death/life

i am going to write because i need to. i have no idea if i am going to publish this post, but when nothing else works and i get to this point in my life, which i've not been in years... this is my home. the only way i know how to get this suffering out of me, at least for the moment.

i do alot of thinking. perhaps more than your average person. i would bet all my money on this being true. i spend large amounts of time every day thinking about LIFE in general. my life, the lives of my family, my friends, anyone that i care about and people i do not even know. i wonder about them and their situations. i have empathy for them or i have joy. sometimes i feel anger, or many other emotions. my point is, i do this alot. i find myself daydreaming almost taking into account the big picture. the fact we may lose our house, my kids are being brats, someone hurt someone else's feelings, someones seemingly in better shape than me...maybe more financially stable at the moment..all of that falls away. it falls away every day and easily. i don't care and it doesn't matter. and i wish everyone in the world could just not care and let it fall away and realize what is really going on in life. where are we really headed. what are our actions doing to other people. why shouldnt being kind matter. why can't people stop being so selfish and concentrate on other people more.

i sat with a computer on my lap, in a quickly darkening room
as if i had intentions to do something
but all i could do is sit
and think
and think some more and people ask what im doing
'"nothing."
what are you going to do they ask
"nothing." and nothing is good enough for me.
cause i really didn't have any plans.
i just wanted to sit, and stare and let my eyes relax so that they lose focus even though they pretend to look busy.
my head was



just weeks ago i remarked to friends and family that i would rather welcome the news of new life any day of the week than the news of someone i love dying... they will probably remember hearing this from me if they are reading...

and once again i have received both.
this isn't the first time in my life i have been beaming with a tiny heart beating inside of me while i watch someone i love die in front of me.
there is nothing like it. it is a very tearing experience.
there is life flourishing, thriving, stronger every day
there is hope
there is purpose
this is what grounds me

death takes this away.

today i was laying in bed late this morning.. greedily taking advantage of not having to be up early to take anyone to school. i laid there thinking back on my children as babies and how and when their names came to be chosen.
i mentally went through the experience again, one by one. i do this alot too.. relive experiences, over and over and over. i guess i need to.
first came my firstborn.. emma.
that brought to mind my grandmother..my father's mother.
i remember letting gavin choose emma's name. i had no part in it. i was different then and didn't even bother to look. he knew what he wanted to name her and i loved it as soon as i heard it. emma plum it would be... if she were a she.
but if she were not, he would have been named after my father, vincent.

i was recalling all of this and as i was i remember a day gavin and i drove out to see my grandmother while i was pregnant and hadn't found out what gender the baby was. we were walking out to the car and i remember her shouting out about a name.. we told her if it were a boy,what his name would be. she smiled.
i will never forget it, the way she smiled.
i knew it touched her and it was one of those smiles that speaks volumes, silently.


why today of all days these memories decided to flood back to me i don't know but then..
this afternoon i was given the news that my grandmother is dying.

i have no words to express the emotions surrounding this piece of information. i can't even remember a time in my life i have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time,or all at once.
even though my grandmother, and my whole fathers side of the family have been estranged in recent years.. her and i were once very close. during the very hardest time in my life, when i was going through a custody battle and separation she was there for me just as i needed her to be. we talked just about every night. it was a very special time in my life to finally have a bond with her the way that i did. i was very alone at that time and she kept me going, even laughing. she was very good at making me laugh. i was one step closer to my history, where i come from since i feel i lost so much losing my dad at such a young age.

alot has happened between then and where we are now. too much to write in one book of a blog post. but despite the estrangement of my family once again, i still had many fantasies of sitting back down to talk to my grandmother and hearing all her stories.
hearing stories of my father and my grandfather, learning where i come from and what i can tell my children.
i daydreamed of the day i got to see her again, and when i was able to bring her great grandchildren to meet her,
the 3 of them that she has never seen. i wanted her to know that i named my 2nd son after hers.
i wanted her to be happy and proud.

being 32.
having lost so many people in my life, i feel like i lose another piece of my past that i will never get back and sometimes i never even got to know.
so in growing older, i feel im growing more empty.
having 4 children, i wanted to know her secret.
i wanted her to know how much i looked up to her, and respected her
for not being a perfect mother
but for giving life to 5 people and raising, caring and loving them.

being 32 and having 4 children i know just how difficult this task is, even early on. this made me have an even stronger desire to learn
and talk to a very strong woman and mother that i admired, as another woman and mother now that i am grown.
she is the reason i wanted a large family
and the fact that family either leave or just decide to go away is the other reason. leaving mine very small.
i wanted lots of children, that had children and spouses and big gatherings at holidays
and lots of voices, small and of all ages
and lots of love
never falling short.

this news is forcing my head to say no. it's over.
the fantasies have to end.
another piece of your history is going away.
your chance is gone.

just like it happened with my father
just like it happened with my father's father
just like it happened with my mother's mother
my mother's father died before i was born.

and guess what? everyone's life will go on tomorrow and the next day, and next week too.
suddenly someone else will bombard me with petty shit i don't care about and i will be sitting here spending too much time thinking about what my life is really all about.

tomorrow i will be going to see my grandmother who is dying who i have not seen in many years.
i remember her, well.
and im afraid.
ive turned into a little girl fearing death.
i'm afraid to be confronted with it
to be that close to it.
i am hurled back in time to the age of 11
visiting my father in the hospital as he suffered and withered in front of my eyes.
will it hurt so much that i break apart
and come undone
i think that it will.
and why should i fear feeling
hurting
its a part of life
as is death
im old enough to know this. but im still afraid. i think and then inside me says no. you can't do it, you won't make it through.
but im old enough to know feeling so much that it aches in your body and crying to the extent your jaws ache, your eyes burn
isn't going to kill me.

this is one of those times in life you must do what you have to, and what is right. any other choice, would be selfish. i am not a selfish person, and i raise my kids the same way. we are surrounded by a world full of selfish people and we must be the good in the world. some of us are still out there. and thanks to me, a few more will be.

so,
there is alot going on in my life at the moment. but there always is and if there wasn't
it wouldn't be
my
life.
this month was the month i miscarried 6 years ago.
this month is the month jude was born 5 years ago
this is the month my mother's mother died 4 years ago.
this is the month i conceived elsha right after my grandmother passed, 4 years ago.
this is the month my first son starts kindergarten, in just 2 days.
this month, i am carrying new life. GOD, please, if you are listening, protect it for me.
this is the month my grandmother may die.

we are trying to find where we belong right now. if we can stay in our home or if we have to move and call somewhere else home for awhile.
we have found a new home for one of our family pets, yukon. because he no longer is happy here. this will not be easy for our kids.
but all that stuff is easy
compared to this.
this is the stuff that goes around my brain every day.
this is why i don't know anyone like me, and why i cant relate to those i do know.
and in the same breath i want to enjoy the life i have now. because it will not stay the same. it may worsen, it may surprise us all and get alot better. we don't know what's in store, but i am content for it to remain as it is...for as long as it should.
i don't want for much.
i want us to all be healthy
and we will be happy because we are loved.
no matter where we go, or what trial is given next we will come out on the other side.
a bit older
a bit more weary.
a bit kicked around
stronger.
wiser.
humbled.


i'm glad today is almost over..
and i can rest my head for awhile and pretend it didn't happen.