good!

everyone here is glassy eyed and spacey, grumpy, whiney, snotty and coughing up part of a lung. i run around with my thermometer taking temperatures.. 1, 2, 3, 4.. doling out medicine, getting noses to blow and wiping and or suctioning the noses that don't know how. clorox wipes are a dear friend as is my washer and dryer. these 2 things i would never want to live without.

but now im sick to my stomach probably from surviving on some coffee, a beer, 4 saltines and 3 pickle chips. hmm, that'll do it. at least i've lost a little weight. i'd rather not be...

SICK. =(

leave us alone.

Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower

~Albert Camus


Tomorrow is the anniversary of your birth, one year ago. I remember it vividly even though not my own. I waited patiently for your arrival, all 9+ months of it. Your Momma and I talked alot, mostly daily about you and all kinds of other stuffs that sometimes mattered, and sometimes not. Despite getting ready to have another baby of my own, I was more excited to hear when you finally graced this earth with your presence. Your Momma has very special children to me and I was so excited to see you join them, and the details of your little face.

I kept the last email from your Momma before she gave birth to you, dated Tuesday, October 16, 2007 5:03 PM ..
" water broke...going in."

We had been talking all day if this was to be the day of your birth! And I really felt it would be but, I was boiling over with excitement when that email came through! By that time, it was too late to respond back but I waited for what seemed like many hours for the text message update of how you both were doing. I was so happy to find out you were here and that all was well. I slept with my phone beside my bed so your Mom could text me anytime she wanted to and I'd be there for her. I remember awakening in the wee hours of morning to the first photo of you. .. what an awesome feeling to finally see you after all that time waiting!

I've watched you grow over the last year, and faster than I think anyone would like you to have. ;) I am looking forward to another year of watching you change and learn (and get cuter!). I hope I get to meet you one day, and you don't think I'm a total weirdo for wanting to give you big squishy hugs if only being your long distance Auntie, whom you've never seen (in person) lol.

You are loved little girl.
Happiest of Birthdays to you.

Tis the season

to paint pumpkins. This is the first year I've done this, having gotten the idea from my friend Lisa. They had fun. The pumpkins turned out looking a little abused rather than painted, but who cares... the peace and quiet I got out of it, and the fun and mess they got out of it, was all worth it. =)

Now, I'm just waiting for Winter here in lovely (insert sarcastic voice) Florida, so we can feel the Fall. Oh how I love Winter because I live in this state. I am longing for it to lift the mood draping over me.

The shape of things

The other night as I was kissing Jude goodnight, I told him I was going to go walk around the block. He asked me to repeat was I was going to do, and then with a huge smile and laughter informed me that "MOM, blocks aren't round!!".

lol.

I had to then try to explain, which well, I never did, I simply responded with a question (as I like to do with children)"'they're not?".

It is completely impossible to replicate the mind of a child, but I love watching them work and hearing what comes out those busy little places. =)

Ma and God~ the great Shel Silverstein

**Reading to my children the other day, this one gave me a much needed chuckle**

God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Use your fork."
God gave us voices - Ma says, " Don't scream."
Ma says eat broccoli, cereal and carrots.
But God gave us tasteys for maple ice cream.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, " Use your hanky."
God gave us puddles - Ma says, "Don't splash ."
Ma says, "Be quite, you father is sleeping."
But God gave us garbage can covers to crash.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Put your gloves on."
God gave us raindrops - Ma says, " Don't get wet."
Ma says be careful, and don't get too near to
Those strange lovely dogs that God gave us to pet.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Go wash 'em."
But God gave us coal bins and nice dirty bodies.
And I ain't too smart, but there's one thing for certain ~
Either Ma's wrong or else God is.

...

The sound of small chatter fills the empty space I’ve grown used to
I’ve grown against hope
I’ve been blown where the wind has told me to go
Far from where I’d been
Anything or anyone I hold
Dear is leaving me
I’ve been told
In so many words

I guess everyone has to have a reason to be happy
People don’t get it when you don’t
And no one really wants to know otherwise
So I smile and I am polite and
No one is the wiser
I fall down when I am out of view

No one comes to check on me these days
Being alive accounts for too much
Anymore
Waking up doesn’t mean
I want to be here
It just means I woke up
And
No one else can fit in this room
It’s crowded complete with all my trouble
Yet space has a way of making room for more
Of those
I am growing old alone
Right alongside you
Alongside me

I’m disturbed
Sleep brings me no relief
I’m pushed down and the surface is
too hard to see
Sure I’m gonna make it
Been brainwashed into thinking I’m stronger than
this

But at the end of the day
I’m still dying inside
Your worlds are
Slowing down and looking
More blue and more green
With smiles upturning
I am slowly going blind
Very far
Away