looong time

no update.

guess cause in good ways, i've been busy and content.. and pretty happy, and busy. oh i said that, i'll say it again, i've been busy. i was starting to believe good things come around eventually for all of us, but i've had it all torn down again, like it always is. life is a SICK JOKE. and i might not hate it right now, but i don't like it, at all. i'm getting real tired of hearing people complain about the stupidest and most trivial of things, that if they were in my shoes, would have either jumped off a bridge or been admitted into a mental hospital. i've done neither of these things, tho i won't lie and say they've not crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

the st johns wort i've been on for a couple of months now, has helped tremondously and without it i fear what my life would be. i don't have any plans of stopping it any time soon, if anything, increasing my doseage. i don't have insurance as we all know, so real meds are out. i'm just SO TIRED. emotionally, i'm gone.. tapped out. mentally? that happened first. physically i'm getting by with lots and lots and lots of caffiene. i have no real energy, whatsoever. i think any energy i used to have has been spread so thin in the two above mentioned areas, that i'm spent. done deal.

i want us to be able to stop worrying for 5 minutes and be happy as a family where we are, but something is preventing it at every turn. nothing ever works out. we STILL cannot catch a stupid break, anywhere, in any part of our lives. WHY?!!!!!!!!?????????????????? why does everyone else's life i know suck so much less? i dont know what i've done. i've been more than generous. i put out as much good energy and thoughts as comes naturally (which is more than you'd think someone as jaded as me would be able to muster). but.. it doesn't come back. what comes back is more bad news, more crap. more money issues, more house issues, burying us deeper in this hole that's been swallowing us for almost 2 years now.

i'm waiting for other people to take this burden off of me and feel the evil life can pour down on you. i'm tired of taking it all and i don't want any part of it any more. someone hasn't gotten the message. maybe i've made it clear this time.

back to cleaning through a stress induced migraine. at least i'll never run out of cleaning to bring me some sick level of happiness.

**OH, and my youngest boy is officially walking... he still crawls too thank goodness hehe. it's the most adorable thing ever. course it makes me sad he's growing up right along with the others but it's still exciting. and i'll take anything positive at this point!**

if i think of anything else good to post i guess i will, or won't as the case may be.