meaningful utterances and utter nonsense

Ah...change.

2009-12-03T08:50:00.003-05:00

so i am still here and still kickin', or rather getting kicked... by 2 babies within my very large stomach hehe. we have now been in our new house for a whole month. moving for me was exxxxxxxxxxxxxxhausting, but i wasn't expecting anything less in my err.. condition. i've busted my butt more than i ever have these last few months, and boy am i feeling it. we are so happy to have moved on. the kids and us love where we are now. we all function SOOOO much better, and i actually feel like we live a more 'normal' life now for our circumstance. we found a home for our one dog yukon, and yiska has adjusted very well to being a lavished inside dog, with the sole responsibility of guarding her family!

in a nutshell, things have been hectic and great. i now see my regular dr. every 2 weeks, and a specialist in between. then there are school clubs, and functions and more appointments, holidays.. 2 birthdays this month as well as christmas..all while we prepare for twins that could be here as soon as NEXT MONTH guys!!!! at which time will also be Emma's birthday. PHEW! life as we know it, is changing rapidly and will continue to do so for a good while after the babies come and mold our life into something else entirely. =) but hey, these beats the same old same old!

speaking of the twins, as of the last scan they are doing awesome, growing very well and happily doing so! but right now i've got to get 2 kids and myself ready to go see my OB for another check up, so i must be running! i wanted to just update this old thing. i'll try to add more later.

Still kickin'

2009-10-25T21:57:00.005-04:00

Before my battery dies I wanted to update this darn blog that I don't seem to have time for much anymore. I am loving the weather as of late.. well not todays nor yesterdays (still in the 90's), but we have been getting a couple of cold fronts officially and every year at this time I fall in love with Florida.. this is the ONLY time this happens I might add. ;) Once 'Winter' that is more like your Fall comes to an end, I'll want out again.

I am now seeing a specialist for my pregnancy since I am carrying twins. I found out 3 weeks ago at my first visit, they are identical GIRLS, yes girls girls. That makes lots of girls around here (and hormones: cringe), but hey.. the ratio had to be thrown off eventually I guess. ;) The most important part is that as of 3 weeks ago they are healthy and growing well. I will go back every couple of weeks for scans to check on them and make sure they keep that up. I go again in 2 days and I can't wait!

Last but certainly not least, WE ARE MOVING!! HURRAY!!!!!!!!! After much searching and some bubbles burst, we found a home we both like and that has everything I was looking for in one, to suit our expanding family. We will be moving on or before the 1st of November, which was my goal date when we started all of this- and I really can't believe it worked out that way. Chris and I are very excited to be able to move forward. Scary to go back to the normal world of paying mortgage/rent after not for so long.. but it's GOOD! We've needed to get out of this God forsaken limbo and back on our feet. Our house will be listed as a short sale as soon as we are out of here, and we hope and pray that works out so we can avoid foreclosure after all.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much going on, but those are the highlights. This week is packed day in and day out with appointments and to-do's, and then the big move at the end of it all. I need to take a few deep breaths!! ....
And find where I packed my energy. ;)

New stuff

2009-09-17T08:03:00.003-04:00

A LOT has gone on as of late. A lot of bad, and there is always good even if you are like me and have to look for it.

I've not really been in a blogging mood since learning the news of my Grandmother being sick. But it is time to move onto other things. Her death has not let me express my thoughts and feelings surrounding it just yet, so I've not even attempted to do so. I'm better at putting those into the form of poetry, and that might be all that happens, eventually, when my head and heart are not in so many conflicting places at once.

On to positive news, we have just learned last week that our family is growing.. much more than we had anticipated it would. Not by just one, but by TWO babies!! That's right, I am carrying twins. I guess our no family history and my 4% chance of it happening was great enough this time. =) I am very excited, and just hope everything will go as well as it can the rest of this pregnancy (which could only last another 4 months), and with the babies themselves. I am open to my life changing in huge, giant ways because well, it's certainly going to. I'm going to have to let things slide, bend a lot more in so many areas, ask for help? EEEK. I just don't know what to expect, there is much that awaits us from here on out. First and foremost I want to enjoy everything about this pregnancy because it is most definitely unique and special, nothing about it can compare to carrying just one baby. It's going to be amazing, and already has been incredibly challenging!! I am a veteran Mom and this time has sent me through the ringer and back early on.
Oh, but worth it, it will be.

We are also on a mission to find a new home ASAP! As some of you know, we own a VERY small home that we outgrew, well very quickly after moving here. We moved here with 2 kids and one on the way. We had planned on staying 2 years and then selling and moving to something larger. As most of us know, on the average, things don't go as planned.. as least for us they don't. The economy went down the crapper, as did Chris' income because he is in the automotive industry that took a huge hit, our lives fell behind fast and now we are buried in what we owe on our too-small-for-us house. We are looking into any available rental that could possibly suit as as far as location, size, and price. Fortunately for us, there is a lot out there, more so in further out areas as we are now.. but a lot nonetheless. And also because this whole country is feeling what we are, owners are desperate to get tenants in to pay their mrtg's and by now, having a foreclosure on your record has become old news.

So, we hope to find as ideal of a place as possible here very shortly and get out of this house. Get settled into something much larger than this 1100 sq ft, 3 bdrm 1 bath home with no garage- 6 people, 2 giant breed dogs, and 4 cats share, well before said babies arrive.
Yes, I have kept my sanity if you're wondering. =) And a clean and tidy house too. I've been told other people could never be me lol, and they are probably right. It is not easy, but I'm good at making the best of the cards dealt to me at the time.
Nothing stays the same, there is not much further in the down direction things could go for us, they WILL change and everything always improves from where it is, eventually. That keeps me going. I will say I canNOT wait! to move! I sit daydreaming about houses. I don't know what it's like to have room that we NEED, I'm so used to roughing it around here.
I'm so used to kicking someone out of the bathroom because 2 people are waiting to use it.
I'm so used to 2 people being in the kitchen and constantly running into each other so no more than 2 are allowed.
I'm so used to not being able to have an adult conversation with Chris when kids are awake because 4 kids in a small space such as this, have no place else to go but in our faces carrying on while we yell to hear each other.
We won't mention how finding a place to put food is a chore,
and the fact that because we have no storage one tiny room has to serve 3 purposes,
a garage, laundry room and pantry in one.

Sound fun yet? Well we've done a lot of cursing of this place, not to mention it's almost 30 yrs old and falling apart. But, I will still miss it and all the memories we made here.
Bringing home the 2 babies we did here,
the Christmas's we've had here,
many memories and they are good ones.
This home does not harbor the stress it has brought us surprisingly, the love has overshadowed it.
I still enjoy the bright morning sun shining on me as I write this, just as much as I did the first morning I spent here.
And, I will miss the great neighborhood! But, we hope to stay near by because I really don't want to pull my kids out of school at the beginning of the year and switch. I guess whatever we have to do, will be what is done. We are exploring all of our options. If moving to a different city allows us a 4 or 5 bedroom house in our budget, where we will obviously be able to stay longer than a years time, than that would most likely be the smart choice verses taking a larger 3 bdrm here and having to move again so soon.

See? There is a lot going on.. again? or still. But I will take today as it comes,
just one more day
where anything can happen.

death/life

2009-07-21T19:22:00.006-04:00

i am going to write because i need to. i have no idea if i am going to publish this post, but when nothing else works and i get to this point in my life, which i've not been in years... this is my home. the only way i know how to get this suffering out of me, at least for the moment.

i do alot of thinking. perhaps more than your average person. i would bet all my money on this being true. i spend large amounts of time every day thinking about LIFE in general. my life, the lives of my family, my friends, anyone that i care about and people i do not even know. i wonder about them and their situations. i have empathy for them or i have joy. sometimes i feel anger, or many other emotions. my point is, i do this alot. i find myself daydreaming almost taking into account the big picture. the fact we may lose our house, my kids are being brats, someone hurt someone else's feelings, someones seemingly in better shape than me...maybe more financially stable at the moment..all of that falls away. it falls away every day and easily. i don't care and it doesn't matter. and i wish everyone in the world could just not care and let it fall away and realize what is really going on in life. where are we really headed. what are our actions doing to other people. why shouldnt being kind matter. why can't people stop being so selfish and concentrate on other people more.

i sat with a computer on my lap, in a quickly darkening room
as if i had intentions to do something
but all i could do is sit
and think
and think some more and people ask what im doing
'"nothing."
what are you going to do they ask
"nothing." and nothing is good enough for me.
cause i really didn't have any plans.
i just wanted to sit, and stare and let my eyes relax so that they lose focus even though they pretend to look busy.
my head was

just weeks ago i remarked to friends and family that i would rather welcome the news of new life any day of the week than the news of someone i love dying... they will probably remember hearing this from me if they are reading...

and once again i have received both.
this isn't the first time in my life i have been beaming with a tiny heart beating inside of me while i watch someone i love die in front of me.
there is nothing like it. it is a very tearing experience.
there is life flourishing, thriving, stronger every day
there is hope
there is purpose
this is what grounds me

death takes this away.

today i was laying in bed late this morning.. greedily taking advantage of not having to be up early to take anyone to school. i laid there thinking back on my children as babies and how and when their names came to be chosen.
i mentally went through the experience again, one by one. i do this alot too.. relive experiences, over and over and over. i guess i need to.
first came my firstborn.. emma.
that brought to mind my grandmother..my father's mother.
i remember letting gavin choose emma's name. i had no part in it. i was different then and didn't even bother to look. he knew what he wanted to name her and i loved it as soon as i heard it. emma plum it would be... if she were a she.
but if she were not, he would have been named after my father, vincent.

i was recalling all of this and as i was i remember a day gavin and i drove out to see my grandmother while i was pregnant and hadn't found out what gender the baby was. we were walking out to the car and i remember her shouting out about a name.. we told her if it were a boy,what his name would be. she smiled.
i will never forget it, the way she smiled.
i knew it touched her and it was one of those smiles that speaks volumes, silently.

why today of all days these memories decided to flood back to me i don't know but then..
this afternoon i was given the news that my grandmother is dying.

i have no words to express the emotions surrounding this piece of information. i can't even remember a time in my life i have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time,or all at once.
even though my grandmother, and my whole fathers side of the family have been estranged in recent years.. her and i were once very close. during the very hardest time in my life, when i was going through a custody battle and separation she was there for me just as i needed her to be. we talked just about every night. it was a very special time in my life to finally have a bond with her the way that i did. i was very alone at that time and she kept me going, even laughing. she was very good at making me laugh. i was one step closer to my history, where i come from since i feel i lost so much losing my dad at such a young age.

alot has happened between then and where we are now. too much to write in one book of a blog post. but despite the estrangement of my family once again, i still had many fantasies of sitting back down to talk to my grandmother and hearing all her stories.
hearing stories of my father and my grandfather, learning where i come from and what i can tell my children.
i daydreamed of the day i got to see her again, and when i was able to bring her great grandchildren to meet her,
the 3 of them that she has never seen. i wanted her to know that i named my 2nd son after hers.
i wanted her to be happy and proud.

being 32.
having lost so many people in my life, i feel like i lose another piece of my past that i will never get back and sometimes i never even got to know.
so in growing older, i feel im growing more empty.
having 4 children, i wanted to know her secret.
i wanted her to know how much i looked up to her, and respected her
for not being a perfect mother
but for giving life to 5 people and raising, caring and loving them.

being 32 and having 4 children i know just how difficult this task is, even early on. this made me have an even stronger desire to learn
and talk to a very strong woman and mother that i admired, as another woman and mother now that i am grown.
she is the reason i wanted a large family
and the fact that family either leave or just decide to go away is the other reason. leaving mine very small.
i wanted lots of children, that had children and spouses and big gatherings at holidays
and lots of voices, small and of all ages
and lots of love
never falling short.

this news is forcing my head to say no. it's over.
the fantasies have to end.
another piece of your history is going away.
your chance is gone.

just like it happened with my father
just like it happened with my father's father
just like it happened with my mother's mother
my mother's father died before i was born.

and guess what? everyone's life will go on tomorrow and the next day, and next week too.
suddenly someone else will bombard me with petty shit i don't care about and i will be sitting here spending too much time thinking about what my life is really all about.

tomorrow i will be going to see my grandmother who is dying who i have not seen in many years.
i remember her, well.
and im afraid.
ive turned into a little girl fearing death.
i'm afraid to be confronted with it
to be that close to it.
i am hurled back in time to the age of 11
visiting my father in the hospital as he suffered and withered in front of my eyes.
will it hurt so much that i break apart
and come undone
i think that it will.
and why should i fear feeling
hurting
its a part of life
as is death
im old enough to know this. but im still afraid. i think and then inside me says no. you can't do it, you won't make it through.
but im old enough to know feeling so much that it aches in your body and crying to the extent your jaws ache, your eyes burn
isn't going to kill me.

this is one of those times in life you must do what you have to, and what is right. any other choice, would be selfish. i am not a selfish person, and i raise my kids the same way. we are surrounded by a world full of selfish people and we must be the good in the world. some of us are still out there. and thanks to me, a few more will be.

so,
there is alot going on in my life at the moment. but there always is and if there wasn't
it wouldn't be
my
life.
this month was the month i miscarried 6 years ago.
this month is the month jude was born 5 years ago
this is the month my mother's mother died 4 years ago.
this is the month i conceived elsha right after my grandmother passed, 4 years ago.
this is the month my first son starts kindergarten, in just 2 days.
this month, i am carrying new life. GOD, please, if you are listening, protect it for me.
this is the month my grandmother may die.

we are trying to find where we belong right now. if we can stay in our home or if we have to move and call somewhere else home for awhile.
we have found a new home for one of our family pets, yukon. because he no longer is happy here. this will not be easy for our kids.
but all that stuff is easy
compared to this.
this is the stuff that goes around my brain every day.
this is why i don't know anyone like me, and why i cant relate to those i do know.
and in the same breath i want to enjoy the life i have now. because it will not stay the same. it may worsen, it may surprise us all and get alot better. we don't know what's in store, but i am content for it to remain as it is...for as long as it should.
i don't want for much.
i want us to all be healthy
and we will be happy because we are loved.
no matter where we go, or what trial is given next we will come out on the other side.
a bit older
a bit more weary.
a bit kicked around
stronger.
wiser.
humbled.

i'm glad today is almost over..
and i can rest my head for awhile and pretend it didn't happen.

The happiest of birthdays to my now 5 year old.

2009-07-02T13:25:00.003-04:00

1. i just gave birth to you about 40 minutes ago, 5 years ago today. you were beautiful and still are, only more so.

2. you are the most sensitive soul hidden beneath a boy. :)

3. you make your family laugh more with each passing day you become more witty, observant, and clever.

4. you are highly imaginative.

5. you are the best big brother there could ever be around here. the way you care for you siblings is unmatched for a little person your age.

... and i could say much more only time is short. i love you little man and everything about you. you were a very good way to begin having a second child.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Religion in a cereal box

2009-06-22T13:51:00.006-04:00

is it just me or has anyone else noticed the 'Jesus fish' in their kid's lucky charms???? i'm actually amused by them bearing such a striking resemblance to the well known 'Jesus fish' stuck on the back of so many vehicles, it's all i could think about! i can only assume they are innocent little uh fishies, but what an odd choice if ya ask me. there are only like 3 cereal shapes in the whole box after i got to looking.. yes i investigated after finding the fish on my floor from breakfast.. guess Rye threw those ones back. =x

perhaps they've always been in that nasty cereal and i've never bothered to look.

perhaps i am just growing more observant in my old age. ;)

but hey, that's my post for today.

The end of 5th grade =(

2009-06-05T21:10:00.011-04:00

so emma had her awards ceremony today. i don't normally come to these.. 3 little kids trying to sit still while someone announces names, kids walking up to get things and get pics snapped. well, it sounds kinda boring to even me lol. you get it. but she brought a note home and it said she would be receiving more than one.. and since i had 2 days notice (ha!) i thought i would drag us all there to support emma. here are some pics i snapped between telling kids to shut up, stuff their faces with snacks, and fetch thrown sippys. enjoy!

and......

i am very proud of my firstborn who will soon be in the 6th grade (just next month). it is heart wrenching to think it has all passed by me so entirely quickly.

"A" honor roll for this semester!

A/B honor roll for the whole year!

Outstanding in Science!!

Award of merit for being a Safety Patrol!

Extra's....

My boys

My girls..

a candid moment. Emma asked special permission from her teacher to not sit with her class, but sit with her family, that she loves dearly. =)

it's June

2009-06-01T11:29:00.005-04:00

1. i hate my neighbors.

2. mean people in this world should be abolished.

3. i've yet to see my life as a fair existence, yet i continue to see greed all around me.
i wish there was someone i could hold accountable for this moral injustice.
the word around town is he's been out of the office.

4. we still have NO news on our loan modification, even though it's been almost 3 months now. neither of us want to live in our house anymore and are prepared with having to leave if they don't offer/accept what we need them to...
so, that is a blessing.

5. i am able to recognize and appreciate the smallest of blessings.

5. i am a very patient person.

6. my baby boy (the biggest one) graduated from Pre-k last Thursday. we all had a great time and i am very proud of him!

7. i continue on daily with my goal of simplifying the life of my family.
not having nor asking for more than we need.
interestingly enough, i am happier having LESS, than when i have abundance.

8. i am most grateful for sucky situations bringing out some very good things in me, and in turn our lives.

=)

Spring Things

2009-05-10T19:41:00.006-04:00

I got this idea that I wanted a squirrel feeder in coming across one online the other day. After all, don't enough people feed the birds? And hope NOT to feed those furry little rodents hehe. Well, I want to feed those furry little rodents we have so many of! Problem? when I got home and looked at the tree I envisioned putting it on, ick! Letting outside projects go as of late would be the understatment. Well, that had to get taken care of before I put a cute feeder on it. So we got to chopping. The kids pitched in to umm admire the branches before helping me take them all down to the street. We were a good team! And the end result was a nice sense of accomplishment. =)

Now come eat little furry things! We're waiting! hehe.

Before:

After:

Lil Helpers:

Ta da!

Time, time, time

2009-05-02T21:02:00.005-04:00

My button turned 3 on April 24th. We had a very nice amd simple celebration for her. Just the way it should be I've learned. I then turned 32, 5 days later. Holy God, when did that happen. I choose not to celebrate but force myself to now do something fun to make the day less dreadful and daunting. My man who loves me more than I understand why.. arranged to take me to a Dave Matthews concert in Georgia ON my birthday. That is the best birthday I think I've ever had. I love Dave, I've never seen him live and on my birthday? What more could I want. I was more exicted just to get away with Chris as a couple, something we haven't been able to do in a long, long time. Too long. We just let go, relaxed, enjoyed ourselves and slept in! We had a couple nights there in Georgia and made a great memory. That is the very best part. I hope we can make this somewhat of a regular thing. At least the getting away for a little while part, and regaining some sense of who we are as individuals and as a couple. Something we have both been lacking, that we need to make an effort to change!

Life is good man, if ya keep it simple. Keep things in priority. Keep your expectations low or at least realistic. Live for the moment. Enjoy the moment given to you as what it is, that moment in time ready to pass you by and never given back. Let the little things matter and don't ever envy, it is wasteful and it is destructive to your soul.

I hope all I love are well and peaceful. =)

they all won't stop getting older

2009-04-21T20:49:00.003-04:00

haven't figured out what to do about this problem, but haven't given up either.

we took our button out for her special birthday dinner on friday night. she had a good time being the star of the show, and why shouldn't she.

she managed to get her mom and dad to buy 4 wubzy stuffies, because she could not part with 3. she's got us wrapped i tell you.. or maybe just daddy. =) but who cares, it was her special night and i was not about to make my baby cry!

we will be celebrating her birthday this sunday, eventhough her actual birthday falls on friday. we always do the weekened celebration when daddy is off of work, of course. it should be a fun, simple, and special birthday for our baby girl.

You've lived for 3 whole years!

2009-04-12T20:47:00.003-04:00

Miss Rachel. I love you and wish you the very best of a fourth year ahead. I hope I can meet you sometime soon! I hope everyone poured all over you and made it the very special day that it is. Easter can't hold a candle to you. ;) Happy Birthday beauty.

-xxxooo

if you were to

2009-04-12T20:42:00.002-04:00

accidentally knock over your beverage (in my case a beer), all over your keyboard and subsequently.. your carpet. which would you run to soak up first?

answer:
carpet. (at least in my case)

not sure what that says about me. but i think it's good. =) or maybe nuts? which would also fall in line with me, but nevertheless good.. at least in my book.

suppose i should work on that clumsy thing.

My Girls.

2009-04-10T22:49:00.003-04:00

How I love them so.

My most favorite picture (taken today via cell phone) of them to date.

Where does the time go.

How do I keep them small

and innocent.

How have a I missed so much?

To everyone else this may be just another picture.

To me it yells and screams volumes in my face.

Life has gotten in the way.

Life has happened while I was busy with life.

It makes my angry!

I want to divorce my OCD, my anxiety, my depression, my OCD about myself and my OCD!

It's hard being me.. but I bet it's harder being them seeing me.

I just want a break... from it all.

and I don't want a picture taken in a hectic time yet so beautifully, to make me see what I've got that I can't see every other day.

This is my prayer.

Amen

First Supper =)

2009-04-01T20:43:00.003-04:00

we had sooo much fun sitting together, laughing together.. at each other lol. i think we're all giddy that we can look around at all our faces and see and hear things we never do, or have time to see and hear! rye bear squealed and kicked his legs being so happy to look at us while eating. he thought it was the best thing ever. we talked. this is long overdue for any family, let alone a family with 4 kids who have never sat down at a table together!

it's times like this, i love and appreciate our little house, complete with the children that run amok in it. the lack of space is evident but there is never a lack of love, of laughter, and life running through it. happy momma. =)

playing under the table and dreaming =)

2009-04-01T14:32:00.003-04:00

so, we finally got a table i'd been wanting for some time, Craigslist came thru ;) put it up last night, and the kiddies were so excited to see it this morning, eat their breakfast and their lunch.. to look through magazines at, or go exploring underneath. ;) i sat with them all at lunch and it was alot of fun. we laughed alot and el ate so much better than she ever does. i'm looking very forward to dinner as a family for the first time. =)

Moving up in my little blue world

2009-03-25T21:06:00.004-04:00

okay so not really UP, more like out? i guess. been a long time coming but we took on a GIANT task of switching rooms around in here, and children too. well i still have the same kids, but they reside in different places. ;) chris and i now officially have a NO KID ZONE room to ourselves. a grown up room. ' the adult room' as we refer to it. i like to keep the door shut and the cats out even. it's my new sanctuary and i protect it as such. after all, it's been years since i've known this feeling and even then, it was very short lived as one or another little fetus eventually changed the adult room back into a baby inhabited domain. where there are babies, at least my babies, there is no sleep for momma. i have lived 15 months (longer if you count the pregnancy, oh and elsha before that who slept worse, and well i could keep tracking backward) of not one single, complete, good nights rest. and if you ask me, i think i've done pretty darn well considering.

so ..in short. we took over the girl's room. the girl's took over our room. rye moved in with his big brother to make one testosterone filled boy's room.. that has already begun to sound like it is occupied by primates. ;)

this big switch entailed much painting by yours truly. a building project by chris which entailed building on a second closet beside the one i would take. mucho work by the both of us (just like moving!) and we are *almost* done. a little tweaking here and there.. more organizing ideas.. more decorating.. more time .. and more money and we will be THERE.

i have to say i am enjoying this home improvement thing. if we had all the money in the world it would be SO MUCH FUN, although with great exhaustion. so very rewarding to change something that does not work and bugs you to no end, into something you love, makes you feel good to see and be around and say hey, i did that.. i made that better and it now it makes ME feel better! what a difference i feel by changing things around here that i hate, and make me loathe this home on a daily basis. space? we cannot change, unless we fall into money and can afford a small addition or two. but i've come to the realization what i can afford to change.. even little by little, is what i want to focus on, and what makes me happy. having said that i have great plans and ideas for this place, should we be here long enough for them to make any sense to complete.

next up! the boy's room will be repainted in a new boy color. after that, i will choose a new color to repaint all the other rooms of the house that i repainted just 3 short years ago while VERY pregnant with El. it's time for a change, not to mention they are beat to heck and in great need of some tlc. my next goal is to get a dining room table so that we all can eat together, sit together, and talk together. where jude can do his homework and we can help him with it.. which will be SOON seeing as he will start Kindergarten this year!!!! only problem is my dream table is not in my current budget, and Craigslist isn't coming through for me. i will press on in my search!

i wish i had taken pics of the rooms before the changes.. but since i didn't i will get around to posting after pics after they're completed to my satisfaction.. wait, that might not be a good idea, then the pics may never come. ;)

also, my beautiful, god love 'em children, lost the memory card to my camera so i am unable to use it. i only have my phone! and those pics are well, crappy. i'll do my best to get pics as well as a new memory card soon. camera withdrawwwwwwwwwwwwwl!!

2009-03-16T23:53:00.003-04:00

When Im lyin in my bed at night
I dont wanna grow up
Nothin ever seems to turn out right
I dont wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
Thats always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I dont wanna grow up
I dont ever wanna be that way
I dont wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That theyd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today...
Im gonna put a hole in my tv set
I dont wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I dont wanna grow up
I dont wanna have to shout it out
I dont want my hair to fall out
I dont wanna be filled with doubt
I dont wanna be a good boy scout
I dont wanna have to learn to count
I dont wanna have the biggest amount
I dont wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I dont wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I dont wanna grow up
Id rather stay here in my room
Nothin out there but sad and gloom
I dont wanna live in a big old tomb
On grand street

When I see the 5 oclock news
I dont wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I dont wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I dont wanna put no money down
I dont wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I dont wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I dont wanna grow up

~tom waits/k. brennan

Update

2009-03-14T23:16:00.005-04:00

still waiting on our luck to turn around.

1. my kids are insane, and they and their schedules are wearing me to the bone. they are all, every one of them, beautiful.
2. someone loves me more than i'll ever love me, and despite the fact i'll never understand how someone can love me so much.
3. we aren't hungry.
4. i can type this.

i like even numbers..
end of update. ;)

2009-02-10T12:25:00.004-05:00

we are in the process of speaking to someone who could *possibly* negotiate with our mrtg company about another loan modification to get our payment to an affordable amount. a friend gave me his # and i am trying to be hopeful of the possibility. it seems too good to be true for us, this being the main source of ALL of our financial problems. being that there are currently SO many things out there for people just like us in trouble with their homes, many more things than were available back when we started having trouble. if this doesn't pan out, we will just have to keep trying other avenues.

my mother in law also came and sat down with us and set out a new budget plan for chris and i, to get caught on most of what has fallen behind because of this house, and a better way to plan and spend. i am hopeful with this too. for awhile, there will be no (or very little!) frivolous spending. we will be cutting back anything we can without losing too much fun in our lives ;) until we can get back to a point where we can bring those things back in. it will happen, one day. why do i know this? because it just has to. we've been down too long. we have been trying hard and one day it will pay off.. and we will be better for having gone through it! you never know what you have until you lose it! sacrifice is essential to being human, and over the years i have grown to live through sacrificing, mostly for my kids. =) i wouldn't have it any other way.

keep us in your thoughts and in your prayers if you do that kind of thing. we could use all the good ones we can gather. we would be in a much much MUCH better place, if they can make this happen for us. we were fine before we bought the house, and long for the rent we used to have, although high would be a dream now!! we have regrets sometimes, but you do what you think is best at the time, and often times.. there is no other better option, as was the case almost 3 years ago now!

i am thankful we still have a home, despite the fact that it will never be ideal. it keeps a roof over all of our heads! and for that, we are fortunate.

=)

looong time

2009-02-07T15:25:00.004-05:00

no update.

guess cause in good ways, i've been busy and content.. and pretty happy, and busy. oh i said that, i'll say it again, i've been busy. i was starting to believe good things come around eventually for all of us, but i've had it all torn down again, like it always is. life is a SICK JOKE. and i might not hate it right now, but i don't like it, at all. i'm getting real tired of hearing people complain about the stupidest and most trivial of things, that if they were in my shoes, would have either jumped off a bridge or been admitted into a mental hospital. i've done neither of these things, tho i won't lie and say they've not crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

the st johns wort i've been on for a couple of months now, has helped tremondously and without it i fear what my life would be. i don't have any plans of stopping it any time soon, if anything, increasing my doseage. i don't have insurance as we all know, so real meds are out. i'm just SO TIRED. emotionally, i'm gone.. tapped out. mentally? that happened first. physically i'm getting by with lots and lots and lots of caffiene. i have no real energy, whatsoever. i think any energy i used to have has been spread so thin in the two above mentioned areas, that i'm spent. done deal.

i want us to be able to stop worrying for 5 minutes and be happy as a family where we are, but something is preventing it at every turn. nothing ever works out. we STILL cannot catch a stupid break, anywhere, in any part of our lives. WHY?!!!!!!!!?????????????????? why does everyone else's life i know suck so much less? i dont know what i've done. i've been more than generous. i put out as much good energy and thoughts as comes naturally (which is more than you'd think someone as jaded as me would be able to muster). but.. it doesn't come back. what comes back is more bad news, more crap. more money issues, more house issues, burying us deeper in this hole that's been swallowing us for almost 2 years now.

i'm waiting for other people to take this burden off of me and feel the evil life can pour down on you. i'm tired of taking it all and i don't want any part of it any more. someone hasn't gotten the message. maybe i've made it clear this time.

back to cleaning through a stress induced migraine. at least i'll never run out of cleaning to bring me some sick level of happiness.

**OH, and my youngest boy is officially walking... he still crawls too thank goodness hehe. it's the most adorable thing ever. course it makes me sad he's growing up right along with the others but it's still exciting. and i'll take anything positive at this point!**

if i think of anything else good to post i guess i will, or won't as the case may be.

11 Years ago...

2009-01-12T09:51:00.015-05:00

yesterday, Emma Plum was born at 3:28 in the afternoon. Hard to believe so much time has passed, eventhough in ways it has gone slow, in others ways entirely too fast. Kids always grow up too fast and she is no exception. Emma has acted well beyond her years since she was just a baby... in some ways that is good, and in others, not so good lol. She is a wonderful kid, she couldn't be a better big sister to her 3 younger siblings, and is also an excellent student! We are very proud to say she made it to the A/B honor roll, just having received 4 A's and 1 B on her latest report card. She also excels in reading, having a target end of year range from 779 - 1039 on her SRI's, Emma scored a 1226. We are all very proud of her, yet I take no credit for her brains, I never did that well in school lol. Then again I loathed school, and Emma, much like her aunt Gina LOVES school!

We took her out for her birthday dinner, like we do all the kids and then for ice cream and our 'family picture' hehe. Enjoy a few pics I thought I'd post for a little look back. =)

And...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you can stop growing now, I can deal with 11 forever if I have to.) I love you Princess P.

Your Dad and I shortly before you were a twinkle. =)

In labor =)

On our way to dinner!

Mom and daughter =)

All done with her cheese ravioli birthday dinner!

A really bad picture of the full moon. Oddly enough, Emma was born 11 years ago, the day before the full moon.

Bring on the oreo overload! She wanted chocolate devotion but they were sadly, out of brownies. Chris said it was just wrong, they wouldn't make Emma a batch of brownies on her birthday. ;)

Extra insulin needed for this! (she didn't eat the WHOLE thing haha)

And a good time was had by ALL!!!

Saying goodnight to the full mooon

A month and a week?

2009-01-02T17:02:00.003-05:00

something like that anyway, since I started the St. Johns wort. today, im down. i've had my ups and downs like always but many more ups than i'd seen for awhile. some days i just don't want to hold it altogether anymore, or at least not try so hard, like today. today started off really pretty good, i was going in circles trying to get things done and was making progress to a point (progress is one thing on my happy list) but i quickly became a bit saturated with negative feelings, enough so that i couldn't push them away any longer and they ate at me til i wanted to cry. but i didn't. my eyes started to well and i told myself that i was stupid for all those stupid thoughts making me feel this way. i then began to clean in a frenzy and quickly wore myself out, thereby making everything feel better, my mental state included. not bad! it's usually much worse than that and affects me much more deeply. but i think im OK now.

maybe these new ditches will be a little more shallow when i fall into them. one can hope.

Oh sweet doubt.

2008-12-30T13:12:00.004-05:00

Doubt recently is a huge thing with me. It seems to have a negative ring for most people, but I've caught myself saying it a lot, because my life is filled up to the brim with doubt in the present. I opened up my book again just to pick another chapter that looked interesting and that I could use for good, all about doubt. Once again, this is extremely interesting to me. The more I read of Zen teachings, the more I feel I belong here. It is the only thing to date I've ever read or learned or heard about that resonates with the way I believe and think and makes (so far) 100% sense to me, it just 'fits'. It gives me a warmth and peace to read about it, and makes me feel like I am already home, everything is already fine, no matter what. There is no getting saved, there is no repenting, none of the nonsense that will never make sense to me. Everything I need, I already have. It is an all encompassing feeling of acceptance and simplicity. What more could I want? Anyone that knows me, know I am never satisfied with someone's word, I question everything and I research and research myself and sometimes still, never satisfied with a 'truth' in whatever situation. .... Sharing a bit more through my depression experience- a good thing right? right.
=)

"Many people come to religion, including Zen and Buddhism, looking for that certainty. They hope that through religion they can have their doubts relieved. Some religions and teachers do offer assurances. They promise a certain and safe place in an uncertain and sometimes dangerous world.
But in depression all the reassuring and comfortable touchstones we had (or thought we had) are gone. We feel adrift, with nothing to believe in. The doubt within us sits heavily in the pits of our stomachs. We can't seem to get rid of it no matter how hard we try. When our doubt grows big enough, we want to expel it, to get rid of it forever. We want certainty in its place. Failing that, we at least want to find something we can believe in.
Unpleasant as this place may feel at first, it is actually a very good place to be."

"Typically, we may look to religion or philosophy for some belief or explanation that can be a safe harbor in the storm. But in our life the storm rages on. There are no such safe harbors. There never have been."

"...Instead, we are told to examine everything. We are encouraged to doubt. We are urged not to believe anything until it has been proven to us through our own direct experience." "Often, doubt is what brings us to Zen teachings and mediation in the first place- doubt over who we are, why life is so painful, and why we should live knowing we will die. We must then take this doubt, meditate with it, and digest it, until it fills our whole being."

"We must become willing to reside in the midst of this enormous doubt and let it be all right. In fact, we must accept that it may never be resolved and that this will still be all right.
This means we continually question; we never simply accept the answers given us. It means that we do not hold on to the answers even when we have discovered them for ourselves.
If we can live with this doubt, we can then be continually ready to be surprised- by life, by ourselves, by our answers, by our experience."

" To live in doubt is to live in mystery, to let it be large and vital in our lives. Human life is bigger than anything we can ever believe or understand about it.
This is why the doubt we are given in depression, is a gift and a great teaching."

Happy Xmas Eve!!

2008-12-24T23:39:00.004-05:00

We had a lovely time with my one and only local friend here and her family. Us adults got to (kind of) relax and eat and drink and all that good stuff us adults like to do.. while our children got to run around like little crack addicts wearing themselves out before the joys of Christmas morning overtakes them. A good time was had by all. Then Chris and I got to come home, rush kids into jammies and then into beds so we could play Santa for another year. This has become tradition.. the last minute dragging out gifts stashed in various places, that may take a few to remember all where, sitting around chatting and wrapping and talking about what is to come. Fortunately, our kiddos passed out like lights and were not heard nor seen! Santa has come and I am giddy with excitement for them tomorrow when they wake up. I have been told that on Christmas morning, opening presents in your pj's before brushing of teeth or eating of breakfast, or cleaning of house is what is done. Well, I didn't grow up with Christmas so I have no idea about this all. All I do know is that I live according to schedules and without those schedules forms chaos which I don't live well with so......... if it were up to me I would get the kids bathed and ready for the day before the whole present thing happened.. I'd also have the house cleaned so I could relax and be okay with sitting around taking pictures and smiling, laughing and helping to rip paper. Chris has said there will be NO baths first, NO cleaning, no nothing, Christmas first because that is what it is to be a kid on Christmas. Gosh, this is hard for me!!! But I guess I will get up super early to at least vacuum the house so at least I know the floor they are sitting on is clean lol. Okay, so maybe I have a sickness, wait.. I knew that.

May all of you have a very happy, merry, peaceful and fulfilling Christmas. I hope your day is spent with those you love, at least some of them. I would say I hope you get what you wanted but as we all know (us adults that is), this is not what Christmas is about. My joy lies in that of my childrens joy to be surprised and excited by things left under the tree for them that they've not asked for. This is my most favorite holiday not because of gifts, lord know that is stressful enough for us all. Not for receiveing gifts because I am not one to ask for things or care what I receive, but because I get to GIVE which I love more than anything, and I get to spend an entire day with my immediate family which happens only once a week normally, and my extended family who we are blessed to have.

I'm tired! and I must get to bed before small people will have me up much earlier than is healthy. ;)

Party and some stuff

2008-12-22T13:15:00.011-05:00

okay so we had rye rye's bash yesterday and that was fun. i put so much mental (and some physical too) energy into that it seemed like i blinked, the kids were in bed and the day was done. as i look around at all the balloons and decorations covering the walls, i am saddened this is all life is, one moment in time and then it is gone- forever. that leads me back into dark places in my brain again that life is all one big waste of time. i mean, it is. i dont care what any of you 'believe' what you're doing here or where you're going afterwards. i believe we're all ending up in the same place after trying so hard to stay caught up while we're here...

i think it's important to let go of it all. one day it's here and the next it will be gone, so enjoy it while it's here because all we will have are memories. =( memories fade, and that is the real sad part.

last night i got sad, so sad i teared up some at the thought of my kids growing older. turning into different kids right before my eyes, only i'm too busy to notice until a photograph reminds me. and it is SO fast folks i mean. most of us spend our days doing unimportant things, things we HAVE to do to once again, get through this life to something we think waits for us on the other side. for me it's death, so what am i killing myself for now? lol. stop and enjoy every moment. this is my new focus. stop craving material things. simplify your lives. don't expend ANY energy on other people besides the ones that truly matter and are worth something so precious. worry when you have a reason to. don't envy. dont hate. hoping can be a good thing but not if when your hope turns into something unexpected, it lets you down. in that case, don't hope. just live with no expectations of what is to come. life happens as it should i believe and every day is just us turning another page over in each of our written books. i'm waiting to get to the REALLY good part. but for now, i am waking up to see what this day holds for me.

having said all of this, i am still sad to see the time go. it makes me feel old. it makes me think ahead (which isn't something good) of when my kids will be grown, i will be older and looking back fondly on these times that now, seem like one hell of stress. i dont want to be old. i dont want my kids to grow up. i am holding fast to my life as it is, although not perfect, hell even not ideal. im afraid to move past it. im afraid to be OLD. im afraid for my kids to leave me. i am afraid to lose my worth and be faced with my own demons that for now, i can easily stave off. i look for things to busy me, to distract me, and with the 4 kiddos you don't have to look far.

am i ready to do this all over again? no. but i still crave the brand new smell of a baby. the way you can snuggle and cuddle them as much as you want to without much protest. the way they fall asleep after a full belly. the way they cry as hard as their lungs allow, and even that isn't 'loud'. i miss being all they need. i miss being 'needed'. i miss all these moments that get clouded and then drowned out by all the sleepless, hormonal nightmarish nights that i don't miss. ;)

...

..

.

that's all for now. what you see is what you get. i'm not afraid to be honest. the food was good, the cake was too. i got alot of good pics of my little smurf and enjoyed being with family. one more piece of me has disappeared with another year.

He turned quite blue heehee, bath water did too!

YUMMY spinach lasagna that everyone loved, including baby Rye bear and his carnivorous father. ;)

I have a ONE YEAR OLD today.

2008-12-18T22:59:00.008-05:00

And I'm not too excited about it. I could quite easily break down and cry that my life and those of my children are just running off alongside me and I can't catch up no matter how fast I run. =( We had a good day today, and good thing because he deserves it. =)

We took him to dinner, and for ice cream with just Mommy and Daddy because that is what we do in our family when birthdays roll around now. =) Sunday we'll throw his little celebration with just my Mom and Sis and our gang.. have cake, presents and lots of camera flashes. I want to make him a special dish he would like but I haven't figured out what.. he could live on cheese, he is a mouse. Bears don't eat cheese, maybe I should change his name.

Happy Birthday to the softest, sweetest teddy bear I will ever hold. You are golden. And I thank God he blessed us with you. We love you Rye.

Happy Birthday To you Chrissy Poo. =D

2008-12-17T15:24:00.005-05:00

<3 How do I love thee let me count the ways <3

I figure now that you are quite old, you may need a reason for each year you've been here. ;) Oh, and also, I pretty much suck at telling you most days.. my emotions trapped behind a steel door sometimes. =(

1. You love me without conditions.
2. You think I'm beautiful when I think nothing of myself.
3. You are a very involved father (something HUGE to me).
4. You have grown into a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and selfless parent.
5. You work hard even for little at times.
6. You don't get 'mad' at much of anything at all- ever.
7. You let me make decisions that are important for me to make.
8. You are not controlling, you push me into doing things just for ME because you know I have a hard time doing so.
9. You don't let things get to you, you know how to let go.
10. You will embarass the whole clan of us in public if it will make one of the kids laugh.
11. You don't care what people think. This used to bother me but now I realize it's better than caring too much.
12. You fold laundry.
13. You will do about everything I ask you to, even if it means buying me tampons or Monistat lol.
14. You change diapers (sexy!).
15. You are an awesome cook.
16. You've learned what my standard of 'clean' is and you strive for it when you make a mess. ;)
17. You make me laugh.
18. You are never very serious (annoying mostly but sometimes I need it because I am serious enough for us all).
19. You have rough, scarred hands because you work hard for what we have, and I love them. =)
20. You share the complete chaos known as 'bedtime'.
21. You give really good hugs.
22. You've been an excellent labor 'coach' for our 3 babies.
23. You aren't afraid to cry.
24. You fix just about anything (and it works!).
25. You put our children first.
26. You put the optimism in our life.
27. You are fun to be around.
28. You consider and treat me as though I am your wife, even without a piece of paper.

Happy 28 Chrissy =D I am still waiting impatiently for the big 30 hehe.
I love you. I am happy we have grown more together in the last year and a half than we have in the previous 4. The trials of life have been testing us, and we have passed the test. You drive me nuts at times, but I'm still here. ;) I see more fun and unexpected years ahead, and I look forward to them, with you.

Happy Birthday!!

2008-12-17T15:20:00.002-05:00

To Uncle "Mikey Beans"!!!!!!!! =D We love you and wish we saw you more often. Hope your day is FUN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2008-12-15T09:21:00.003-05:00

(yesterday) To my one and only sister. I love and miss you and I can't wait to see you this weekend!!
*cupcake smiles* =D

Shot on the Spot

2008-12-14T13:20:00.004-05:00

K, I'm posting this for you Jeni hahaha. I do not know 10 people to tag or I would. ;)

*this is my happy face*

The rules were..

1) Take a picture of yourself right NOW!

2) DON'T change your clothes, DON'T fix your hair... Just take a picture.

3) Post that picture with NO editing.

4) Post these instructions with your picture.

5)Tag 10 people to do this..On your mark, get set and GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new ideas

2008-12-07T20:39:00.005-05:00

so, i've been concentrating some of my mental (and physical) energy in trying to deck the house out in christmas stuff. i've aquired some cute things from http://freecycle.org/. thanks freecycle! and have saved some money in decorations! well, more like saved me from being super bummed we can't make our house look like it's christmas because i have no money to do so! normally, we have a tree and do lights, a wreath and that's about it. well, it's become my new obsession to collect everything i possibly can to go all out for christmas each year. this is my most favorite time of year weatherwise, so naturally christmas became my most favorite holiday also. i could care less about the rest really, so besides a couple little things for halloween and whatnot.. the kids and i will be looking forward to christmas even more! this year i got the girl's a tree and well i'd say the boy's but rye isn't sharing the room that is now jude's yet, but will soon be both of theirs... so jude's got his own tree too! if i can manage to save any money this month (christmas and 2 birthdays just in our own family circle alone this month), i will try to buy some clearance items for the coming year. i'm not holding my breath though. ;)

amidst all of this 'newness' going on, it has been very refreshing and maybe a bit distracting.. or just refreshing? for my mind. yesterday in talking to chris about a project i wanted to do with our pumpkins from halloween (once that is completed and if it looks like it should, i'll post pics), i got this bug up my butt to paint our front door RED. i don't know why exactly, but i couldn't shake the desire to do this. chris of course immediately shot the idea down.. but i kept pressing.. well, cause that's what i do. i brought it back up today and he is no warmer to the idea but just because he feels like he is going to get stuck with a repaint job, should i (or when i ) become bored. men always think like that don't they? "hmm, how could this turn into more work for ME?". well i had mentioned the idea to a friend of mine, who also said she loves red doors and then she sent me this info.. at which i of course, did some more reading because it intrigued me so..

The front door is actually the most important part of the house. It is the point where energy enters into the home. It is the symbolic point for opportunities to come into your life. So by having a red front door you are bringing high energy into that area. However, that does not mean that you have to go and paint the front door red. You can simply put some red by the door, which would achieve the same object. Some red flowers by the door, for example, or some red in a wreath on the door, or a welcome mat would work. This would bring the same energy as a red door."

In China, it's tradition to paint the front door red before the new year, to invite good luck and happiness.

In Catholocism, the red door on a chapel symbolized the blood of christ, and other martyrs, to signify that the ground beyond the door (inside the church) was holy, and a sanctuary from physical and spiritual evils.

In Ireland, front doors are painted red to ward-off ghosts and evil spirits.

Soooo.. I thought it very interesting to read that after my unknown obsession with doing it. and since chris wouldn't buy me any red paint today, i went and painted it white (it's already white), just to make it look decent enough to put a wreath on.. but needless to say, my next project will be a red door on my house. i plan to pick and buy my shade this week! i will post that pic when it's done too. =)

2008-12-07T00:20:00.003-05:00

Stand still. The trees and bushes beside you are not lost.
Wherever you are is called Here. And you must treat it as a
powerful stranger, must ask permission to know it and be
known. The forest breathes. Listen.

~Native American Elder

always changing

2008-12-03T12:20:00.005-05:00

as much as it seems our life is unchanging, my feelings about it are. today, i feel a sense of approaching a place of acceptation. there can be good and about about that place i think. good in the fact that you have learned what your place is here on earth, at this time, and it may not be where you think you should be, or that it's even fair, but it doesn't change what is. bad in that, sometimes learning to accept, means learning to stop trying to change something. also, it's good to remember that there is absolutely nothing in this life that is permanent, nothing at all. life is just a cycle. this (just now) made me think of a book i began reading years ago.. while in another depression and so i (just now) went and grabbed it off the bookshelf beside me to read some. I never finished reading it back then, but it is hitting me in the face where i am in my life right now. i think it's time i finish it. =)

"all things are impermanent.. everything put together falls apart."
"like washing a clod of dirt in muddy water." "still our practice is to go on, right in the midst of hopelessness."

"We want to have the things that give us pleasure remain as they are. Indeed, we want our very selves to remain constant. But this truth of impermanence tells us not only that nothing lasts forever, but that nothing remains the same. The world around us, and we ourselves, are changing from moment to moment. Death is nothing but a more drastic change in a world where everything is changing anyway."

"We would like to feel that we stand on solid ground, that there is constancy, certainty and permanence that can support us. But if we choose to try to depend on such constancy, we are left standing on air."

"Standing atop a hundred-foot pole, take one step forward." Impermanence is that hundred-foot pole. Or, rather our attachment and desire for permanence is the hundred-foot pole we remain tethered to, afraid to move. It is what keeps our lives small and confined, no larger than the top of the pole.

"We can step forward into that world of impermanence. Who knows? Rather than falling, we may find a new freedom. We may fall into the beauty of impermanence.
Every gardener knows that it is the very impermanence of the blossoms that makes them precious. The beauty of the garden lies in it's constantly changing nature, in the waves of colors and shapes that are constantly moving through it.
The beauty of the world lies in the same constant movement. We can step into this beauty, into the midst of all that is dying and being born around us."

Zzz

2008-12-02T15:06:00.002-05:00

So the past couple of days I've been sleeping REALLY deeply. I am the lightest sleeper I know besides 2 of my kids so this is quite unusual for me. I still hear Rye, so he is good at waking me up at least once a night to nurse. I am supposed to get up at 6:45 every morning well, today I never heard my alarm, any alarm at all and Chris's went off twice! So it was he who woke me up at 7, ahhhhh! I need those 15 mins to beat the other 2 to the one bathroom we have. But oh well, hopefully that was just a fluke and I won't not hear the alarm every morning. Besides the fact of needing to get up in the morning, the better sleeping thing is MUCH needed by me. A side effect of the St. Johns? Maybe... At any rate, I'm long overdue, so I'll take it!

Does St. John's wort extract negatively affect sleep like other antidepressant agents?

No. While antidepressant drugs, particularly tricyclic antidepressants and MAO inhibitors, interfere with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and reduce sleep quality, St. John's wort has been shown to not interfere with REM sleep and to actually improve sleep quality and well-being.19 The ability to improve sleep quality may turn out to be a key mechanism of action for St. John's wort extract. It does not act as a sedative (i.e., it does not reduce sleep onset) nor does it change total sleep duration. It simply improves sleep quality. St. John's wort accomplishes this when given in divided dosages throughout the day (e.g., 300 mg three times daily).

Day 3

2008-12-01T10:43:00.004-05:00

on my quest for happiness.

HA HA. totally kidding.

but, it is day 3 since i've started taking st. johns wort. i have high hopes this will work well for me, it's no sissy herb! i took it years ago during a very stressful and traumatic time in my life.. custody battles etc.. as much stress as i've got now, that tops it.. and it took the edge off what i was going through. it is said to work for mild to moderately severe depression, which i know i fall between. it's said to rival that of some of your commonly prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, that's what we need! here is some more info on it in case you're interested.. i'll post as time goes on and my experience with it's effectiveneess in my particular situation. I should start to notice some effects in 2 weeks time, but of course not feel the full effects for 6-8 wks.

St. John's wort ( Hypericum perforatum ), once thought to rid the body of evil spirits, has a history of medicinal use dating back to ancient Greece, where it was used to treat a range of illnesses, including various 'nervous conditions.' St. John's wort also has antibacterial and antiviral properties and, because of its anti-inflammatory properties, has been used to help heal wounds and burns.

In recent years, there has been renewed interest in St. John's wort as a treatment for depression and there has been a great deal of scientific research on this topic. St. John's wort is one of the most commonly purchased herbal products in the United States. Because St. John's wort interacts with a wide variety of medications, it is important to take it only under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about herbal medicines.

Depression

In numerous studies, St. John's wort has been effective in reducing depressive symptoms in those with mild to moderate but not severe (called major) depression. When compared with tricyclic anti-depressants (medication frequently prescribed for this condition) such as imipramine, amitriptyline, doxepin, desipramine, and nortriptyline, St. John's wort is equally effective, and has fewer side effects. This also appears to be true for another well known class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) including fluoxetine and sertraline

More can be found here:
http://www.doctormurray.com/articles/worteditorial.htm

in a nutshell

2008-11-29T10:33:00.005-05:00

ive come to the realization i need medical help for my depression. problem? i have no insurance, no money to buy insurance and of course no money to see a dr without insurance. see that cycle? that is how everything in my life runs, in that damn circle.

apparently the governor here has passed a new low cost health ins plan that should take effect the beginning of next year. how or when i will be able to apply for it is a mystery, but im waiting.

i can no longer carry this burden around with me anymore and function as a mother.. let alone just a normal functioning adult. all i do in life anymore is go through the motions, i don't enjoy it, i dont enjoy much of anything, yet i can fight back the tears at all the things that could be better, and refuse to get that way. sure, i have good days. they last usually an entire day and then i have a couple really bad ones to follow it. those good days, i have energy, i feel a sense of optimism yet have no tangible reason for it, it's just that i wake up that way. the rest of the week is more of the bad stuff. i wake up, i hit repeat and i begin the daily struggle that is my life. i dont want to live this way anymore, because im missing out on daily miracles which are my kids. ive tried and tried and i cannot get out of this rut for any length of time to get any clarity or any mental strength to get even a few steps higher than where i am.

its not easy being a mom, but it shouldnt be this hard. its this hard because i have no patience, my nerves are shot, my head is thinking on how we are going to get to next week so i cant even enjoy the moment for what it is- even thought that is all any of us really have. i can no longer be happy for anyone else that has good things in their life. i spend my time feeling envious of them, because everything about my life has to just suck so much. its been this way for so long! this isnt like a couple bad months. between carrying the weight of money issues, health issues i cannot address because i dont know what they are past knowing something isn't right.. battling the health issues, battling the anxiety eating at me and the depression. i dont even have time to get to just being a good mom, taking care of the house, all the freaking animals i wish we didnt have, and that add greatly to my load of daily work. i want to hide but i cant. i want to run away from everyone, but i cant. most days i feel completely alone and without hope, no light waiting for me at the end of a hard day- nothingness. this feeling scares me because it makes me not want to keep trying, yet i will keep trying because my kids need me.. but feeling that way, just makes me cry. unless youve been where i am, you will not understand why you cant just chin up, look at the good stuff youve got and shake it off. no, when you can't find the ways in which to do that, you are left floundering all by yourself. i dont have a support system, i dont have real friends that i can reach out to or hug or go sit and have a talk with. and i think being 31 without friends is highly abnormal really, but it is what it is. chris tells me i am not alone, he will always be here with me, and yes i know he will.. but it's not the same. i am grateful for him yes, and he could very well end up being my best friend because i don't have much else besides our kids. but as most women know, having even one woman in your life to be by your side, understand things the men in our lives dont, there's no replicating it. and oddly enough, on my very worst of days, it seems no one i try to talk to is on the other end. i dont know what that should tell me, or shouldnt tell me. it just makes the pit in my gut deeper.

i do want to reach out but there is nothing to reach out for, so i find myself going inward again. i briefly researched st johns wort last night and i am going to start taking it, in hopes it helps in some way. ive always been prone to depression my entire life. i suffered from PPD after i had emma. i went to the dr then and at that time, they wouldn't give me anything while nursing, even st johns wort so i just went home and sucked it up. i was so scared i would have it worse with the other kids but it wasn't bad at all. i had a hard time after elsha but i got out of it. alot of is due to the circumstances in our life that are unchanging i know, and some of it maybe is not, i really have no way of knowing. i just want to be happy and there is no magic pill for that i am well aware. i have the tools to get through many things that have been and could be thrown at me, but i guess i am just tired, im tired of fighting it all or maybe ive exhausted all that strength i once had, i have no answers.

am i grateful for what i DO have? dont even think for a second i do not know what i have that is good.. my kids come to mind first and their health. i KNOW there are people worse off than i am. people that are homeless, or dying or their kids are ill come to mind. i am grateful we still have a roof even if it is far too small, but it doesnt take away that i am pissed off about everything else. and i dont think its fair to ask me not to be either. i dont need the pep talks, because believe you me, when my life didnt suck as bad, i gave a mean pep talk too. come talk to me when your life has been turned upside down and you have no security in anything. when everything youve looked forward to, worked towards or wanted was nothing more than smoke in mirrors. come talk to me then and tell me how you got through it.

happy happy turkey day (except for the turkey)

2008-11-27T20:27:00.007-05:00

2 days ago our usual thanksgiving plans changed, and we decided on a whim to do it here with our quaint family. ;) so for the first time EVER in all my 31 yrs, we had a thanksgiving at home. it was stressful at first and i thought everything would go wrong, but in the end it was so much fun! and even better, the food rocked! chris made our turkey and besides a little help from mrs. stove top by way of cornbread stuffing, i made the rest. =) i just wish the kids liked to eat.. because well, besides the bread product, they did not. i am looking forward to doing this again. i don't know that this will become the tradition here.. because we do like to go to Nana's house but this year it was not at her house. that is where i've gone for the last hmm like 11 years so it was sad to break the streak but it also felt good to have something special, that we worked hard on for just our family.

a table would have made it perfect and i have it in my head to somehow, some way get one because i really want to eat as a family EVERY night. but as most of you know, the 'dining room' doesn't really exist even without the giant dog crates in the way. BUT, we could make it work... i think. anyhow, just something else to work on, cause i really want it! (which means i will most likely get it, somehow, some way ;))

i had to take pics of our first thanksgiving meal as a family of 6. once i have 3 more kids actually EATING, this may get more difficult!
i hope you had a wonderful day and meal with those that you love.

crock pot garlic smashed taters!

dinner rolls (dough by way of my snazzy bread machine!)these are sooooooooo good. i will be making them lots!

turkae (only had a very small piece ha, me and meat aren't close)

pumpkin cream cheese pie! (again, i tasted it and it is AWESOME), i need to eat a whole piece already!

umm

2008-11-19T12:13:00.002-05:00

Who says I wanna? Cause if you're asking and not just assuming... assuming there is a heaven, I don't.
I will be most happy living a fulfilling life and dying a peaceful death when my time is up. If you know where I live, please don't come to my door. =)

These people should be fined for wasting paper.

;)

i'm getting good at appreciating

2008-11-18T12:21:00.004-05:00

remember when i said i was grateful for the goodwill that opened back up? were you paying attention? so, my friend and i went on down there sunday to look for dress up things for one of el's xmas gifts. well, we didn't find anything for that.. and as a sidenote, apparently in this economy crisis even the thrift stores have raised their prices, i'm seriously digusted at the price of VERY USED AND ABUSED clothing. now $4 for a kids outfit or shirt or whatever might be cheap to YOU, but for us cheap folks stretching a penny, that is NOT a bargain for something that is decent enough to play in the backyard. i buy 99% of my kid's clothes on clearance at target or walmart (if necessary), and i do not spend that much for NEW clothes! i'm truly apalled and needless to say, will not be shopping there for that kind of thing. nothing i saw was a bargain really.. well except THIS!

So i walked out of there completely elated that after all my hoping for a bread machine, i finally found one in my budget and in such good shape. i had gotten one off of freecycle the week before and wow, that thing needed to retire.. so it did, to my curb. this new baby looked almost brand new if not for some tarnishing on the stainless which i cleaned up as best i could. the inside is flawless, it had a window and a timer which the other didn't and that i wanted in a machine, and also makes a 2 lb loaf that we need with this bread inhaling family i call my own. i tested it out yesterday and it did an EXCELLENT job. everyone loved the bread! even baby rye who sat making his yummy eating sounds 'mm mmm mm' while looking around for more toast. i am more excited that i spent $5.99 and this is going to save us alot of money on bread!!!!!!!!!

sometimes things work out.. it doesn't happen often for me/us so i guess in a way, im blessed because when they do, i am more grateful than someone would be who always has things go right.

grateful day 2

2008-11-18T10:09:00.002-05:00

yea so i skipped a few days, life is busy HAHA, thats the understatement.

1. im grateful gas prices continue to decrease.. although one still needs $ to put said cheap gas into one's vehicle, darn.

2. im grateful i've lost a couple more pounds, because that at least means i'm not too old and my metabolism hasn't crapped out on me- yet. though my milk supply is not happy with this.. so i am trying to eat more.

3. i'm grateful that even though all 4 of my kids are sick (AGAIN), chris too.. i'm not- yet.

4. im grateful it's getting cold in florida because cold makes me think of happier times.

2008-11-18T09:52:00.002-05:00

i need to begin with a vent before i get to being grateful.

as you know times are tough. you know times are tough when your husband/fiance/partner/boyfriend person spends any free time applying at every place he drives by or can find online with an application, does this for months on end and yet hears nothing. you know times are tough when your last resort is to apply to work at mcdonalds and yet still, you hear nothing. when you can't get a job at mcdonalds, you know the world is in bad shape. chris is depressed and most of the time he hides it well, heck we are all depressed. but it's very hard to keep myself going let alone lift up someone else.. when i dont even know how on earth im supposed to. i tried the, 'well, thinking negatively isnt helping either but its just making everyone around you miserable so why not think positively', yea, well that doesnt help me either but i still say it to him. then the 'things have to get better- eventually'. what is that really? i mean its just empty words with an unknown amount of truth. trying as you might is not going to pay our bills! and they dont care that no one wants to buy cars and put stuff in cars and spend their $ on anything that is going to help chris make money so we can pay them. so now what? we don't have any answers at all. and that is a very hopeless feeling. hopelessness is one of the worst feelings to experience besides loss. .. which also contains a degree of hopelessness and loss of control in everything you know. i like nothing about any of those things and it's enough to eat you away to the point it ultimately, somewhere down that road of hopelessness.. will kill you.

so i'll start by saying if you are lucky enough to be able to continue to pay your mortgages, feed your kids and all those basic necessities we should all have the means of doing.. better yet if you have any extra money to pay for things you dont NEED to survive... then get down on your knees and thank your god, because you may not be able to tomorrow. easy to slip into a permanant way of thinking when things are going well. but it can all be taken in a moments time just like it was for us.

we are staying strong as a unit despite. when life is at it's worst, we seem to just get better growing together for the same goal. i guess that is a positive thing. and we both believe that yes, everything does have it's reason for happening, regardless of how tragic the event.. you find out why in time. so we fall back on that often and have seen it play out right in front of our eyes.

i can still find things i am grateful for
but i am no less scared of our reality.

The last launch

2008-11-14T20:26:00.003-05:00

Or so they say. They've scrubbed the shuttle program here in FL, which could spell disaster for the economy here if this new thing in the works doesn't pan out. Just what we need, more bad news!

Anyhow, Jude thinks rockets are cool so we stepped outside to watch this possibly historic moment. Oh and Emma's school was chosen out of our county to send all the kid's signatures up with it. So that's kinda neat too. =)

All is not lost

2008-11-14T13:12:00.004-05:00

because of my mental state as of late, i have decided that i NEED to force myself into thinking positively, even if for a brief moment each day and this is why i will start posting each day what i am grateful for that day or that moment. i know i talk about a lot of things going wrong, being depressed and the like. it is because things DO keep going wrong and i AM quite depressed, and i find it a constant struggle to pull myself out of this funk i quickly keep slipping back into. even if it would seem i can no longer find the light in my life, i will force myself to find it and hold onto those times i do, because they are few and far between anymore. they give me a quick feeling of peace to rest my heart and head for even a few minutes, which i desperately need.

it's very hard to live in this life as we know it. it's even harder when everyone around me seems to be doing so much better than i am, it makes it harder to lift my head back up each day but i must, for my 4 kids and the quality of their life, i must. and today i will try to help myself by starting this and hope it becomes a habit, to not only find the good things in my life and remember to come here and post them, but even look for those things every chance i get.

today i am grateful for...
the Goodwill that has opened back up across from Target where I was today. all the thrift stores/donation spots around here have closed up for whatever reason and it was a real shame. i've never been a big frequenter of those places, but i also didn't have as many money troubles as i do now. i didn't use to be very conscious to pass things down or reuse when possible, i've changed over the years.. for the better i'd like to think. i got really excited to see the windows full of stuff since i had planned to look for some dress up things for elsha for christmas, somewhere.. and had to keep it affordable. maybe one day i can look for clothes for me too since i really have nothing acceptable to wear in public, which admittedly hasn't stopped me.

i'm grateful for the sweet little comments my stink of a 2 yr old daughter makes in the middle of her rotten day... she has sweet times in between MOSTLY every day. when she isn't belting out the high screams that i swear could break glass, or 'decorating' my van with a cheerio shower. we were crossing a big bridge over the river that leads to the island where target lies... she loved looking at the water out the windows and then got even more excited 'momma wook a ship!' i love when she so innocently is just elsha, just enjoying being 2 and all the little things in life that are exciting, new and bring you happiness.

i'm grateful for the one tangible friend i have where i live so that on the rare occasion (probably annually) we can dump our kids with our fellas and go have adult girl time, which we are planning on this wknd. i know my sanity can use the breather, hers too and maybe i can return with a little more patience for my monsters.. and a little more clarity about things in general.

being a full time mommy/housekeeper/cook/animal caretaker/bus driver/shopper/milk cow...
get's pretty darn tiring. no paying job i've ever had, could hold a candle to it.

well..
it's a good start.

it's exhausting

2008-11-13T15:36:00.003-05:00

being human. i am convinced i was not meant to be born this way and be living here. maybe i shoulda been an animal, anything but not what i am and where i have to live. i don't understand anyone and they don't understand me. i've always felt this way, so it's not like an epiphany or anything spurring this entry.

just more thinking like i always do in passing, or between cleaning something else. i get down too often. down about the entire big picture of life and all it's purpose and all it's waste of time. i never understood the point in it at all. just one big roller coaster ride you eventually get off of and can never get back on. i know i wouldn't ride it if it were me. but here i am so i do like the rest of you, 'make the best of it' eh? that's all i can figure anyway.

in the meantime i will continue to daydream of moving very far away from anyone or anything i've ever known or who knows me and building a life apart from it all. i wish we could build our own colony and i could cease being a part of the population.

wishes get you nowhere.

blah blah

2008-11-13T15:22:00.001-05:00

blah
who cares.

We may be ...

2008-11-10T10:58:00.002-05:00

alcoholics, but we are the recycling kind. ;)

It works out in the end. lol.

I'm swearing off children

2008-11-07T13:44:00.005-05:00

Yep, been on of those days. The first time the notion of tying my tubes has ever come into my mind, as I'm attempting to pin down a 10 mo old with an elbow in the rib with one arm while I aim at getting cream in the right place with the other. It takes no less than 10 minutes to change this kid's diaper, it's like nothing I've done before.. trust me, it burns calories.

EVERYTHING with Rye is a struggle. I put off EVERYTHING with him. Even seemingly simple things like wiping off his face after a meal? Don't even think about it.. you must schedule time in your day for tasks such as this. I feel like a side show just getting him dressed.. yes mothers know dressing a baby is not easy.. less easy as they become mobile, but not all kids are this kid. I chase him around the 2 sides of our bed that aren't against a wall.. from side to side, getting a shirt over his head on one turn, an arm in a sleeve the next.. as we know, the diaper comes last.

I am exhausted. Those of you with more than 4 kids (said with love), I don't know how you've maintained or tricked yourself into thinking you've maintained sanity, because after 4 I know I have lost mine. But hmm, do crazy people ever realize they are crazy? I don't think so, as they are thinking with a crazy mind. My friend Kim (she is so much wiser than I), told me 4 was the magic number.. the point at which not only should you be done, but have pushed the limit. I didn't know if I believed her, after all I love lots of kids and a lot of things that comes with having lots of kids. I'm here to say she was dead on. She told me not long ago.. as I probably mentioned the baby itch (it comes and goes), she told me to give it time. I'm here to say she was dead on.

As I sit here typing and noticing my nasty too long of nails,that are in desperate need of filing... and 2 of my children behind me wrestling and on the verge of hurting the other one AGAIN (it's coming in 1, 2, 3, 4.... it's coming, trust me), and think of my hair that could stand a washing because I can't remember the last time I did it (crying commenced, see told ya it was coming), the couch that has turned into one gigantic laundry hamper because the need for that has outweighed the need for a place to sit, the fact that I haven't had a single meal today and it is approaching 2 pm. That is not new, as a meal for me ususally consists of whatever I can pick at as I stand in the kitchen doing 1 to 2 other things. Oh, unless I wait until bedtime for all said children to be quietly asleep in their bed (yeah RIGHT) so I can sit and enjoy my food.

..............................................

I realize wow, what have I taken on. Sure I love them, I would give my life any day of the week for any one of them but my lord, I'm drained. Am I allowed to be? It doesn't really matter if you say yes, because it's not like anything will make me less drained but I hope I'm allowed to be, because well, I am. I have long lists of things I want to do.. with the kids, for the kids, with the house, for the family. It doesn't get touched because by the end of the day, I am still trying to catch up to the day!

It will get better eh? That's what Kim says too.. I don't know if I believe her.

And if anyone wants to borrow a 2.5 yr old, I have one that thinks she is too cute for her own good. Is more vindictive than any grown woman I have ever met, and plays us like she's an expert in the field. She also stomps, pouts, hands on hips, bites, slaps, pinches, kicks and screams at anyONE or anyTHING that gets in the way of her mental plan.

Notice I left out the other 2 kids, I've run out of time and am too tired to write another book.

Yep, been one of those days... and it's still early. Sigh.

hehe

2008-11-06T10:28:00.003-05:00

Upon burping this morning (which I didn't hear), Jude said 'cuse me!' and I said excuse what? He said he 'buhpped'. I said OH, thank you for being so polite! I said, are you a polite boy? He says "Yes, I am a polite boy. There are no polite girls because girls don't buhp" Hahaha.

Or the other day at Seaworld we spent some time watching the Budweiser Clydesdales graze. They loooooved the horsies, horsey this horsey that. After awhile Jude said "Dad, I want to see a COW". Lol, cracked the two of us up.

I love the stuff he always comes up with. He gets wittier by the day. He's a lot fun (a lot of headache too) these days. Half the time I can't keep a straight face at such a strong personality and such strong convictions about the way things should be, in the life of a 4 year old. ;) He keeps us in stitches.

YUMMY Chili!!

2008-11-05T16:43:00.004-05:00

Been awhile since I've cooked. Just too tired, too much going on.. too down .. too many things ha. The weather here I guess has made me want some chili and to use my slow cooker again (love that thing). I of course consume little to no meat, so it had to be vegetarian. I got this recipe off allrecipes.com (love that site!) and thought I'd give it a whirl. It is SO GOOD. Oh my, I will be eating this every day until I eat it all! It does make alot.. the amounts called for. I have a huge crockpot so it worked well for me, and if I'm gonna cook something for 8 hrs it better be a lot of food! I doubt anyone else here will eat this seeing as it contains beans (I could live on beans!) and is weird looking (isn't shaped like pizza or nuggets or fries) to my weird children. But I will definitely make this again!

It's suggested to serve this with tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, guac and sour cream.. ummm YUMMY!! I am just eating it plain, and maybe with chips to cut the calories but I can imagine how awesome it would be with all that extra yummy stuff. I luuuuuuuuuv Mexicano!! hehe.

***I cut the onions to 3 (that's alot of onion!), and added a few good shakes of Emeril's Bayou Blast (that stuff rocks).***

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup olive oil
4 onions, chopped
2 green bell peppers, seeded
and chopped
2 red bell peppers, seeded and
chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14 ounce) package firm tofu,
drained and cubed
4 (15.5 ounce) cans black
beans, drained
2 (15 ounce) cans crushed
tomatoes
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black
pepper
2 teaspoons ground cumin
6 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons distilled white
vinegar
1 tablespoon liquid hot pepper
sauce, such as
Tabasco™

DIRECTIONS:
1.
Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions; cook and stir until they start to become soft. Add the green peppers, red peppers, garlic and tofu; cook and stir until vegetables are lightly browned and tender, the whole process should take about 10 minutes.
2.
Pour the black beans into the slow cooker and set to Low. Stir in the sauteed vegetables and tomatoes. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder, oregano, vinegar and hot pepper sauce. Stir gently and cover. Cook on Low for 6 to 8 hours.

2008-11-04T09:46:00.003-05:00

First time I've ever done this. I thought it necessary this year, because I know who I DON'T want to see as President. My family has been more than affected with the way things are going with the economy, and we won't be able to stay afloat if it continues.

Out of order

2008-10-25T10:20:00.004-04:00

So I've officially (once again) reached the weight I was prior to conceiving Jude, prior to conceiving Elsha, and prior to conceiving Rye. It took a bit longer this time for whatever reason, things have been sluggish and slow going. But it's depressed me for many a months so I am happy to feel even just a little better about myself (for the moment). I need that more than most of you know.

Now my ideal weight is still 5-6 lbs lighter (depending on the day)than I am or have been in 5 years. If you do the calculations, I conceived the last 3 babies either right before or after the other turned one year old. Rye is just a bit less than 2 months away from being one year old (sobs). This year though, I've got the out of order sign hung on my uterus. I will hopefully get to maybe experience staying thin for a good length of time and maybe reaching my ideal weight eventually! Experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and birth is right up there on my list of favorite things to do, but I won't lie and say it is not a sheer assault on the human body.. especially when you do it 3 times back to back and breastfeeding in between.. I've seen/felt the reprecussions of it. I of course would go back and do it all again, wouldn't doubt for a second it wasn't worth it. ;)

The point of this post being, that as sad as I get (and as weird as it feels, and as weird as that sounds) thinking of not being pregnant when my baby turns a year old.. and the fact that my baby is turning a year old.. and many other complicated and in depth, and too far thought out feelings I go through every week at least... I in turn can look forward to finally, after about 2 years, being comfortable in my skin (my friends will be happy to hear me say this I know). And I can in turn look most forward to enjoying my baby boy and all his wonders of life as he heads into his 2nd year of life on this earth. It's easy to miss the excitment, and fascinations, laughs, smiles, cute little things that happen on a daily basis with babies- with your eyes propped open with toothpicks, and head stuck in a toilet. Okay, so those are the negative things lol, but it's indeed true I have missed ALOT in the kid's lives between the ages of 1 and 2 and it saddens me. I wish I could duplicate myself and give my all to every one one of them, but as we all have that wish, we know it's just a wish and spend the rest of the time trying to keep up.

Sometimes I envy people with 2 kids. It seems the perfect number alot of the time but for me, it just wasn't perfect. ;) And then I see them all interact and love on eachother from the start of a day, until the end and I know why I went past 2. =) It surely sucks when sickness visits us, as it still is right now.. and the worry comes to me and won't let me go. I am no less paranoid after 4 than I was being a first time mom, but that is just me being a worrier. And it surely sucks when you come up on another birthday and another year gone by, because time will never slow down no matter how much I seem to fight against it. And in fact for those of you without kids, if you ever want to speed your days up.. have a child. If you really want to see things fly by, have more than one.

Much more blogging about my feelings on this topic later I'm sure, as Rye's big day approaches. Get ready to get bored. ;)
Oops, if you weren't already. No one promised this blog to be exciting. hehe.

2 things i love

2008-10-23T14:11:00.011-04:00

1. My children
2. A camera

They go well together dontcha think? =)

sick

2008-10-19T15:39:00.002-04:00

sick i hate being sick, why am i sick.. please go away. i can't think today being sick. and did i mention everyone too is also sick like me, but worse because i can handle being sick... sort of. i am good at cleaning (i think that's about it), dirt and puke, poop and pee... im good at those things. perhaps i should have been a nurse and at least get paid to clean up after sick people. oh then but wait, did i mention i can only clean up after me and my own.. my own not so much when they hit like 6, then it gets some how much more gross. especially if you have morning sickness, then cleaning up vomit is just not good for that. i dont have morning sickness but i did once and had to clean up vomit, and i can tell you, you don't want to have to do that.

i am in the twighlight zone. this sickness has done me in and i dont know what it is, but it's not kind to me.. or the others. i want to feel like me again and be able to concentrate on one thing for longer than the 2 mins it takes to enter and leave my head. im going in circles around here wondering where i was going mid way through the circle. this isn't good!

everyone here is glassy eyed and spacey, grumpy, whiney, snotty and coughing up part of a lung. i run around with my thermometer taking temperatures.. 1, 2, 3, 4.. doling out medicine, getting noses to blow and wiping and or suctioning the noses that don't know how. clorox wipes are a dear friend as is my washer and dryer. these 2 things i would never want to live without.

but now im sick to my stomach probably from surviving on some coffee, a beer, 4 saltines and 3 pickle chips. hmm, that'll do it. at least i've lost a little weight. i'd rather not be...

SICK. =(

leave us alone.

Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower

2008-10-15T22:36:00.005-04:00

~Albert Camus

Tomorrow is the anniversary of your birth, one year ago. I remember it vividly even though not my own. I waited patiently for your arrival, all 9+ months of it. Your Momma and I talked alot, mostly daily about you and all kinds of other stuffs that sometimes mattered, and sometimes not. Despite getting ready to have another baby of my own, I was more excited to hear when you finally graced this earth with your presence. Your Momma has very special children to me and I was so excited to see you join them, and the details of your little face.

I kept the last email from your Momma before she gave birth to you, dated Tuesday, October 16, 2007 5:03 PM ..
" water broke...going in."

We had been talking all day if this was to be the day of your birth! And I really felt it would be but, I was boiling over with excitement when that email came through! By that time, it was too late to respond back but I waited for what seemed like many hours for the text message update of how you both were doing. I was so happy to find out you were here and that all was well. I slept with my phone beside my bed so your Mom could text me anytime she wanted to and I'd be there for her. I remember awakening in the wee hours of morning to the first photo of you. .. what an awesome feeling to finally see you after all that time waiting!

I've watched you grow over the last year, and faster than I think anyone would like you to have. ;) I am looking forward to another year of watching you change and learn (and get cuter!). I hope I get to meet you one day, and you don't think I'm a total weirdo for wanting to give you big squishy hugs if only being your long distance Auntie, whom you've never seen (in person) lol.

You are loved little girl.
Happiest of Birthdays to you.

Tis the season

2008-10-15T21:37:00.007-04:00

to paint pumpkins. This is the first year I've done this, having gotten the idea from my friend Lisa. They had fun. The pumpkins turned out looking a little abused rather than painted, but who cares... the peace and quiet I got out of it, and the fun and mess they got out of it, was all worth it. =)

Now, I'm just waiting for Winter here in lovely (insert sarcastic voice) Florida, so we can feel the Fall. Oh how I love Winter because I live in this state. I am longing for it to lift the mood draping over me.

The shape of things

2008-10-05T11:59:00.002-04:00

The other night as I was kissing Jude goodnight, I told him I was going to go walk around the block. He asked me to repeat was I was going to do, and then with a huge smile and laughter informed me that "MOM, blocks aren't round!!".

lol.

I had to then try to explain, which well, I never did, I simply responded with a question (as I like to do with children)"'they're not?".

It is completely impossible to replicate the mind of a child, but I love watching them work and hearing what comes out those busy little places. =)

Ma and God~ the great Shel Silverstein

2008-10-04T15:54:00.005-04:00

**Reading to my children the other day, this one gave me a much needed chuckle**

God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Use your fork."
God gave us voices - Ma says, " Don't scream."
Ma says eat broccoli, cereal and carrots.
But God gave us tasteys for maple ice cream.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, " Use your hanky."
God gave us puddles - Ma says, "Don't splash ."
Ma says, "Be quite, you father is sleeping."
But God gave us garbage can covers to crash.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Put your gloves on."
God gave us raindrops - Ma says, " Don't get wet."
Ma says be careful, and don't get too near to
Those strange lovely dogs that God gave us to pet.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Go wash 'em."
But God gave us coal bins and nice dirty bodies.
And I ain't too smart, but there's one thing for certain ~
Either Ma's wrong or else God is.

...

2008-10-03T13:47:00.002-04:00

The sound of small chatter fills the empty space I’ve grown used to
I’ve grown against hope
I’ve been blown where the wind has told me to go
Far from where I’d been
Anything or anyone I hold
Dear is leaving me
I’ve been told
In so many words

I guess everyone has to have a reason to be happy
People don’t get it when you don’t
And no one really wants to know otherwise
So I smile and I am polite and
No one is the wiser
I fall down when I am out of view

No one comes to check on me these days
Being alive accounts for too much
Anymore
Waking up doesn’t mean
I want to be here
It just means I woke up
And
No one else can fit in this room
It’s crowded complete with all my trouble
Yet space has a way of making room for more
Of those
I am growing old alone
Right alongside you
Alongside me

I’m disturbed
Sleep brings me no relief
I’m pushed down and the surface is
too hard to see
Sure I’m gonna make it
Been brainwashed into thinking I’m stronger than
this

But at the end of the day
I’m still dying inside
Your worlds are
Slowing down and looking
More blue and more green
With smiles upturning
I am slowly going blind
Very far
Away

Faith = 0

2008-09-26T20:27:00.003-04:00

I've had a life by no means easy, by no means without heartache, without heart wrenching, mind numbing pain.. many years of it actually.. not without those things, that is. I once had a close co-worker tell me (the day I was to find out my husband was killed in a car accident) that because I had had SO much turmoil for so long, that there was to come a time when I would be able to be peaceful and to live without this all, and my hard times were soon to come to an end and I would have the happiness I deserved. She was right. After a time of much much more stress, in a variety of areas,.. I found Chris and we have since have created 3 blessings (in the way of children), and after today, that is all I can think of that has been positive in my life in the last 8 years. After some (not a whole lot) thought, I am wondering about this.. I haven't taken the thoughts very far because to be honest, I am drained emotionally these days and I don't have it in me. But nonetheless it's interesting that the only things that have brought me any sort of peace and happiness and positivity and light in this world in EIGHT whole years, have been children.. no wonder I keep wanting them ha.. nothing else GOOD happens in my life! I mean sure, little things .. but nothing I can write home about and say WOW, things are really turning around for me/us, no.

Point being, I am quickly losing hope about our life ever getting easier, less stressful or less ANYTHING bad. If I was a religious person, this is right about the time I would be losing all faith in God and look like the fool who puts all his belief in him, only to be let down and made to look like I am holding on to a God who does not take care of me.

THAT I often think of but again, let it go because well.. I am far too busy to linger on these details. Life sucks, but it never slows down. Kids never stop needing to get shuttled here and there, need juice and cereal and milk and cookies and toys and crayons, and school stuff and pictures, field trips.. science lab lists, club actitivites, meetings and conferences, parties, donations, GAS to reach all these destinations. This is just part of what distracts my head on a partial daily basis. The rest is what I'm not currently producing brain activity in... it will come to me again and soon.

It is true we are still here, most of us are healthy (I on the other hand am a mess but will never be able to afford insurance to get to any Dr's), and most definitely kicking, albeit out of a sheer fit from being mad at life, and not so much feeling strong anymore. I have been beaten down by life and I don't know how much longer I am going to mentally hold up. I have been the glue that holds us together in many ways and if I can't keep doing that, then where will we be? Unfortunately faith doesn't put food on our shelves and keep our electricity on, it doesn't pay our mortgage so we can keep the roof that we've grown out of, over our heads. It does not put gas in my car, or at least since Chris is the one with this so called 'faith' it hasn't put gas in his. It sounds good when people say it, and almost convincing for the one with a desperate heart. I am desperate, I have been there and when I was, faith got me nowhere. Today I have the internet and the kids are fed and we still have our house that is far too small yet Chris is killing himself to try to pay for, but no one can tell us what next week will bring. Our life has no security in any area, and I'm tired of living this way. And in the meantime I'm trying to fgure out at what point in time we did something so wrong, immoral or unjust as to be paying the price for this long.

So if there is a God, shine a little light down on us and show us you're there. I've only ever tried to be a good person and do right by others, take care of my own and anyone else I can, even if it means not taking care of me. I want to enjoy my children while they are children and not be sick to my stomach every day because something else is falling down around us, I don't want to grow old this way. It's obvious the control is no longer ours, if it ever was..
and I'm waiting for a lifeline.. .

..

My Gang as of late

2008-09-22T22:32:00.002-04:00

So they are cute and crazy and chaotic and they drain me and.... I want more of these?! (maybe) =D But they ARE pretty cute eh? hehe

Sharin' the cuteness

2008-09-16T21:48:00.004-04:00

We have I believe 13 diapers now. Not ALOT! but enough to get us by with washing every other day like I had wanted. I wouldn't mind a few more mostly because umm, I'm obsessed? You heard it here first. ;) But for any of you that either CD or have been interested to try it, how can you resist seeeing these on your little ones's tush? It's not at all easy! which is why I endlessly window shop for more. =) These 2 are my latest arrivals... more Green Acre Designs.

Green feels Good =)

2008-09-16T21:28:00.005-04:00

So, I decided to buy some clothesline to start hanging my dipes on sunny days to get a good airing out or sunning. We are doing well so far in our journey, with a couple snags along the way. So far though, despite a few bumps and finding out what works for us best, I really love this way of diapering. It's only made me want to do more and more things in a 'greener' way. I try to keep improving upon things in our life and home that I can change or at least make better. It's become a way of life almost to not be so fast just to toss something out, without first thinking what else I could possibly use it for and recycle into a brand new purpose. I feel guilty now for using any plastic bags at all at the stores.. either if I forget to bring them all with me, or I have too much for the 3 cloth bags I own. So I will be buying a few more very soon so I can avoid the plastic ones altogether. And just when you think you've found your new groove, your fiance goes and buys a pack of paper plates... to make your life with 4 children 'easier'. He caught a bit of smack for that but what are ya gonna do..(I don't use them he does hehe), he meant well, in his own lazy man way, :D

I've never hung clothes in the sunshine before, and I loved it. It made me feel one step closer to nature, and one step closer in the right direction on the way to my goal of simplifying our life.. a good spirit lifter for me as of late.

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You!...

2008-09-03T22:06:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday Miss Kiley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. (and many moooooooooooooore) hehehe.

I wish I was there to give you a BIG GIRL birthday hug!!!!! But since I can't.. Here are SIX big computer hugs for the princess! ..oooooo's!!!!!!Those were hugs but I'll throw in a couple kisses too! xx's!!

I hope you had the best birthday ever so far! And that your Momma's cupcakes were yummy-lish-ish!!!

Sweetest big girl dreams to my favorite 6 year old!!!!!!

~Auntie Kris

Green Acre Designs Diapers ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-27T21:37:00.005-04:00

I have delved into the cloth diapering world and my most favorite diaper as of yet is the GAD. I adore these diapers- yes even over the famous Fuzzi Bunz ;). They have a much better, and trimmer fit.. the color choices available are just awesome and can't compete with other cloth diapers out there. They are adorable!!!!!!! And the best part of them? THEY DON'T LEAK ALL NIGHT LONG!!!! I have an extremely heavy wetter so I have found out after starting cloth. The first time I tried cloth.. (see post below), was a Fuzzi Bunz at night well the results are: it failed. The insert didn't even come close to absorbing half of what it needed to, and hadn't even made it to 1 am yet! Needless to say, he went back into a Huggies that night. =( I then went on to do more research the next day into what inserts I needed to make a cloth diaper work at night. I ended up ordering an assortment of both hemp inserts, and also ones that are meant to fit the Fuzzi Bunz. I received these inserts today! I have much prepping to do on my hemp ones, as they need to be washed and washed and washed.. (several more times to) to reach maximum absorbency and be ready to use! The repeated washing strips the naturally occurring oils out of the hemp- oil repels water remember? We don't want that. Once that is gone, people RAVE about hemp, especially for night use. We will try whatever we can!

Well in the meantime, I received the inserts that fit my GAD's in the mail. The next night I decided to try one of those in the GAD for kicks.. after all they looked super thick on their own and also fold where you need the absorbency most. No leaks since using one of these at night for Mr. Pee pants! I'm in love. =) For daytime use the Fuzzi Bunz have been just awesome for us, they also may work wonders at night with the proper insert or insertS.

I am on the search for more! And have just been informed about a fleece version of this diaper that is excellent for being breathable all night long (PUL is what is on the rest of our dipes that makes them waterproof). So, I want to try one of those too!

We are coming along on our journey! And will get better at it as we go!

My Fuzzi Bun ;)

2008-08-22T20:44:00.008-04:00

Tonight Rye sports a 'fluffy' butt. ;) We are experimenting since I got 2 inserts in the mail today for my 2 Fuzzi Bunz that did not come with them. They are a bit on the bulky side I've noticed.. and don't know yet what the inserts that come with Fuzzi Bunz are like, to know if these are bulkier. I don't care about nighttime bulk, as long as it's going to absorb well.. but during the day and under his clothing, might not work out ideally. This is the very beginning of my cloth experimentation so we may have a long road ahead as far as getting it down to a science of knowing, what works for daytime, and for nighttime. Rye is no longer a newborn as we know, so hopefully it won't be too complicated. He didn't used to be a heavy wetter at night either, before he decided he needed a midnight, or 3, or 4, 5 or 6 am snack to quench his hunger pangs. NOW though, he pees like like a champ and will out pee anything Luvs or Pampers can throw at him. This may be a challenge indeedy-o. But, maybe not. Enjoy the pics... updates on our little cloth journey to come!

First try at my own wipes solution, we'll see how this one works out (smells YUM!):
2 cups filtered water
2 tbsp vegetable oil
2 tbsp baby wash
2 tbsp baby lotion
5 drops tea tree oil

Only a boy...

2008-08-22T12:06:00.003-04:00

Could give himself a rug burn to this degree. How you ask? (and this is better) because he was laying on the floor spinning himself in circles (by kicking his feet), so his cars could zoom around in circles also, veddy fast so I'm gathering. He did cry but I didn't know why, just seeing a couple cars on the floor and a little red spot that looked like nothing. I figured his freak out was just him being him being dramatic, as he tends towards. The next morning when I saw this, I knew why he was so upset!!

Oh what fun lies ahead.. And one day (soon) I'll have two (okay 3, seeing as Dad just as bad) of these creatures in my midst?

Coming closer to completion

2008-08-18T21:51:00.005-04:00

So, I am almost finished receiving the items that will complete my cloth stash! I can't tell you how excited I was to watch from the window as the mailman stuffed packages into my box, and then proceed to the door with another one. I received 4 packages today! Here is what I currently have:

~ wetbag (hanging diaper pail essentially, that will be washed alongside diapers)
~ 12 custom made too-cute-for-word cloth wipes
(http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199767) HIGHLY recommend her!!!
~ 12 organic flannel wipes
~ 2 Fuzzi Bunz dipes
~ 2 Green Acre Designs dipes

The rest of my diapers will be here in the next 2 weeks. And tonight I will finish ordering the inserts for the 5 diapers I will have that came without them. When I get the others I will FINALLY be able to start this new experience! In the meantime check out the pics of my new stuff, heehee.

My girlz =)

2008-08-11T15:35:00.003-04:00

Aren't they cute? hehe.

I love these!!

2008-08-11T13:51:00.004-04:00

Okay so I never jumped on the whole fabric shopping bag bandwagon, I admit it, it was the least of my ever-so-many growing concerns as of late. But, one day while finishing off another carton of Silk soymilk, and entering my green cap for another chance to win something.. sure enough, I won!! I've won 2 things in my life that I can remember, a red Cocoa Cola shirt when I was quite small (where is that shirt? hm), and a plastic Alf mug (yes that was obviously awhile ago too). So, I was naturally thrilled! I recieved a $50 gift card to this store: http://www.gaiam.com/

One of my purchases were these: http://www.gaiam.com/product/gift-guide/gifts-by-occasion/housewarming/chicobag+reusable+shopping+bags.do?search=basic&keyword=bags&sortby=bestSellers&page=1

Let me just say how much I LOVE these bags! I got 3 of them and on my largest of trips (which haven't been HUGE) thus far, I have only needed those 3. They hold quite a lot and seem rather sturdy too. I initially was worried I would forget I had them with me and use them at all (much like cash on the rare occasion it occupies my wallet) but since I received them several weeks ago, I've not used a single plastic bag! The downside is we have one of those bag sock things hanging up because I 'recycle' them as trash bags in the small cans around the house, so we tend to run extremely low thanks to me haha. So, I will rely on Chris's trips to replenish the plastic bag supply I guess.

Thinking I may get some more just to have for those trips I do need more than the 3. The cool thing about them unlike most reusable bags, is that they fold up into themsevles in this little pocket and take up like no space. They are also made to hang on a keychain or something. They're totally cute hehe. As I become more and more conscious of the environment and it's impact on the health of my family, I try to make minor changes as I'm able. I'm excited when I do!

A late Birthday Wish for a Best Friend

2008-08-09T18:24:00.005-04:00

Happy Birthday to a woman so close to my heart and in my thoughts at all times .. (You really are, eventhough I forgot your birthday on the 6th. I am a bad friend because of it and I'm sooooooooo sorry!!!!!!).

Okay so I suck at remembering things and being a friend in that way, but in other ways.. you know that I'd be here at any hour, 24/7, 365 days a year. Of course, if it's your birthday you may not hear from me lol, but I am still here for you. And one day, when my brain is less occupied with life and all it's wonders and turmoil, I will hopefully regain a little more memory and a little less stupidity.

I am grateful that your day was all in all, a positive day. You needed that, I know. If I was rich I would fly up there just to give you a hug while the nanny sat the kids. ;) But since, I'm not rich I'm sending them... several, gargantuan (hey I spelled that right the first time), hold you tight and not let go until you push me away, hugs.

I love you Kim Kim, you don't know how much. Maybe one day when we move to MA, you will. ;) hehe.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My newfound obsession with cloth.

2008-08-09T15:18:00.006-04:00

Okay, so I have decided (yes I know- again) that I am going to cloth diaper. No, I don't mean 'try it', I'm going to completely switch over. I know I mentioned wanting to CD Rye and El when I was pg with him. I ended up never even trying it because Chris wasn't really on board with it and I would end up being responsible for the initial start up cost. Well, Chris is on board this time, EXCEPT for again the initial cost of the investment. I am not thrilled with it either but it's a huge savings in the long run. Just putting a chunk upfront and then not having to again, rather than a couple thousand bucks over the course of 2 or 3 years. Another good thing is that they have a very high resale value. Some people that aren't familiar with how it works may think reusing cloth diapers is gross, but it's extremely common to sell them and pass them onto babies who can use them when you no longer can. Just another way to recycle! After all, who spends a couple or so hundred bucks on something, just to throw it away when it's perfectly useable? That would be pretty dumb.

I have searched high and low for some gently used dipes I can get my hands on for a good price, but so far I have come up quite empty handed in what I'm searching for. I most likely will be buying new and only a few at a time, seeing as I will be buying them and $16 per diaper being in the low range for the kind I will be using. On a good note, he should be in them until he potty trains. Awesome! Oh yeah, and I'll be cloth wiping too! Hehe. How nice not to have to bring home another big box of wipes and go through like 6 on a dirty diaper!

I'm soooooooooooooo excited and have become officially addicted to cloth diapers, even though I've never even touched one lol. If you start researching and looking at the millions of different ones out there, you'd probably fall in love with them too! Oh, and I'm not talking about prefolds (burp rags) with pins either. These are too cute for words!! I have not done much in my spare time as of late besides search intently for diapers and research them. This is how I am though. Once my head gets an idea, I don't let it go before I examine it up and down, inside and out, over and over until I know it by heart. If only I could use that ability to learn math and help my 5th grader with her homework. ;)

Here are a few I've grown especially in love with SO FAR. They may be some of my choices to try when I finally end up placing my first order next week!:

http://www.fuzzibunzdirect.com/products.php?cat=36

http://www.greenacredesigns.com/store/WsDefault.asp?Cat=DiapersCovers

http://www.prestonspants2006.citymax.com/mediumminky.html

http://www.jamtots.com/BerryPlush-All-in-Ones-or-Covers-C41.aspx

http://www.rumparooz.com/catalog.php?category=38

Mom4Life Weekly Giveaway: Baby Light & Clip Lighted Safety Nail Clipper

2008-08-08T10:30:00.005-04:00

Some of you know about Mom4Life, it's one of my most favorite sites for unique items for babies, children.. and Moms! I go here often to see their new products and just shop if I have some extra $. They have very competitive prices (I would know, I research everything!), and always free shipping! (I don't love anything quite as much as free shipping!).They have very personal customer service regardless of how their store has grown, a MUST on my list! They always have giveaways and things going on so check them out when you have some time to browse!

Jude says...

2008-08-02T09:30:00.003-04:00

He needs to buy a new Mommy. Once asked to elaborate on why this is the case, he informed me he needed to buy a 'quiet Mommy', and that I was a 'loud Mommy'. Hmm, on certain days I can see why that would be true but not this morning as I was quietly wiping down the kitchen? I think it was because I wouldn't put on a Cars tattoo at the very moment he needed it. How fast he is to trade me in. =(

It's early yet, this could prove to be an interesting day. I forgot how much fun 4 was. ;)

Stupid Parents need to be put in jail.

2008-08-01T11:05:00.004-04:00

Okay so I'm going to rant right now.

If you breed children and you own a moving vehicle, and you fail to either use or learn how to use a safety belt or child restraint (properly!) to secure your children in that vehicle you need to be LOCKED UP!!!! If you are that moronic, you should NOT be breeding. I am sorry (wait, no I'm not!), but I believe parents that actually can't THINK with their brain enough to do these things should lose their right to procreate, end of story. I am sick and tired of seeing children romping around in moving cars. The laws are screwed up, as most laws are in that parents are given nothing more than a fine (I don't know what the laws are in all states but I know the laws aren't working, big surprise) for endangering their children's lives in such a way as to potentially cause death to come to them. What about using a seatbelt or a child seat is that hard where SO many people can't seem to either do it OR do it correctly!!!??? Why can't people instill in their children that cars are NOT toys. You do NOT get out of your seat or seatbelt while in a moving car. We can teach them this, this is NOT something to compromise with your child on.

I all too often see this and it makes me SICK and angry. If parents can't even take these easy steps to protect their childs life should they be involved in an accident, what else don't they do? These are basic safety measures we are talking about here, and that is a scary thought. I've read the cries of parents who's children were killed in accidents because they were not properly buckled in or restrained and who is to blame? YOU are, and you killed your own child. I don't feel sympathy for you. I feel angry you brought a child into this world and couldn't care for them the way they deserved to be cared for. I even once saw a woman get out of the passenger seat of her SUV one time, retrieve her newborn from the backset (where he was safely secured I'm assuming), get back into the front seat with him or her and breastfeed as they continued to drive on. I followed that SUV that day just to see what was so god damned important she had to take her baby to the front of a car, unsecured and drive down a very busy road. I found out she was nursing her baby this way. Now any of you that know me, know I am passionate about these 2 things, and so this naturally enraged me. You don't know how bad and how many times I talked myself out of following them home to ask what the hell they were thinking... also having a newborn in the backseat of my SUV at the time. Obviously a woman that breastfeeds her baby wants to do the best thing for her baby, and then she goes and does this??????? How completely screwed up and backwards that is! If you need to risk your helpess newborn flying through a windshield, sit in the backseat with a bottle of formula for God's sake.. Because obviously, pulling over to park and nurse is too much to ask for some people.

I know this post will accomplish nothing seeing as it is not getting to the masses and even if it were, people are stupid is what it comes down to. I trust the people I know reading this, are well versed in carseat safety (right guys?). If I come across harsh it is because this issue also hits close to home with me.
As some of you may know, I could have lost Emma in a car accident when she was just 2 years old. I say 'could have' because eventhough she was not harmed (this was God's doing), her Father was killed alongside her in the vehicle which made the possibility of losing her extremely real.

This is a black and white issue for me, there are no grey areas. Cars will always be to me nothing more than metal coffins. I am well aware I am putting my life and the lives of my children in danger everytime I get in one, so I am going to take every precaution available to me because I still have to drive a car. I will never like cars and I will never like driving. And God help the next person I see with an unsecured child in the car who catches me on a bad day.

*end of rant* (for now).

This didn't surprise me one bit

2008-08-01T11:00:00.002-04:00

(Hush Jeni!)

Thank God I was born in the 70's! LOL

As a 1930s wife, I am
Poor

Take the test!

Breast Is Indeed Best

2008-08-01T10:48:00.003-04:00

And even my kids know it. ;) They had been busy taking care of their 'babies' (a recent fascination for the both of them in the last couple of days), and I turned around to see this. Makes a Momma proud. =)

Black Bean Burgers

2008-08-01T10:33:00.005-04:00

Okay, so I tweaked this recipe a tad according to my own tastes, and after experimenting initially with a different one, and the texture not turning out satisfactory. This came out AWESOME! Emma loved them and so did I. I made 5 and froze 3. I will be making LOTS more and freezing them, sure beats paying $3 or $4 a box at the store!

As most of you know I am not a big fan of all things meat, so I have been looking at recipes that either don't include that or much of that at least for ME. I didn't try these with the little kids because I just didn't feel like wasting more food, sigh. But if you like beans, these are an awesome replacement and oh so filling too!

(click title for recipe)

Wisdom

2008-07-31T12:55:00.004-04:00

So, now that I have 4 children I seem to get a lot more interesting comments from people in public. Well, this also begun to happen when I was visibly pg with #4. It's quite interesting the things I hear from people, most positive I guess you could say. Such as the last visit to Emma's eye Dr. where one of the ladies that worked there came over to me, after us having been there awhile asking if they were all mine (dontcha love that one?), after saying yes, she proceeded to tell me I did not look old enough to have them. My reply was 'I certainly am', she then asked my age, and after hearing it, told me I looked 22. BLESS HER! And hey, this was in person! And working in an Eye Dr.'s office I'm assuming her eyes worked at their optimum lol.. or did they? Anyhow I thanked her, being at the point in my life now where I get a little bit knocked down every time the cashier scans my alcoholic beverage purchase without asking me to show ID.

So as we were leaving another woman there tells me I deserve a medal hahaha. I laughed it off, but was a little proud of myself for keeping up with them all.. and somehow keeping my sanity in the process of succeeding at keeping them entertained, and contained, and not breaking a single pair of glasses the entire 2 or so hours we waited. They were pretty good. ;)

Onto my next story which is why I started typing this to begin with. I'm in Walmart, in the cooking utensils section, searching for a particular utensil to make a new recipe. The only other person being down there was an older gentleman also looking for something and also looking quite lost amidst it all. He turned around to look at us and started to walk off down the aisle (I assume giving up in his search) and turned around and came back. He then proceeded to ask me 'are they all yours? or do you have a class?'. There again, I laughed and said yes, they are mine. He was a sweet old man, in his early 70's probably if I had to guess. Very much with it, witty and bright eyed. He looked around at them all and told me I had a 'real good start', and that they were all 'lookers' too hehe. He then proceeded to tell me about his father and then comes the wisdom. I say wisdom, because I really do love to hear from older people. Most often, I come across sweet old people with something meaningful to share. Most of them are drawn to my cute kids, which brings something out in them and will strike a conversation. I love that they have lived so much longer than I, have experience to share and the willingness to still do so. I love the ones that even after all of that, are not bitter and angry (there are plenty of them too). I love that they tell me to appreciate every second with my children because of some rough time in their lives that taught them to do so (I've heard these stories also), and besides the well meaning ones who need to say something either quite obviously outdated or irrelevant to me, like how I need to believe in Jesus or keep my babies feet covered in the dead of summer.. I am all ears from what I can learn from my elders.

This man's wisdom I agreed with. He told me that his father grew up in a house with 5 sisters and a Mother (not quite sure if there was a Dad there, but it didn't sound that way). He said he was SPOILED to no end. He did nothing for himself because they did it all for him, being the only boy and that he grew into a man that could not take care of himself nor his family apparently. He wasn't given the tools to know how to care for himself, let alone someone else. He cautioned me to not spoil my son (Jude, not having seen or paid attention to that Rye was a boy I guess), amid 3 girls (Emma, Elsha and I). He told me, 'make him take out the trash, make him cut the grass!(little does he know Chris is waiting impatiently to pass that job down to Jude lol) 'Raise him into a man that will one day know how to care for a nice lady.' Wow, that man spoke the truth and I have always felt the same way. It's just refreshing to hear it from a man, and a man that age that you would think still held old fashioned beliefs about roles. I told him YES, I most certainly agree and pointed out I also will do the same for his brother. 'No Momma's boys here!', 'Good girl!', he replied. ;)

Let that be a lesson to all of you with sons to raise. I am doing my very best to raise self sufficient men. No reason they can't cook, learn laundry, help look after their younger siblings (in Jude's case), clean up after themselves, know (and use!) manners, treat their Mother with the utmost respect, sisters too. Too many men have I met that fall under this 'Momma's boy' category. Not only do they not know how to treat a woman, they expect a woman to MOTHER them! (this seems to be a universal trait in men) I thought that job was accomplished once? Perhaps in these men it wasn't, and so the duty is passed down to their wives and partners. I don't agree with it, but I realize this is the way that is a lot of times. Men NEED, and women GIVE. I don't think that will ever change, but I think to what degree those things occur can be controlled. I'll do my best, as I'm sure most Moms do. Whether we succeed or fail being evident in time.

Funny, the thoughts a Walmart trip can provoke eh?

A life free of cell phone

2008-07-28T21:42:00.005-04:00

Hurray, I am free! I have never been without a cell phone since geez, I can't remember. But I finally cancelled T-Mobile. Did I mention in my last post that I LOATHE Tmobile?????????? I do, I LOATHE them. I can't even get into the problems I've had with them, they are numerous. I cancelled them today and will hopefully be getting a new phone with a new carrier next wknd.

Just weird to have no phone. It's like another appendage and without it, I feel a strange sense of freedom. Perhaps a bit uneasy and a bit new in feeling. But eh, I'll enjoy hiding from the world.
That is always fun. ;)

I daydream of living a life of simplicty. Of living close to no one. Growing our own food, having a farm and just living off the land. Having only what is necessity and enjoying LIFE for what it is.

This is not a daydream because I honestly do miss my cell phone lol. I don't talk on it much but I am a texting fiend okay I admit. "Hello, I'm Kristina and I'm addicted to texting", I certainly am.

But one day I'm gonna live on a farm, with a wicked cool cell phone with great text messaging capabilities. Teehee.

All things good (and yummy)

2008-07-26T22:30:00.008-04:00

Mmmm, bread. One of my new favorite things, though I'm sure it doesn't agree with my whole weightloss goal, haha. I never used to like bread until I started making it. I should say, it didn't like me.. not that it does now..well I mean I can't seem to NOT eat it, BUT, everything in moderation as they say. That's my motto anyhow. ;)

And these are my food critics (Emma doesn't really get a choice, she has to eat what I make and well Rye doesn't yet get to indulge). The cookies passed with flying colors, as did the bread, at least for Jude. Elsha is and has always been anti-bread (like her Momma I guess but for different reasons). The smiles and 'thank yous' make a Momma feel good, and all worth it even if I hated doing it (but too late, I love it). =)

Updating

2008-07-24T21:33:00.009-04:00

for the sake of updating. I don't think anyone cares and in fact, I don't know that anyone even reads this which is the reason I stopped blogging on it 2 years ago. I guess I accomplish the same thing when I talk to myself around the house huh? Don't worry, I'll answer that, "yes, pretty much".

"How am I doing lately?" Me? Oh, I'm fine, wait I'm not fine. I'm tired, I'm angry.. well I was angry today (T mobile is a JOKE)and being that frustrated and angry, made me shake with anger and frustration, then crash from exhaustion. They ruined my day yup, but in the end it worked out.. as best it can, still not perfect. (I hate T mobile)...

I tend to ramble
But I'm uhh.. fine, yes."

We're broke, times are stressful. Emma is back in school so we are back to a schedule.. and even on days we aren't, we still have to be. Afternoons go by fast and evenings are very long. I'm tired. I want to have money again. I want to not worry about money. I want to just be happy and enjoy my children and life, and not have the worry of money ruining my life. It feels like and I'm almost convinced we have it worse than anyone else I know, or know of. I would like a break from all the crap that is constantly bombarding our life. I am sick and tired of it, and I want a break. WE deserve a break. We are not selfish people. We do not seek riches. We do not seek luxury. All we want is to pay our bills, keep food in the house, keep our house in one piece and our animals fed. Why is that so much to ask. We don't go spending large amounts of money. Buying things we don't NEED. But this is no way to live, it's just not.

In an attempt to lift my mood and try to find ways to save us money, I have started to cook and bake. I've started baking bread so we can stop buying it. I've been making the kids cookies (I have bred small cookie monsters if you didn't know), started to use my slow cooker for recipes for dinners, and freeze the excess. I am starting slow, but hope to just pick up experience and speed. Everyone here loves the bread, they love the cookies.. the dinners are questionable but that is because A. they contain veggies or B. they contain beans.. 3 out of the 5 people here eating solid foods (okay REAL solid foods) having an issue with that. But, they will eventually suck it up because buying prepared food is just not affordable for us anymore. Not with a few kids that are just eating more as they all get bigger. Heck even this sizeable (so he was referred to at birth) 7 month old of mine is eating through the baby food at an impressive speed. I also plan to start making baby food as soon as I can get a handle on all this other preparing of food.

It's been very good for me mentally though and I feel a bit less stressed and happier doing these things. I'm really getting into it! I did it a lot when I was just a teen so it's been quite a few years. I always enjoyed it but lost the time for it. I'm now finding the time and it's been quite rewarding. I may post some recipes here I find yummy when I get around to doing that. We'll have to see.

Enough of this though, no one is reading remember? "oh yeah, that's right, I remember."

MOM!

2008-07-22T10:07:00.005-04:00

"Please put Mr. Potato Head's butt back on!!"

This is why I love having children. Just when you think your life is kinda mundane (though it certainly never is), and in such a routine that you could do it with your eyes closed, hands tied behind your back and even in your sleep.. it's these comments from your children that make you realize how good you've really got it, and why your life is better than anyone else's you know (eventhough they have their own cute mutterings going on, you're sure they aren't as cute.)

I am also told that I am 'deautiful' and that I 'snell good' almost on a daily basis. You haven't been melted like that with those words (or the other translation) until you hear them from your child. No man possesses the power to soften your heart the way your child can, trust me.

I will cherish nothing as much as being a mother. =)

U li he li s d tsa de ti ya

2008-07-21T16:56:00.007-04:00

Me and Jeni go together like peas and carrots.

That was especially for you. ;) Happy Birthday to one of my most bestest friends on earf. **SMILE** it's a wonderful day.

!!!!!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Space to think

2008-07-10T21:32:00.007-04:00

I've never really liked it because I start thinking of things that bother me, which in turn creates that deep ache inside, somewhere between your chest and your stomach. Each time I think, it hurts. I wondered the other day as I was thinking about someone I know that is traveling down a road of loss , how grief actually causes physical pain and how interesting that is. I remember my grief well, I remember how it felt, how it ached, how it burned at the slightest thought that made it return.

But this post isn't about grief. I've had my share of that. It's about a loss of sorts I guess without sounding too dramatic. My heart doesn't know the difference between the two.. just that it misses.. and the missing hurts, the absence hurts, the space hurts. Sometimes things about life just suck huh.

Happy 14th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-08T00:02:00.001-04:00

A very happy birthday wish goes out to BRAD!!!!!! You are getting to be a 'real' teenager now! hehe. Keep being the wonderful boy that you are. =)

-Hugs from Auntie Kristina

Happy Happy

2008-07-04T16:19:00.009-04:00

Fourth of July to all of you! We are just hanging around the house today. Chris got some fire crackers for the kids and him to play with, and they did that a good part of the morning. I did my first one ever in life too! lol. The things you throw down that pop? Yeah I did two of those hehe. That's right, I'm 31 years old and this is my first time ever holding a fire cracker. I felt like a kid again. The kids also had fun experiencing them for the first time too! It's getting ready to storm in lovely Florida and ruin all of our fun, but sitting inside on the 4th with a Long Island iced tea ain't that bad. ;)

May you all have a very fun and SAFE holiday weekend!

5 years ago today

2008-07-03T10:53:00.006-04:00

I met Chris for the first time in person. We met on a dating site of all places! Neither of us were really on there for anything but for fun. Oh a whim one day I decided to message him because his profile made me crack up. He didn't sound at all like your average guy, wasn't doing the whole romantic line, wasn't trying to make himself sound like something he was not. In fact, knowing him now I'd say he was just being himself- it was a totally corny and dorky profile. ;) Despite the fact he was located in Kansas I felt I had to message him anyway and thought who knows.. Kansas really isn't that far is it? I've never been good at geography. We talked over a period of about 3 years online, off and on, before him deciding to drive down one 4th of July weekend and meet me. We connected the moment we hugged each other and have been together ever since.

We have been through many a tough times, and I'm sure many more lay ahead for us. We have made ourselves quite the family and have both changed a lot- him more so than me. What was the free spirited party type guy that drove down here, has turned into the funny faces, funny noises, sippy cup filling, teeth brushing, putting kids to bed, children loving, falling asleep on the recliner at 9 at night- Dad that he is today.

We don't always get a long that's for sure. We disagree on most things actually lol. But the real arguments have been few and far between- which is not the norm in my relationships! We can agree to disagree. We can argue and get over it. We can be mad and then start laughing at each other and realize it's not gonna change the foundation that makes us, us. We seem to have a real balance going, despite the imbalance my life seems to have most days. If it weren't for him, things around here would be left unfixed, the kids toys, not assembled, all the little things I hate doing or won't even try to do, that is where his strength lies and thank God! I keep the house running in many different ways. I am a strong woman. I have been through more than most of you are aware of, or will go through and at such a young age, in such a short span of time. I've gained worlds of life experience in the blink of an eye. I know I can get through anything because of this. But sometimes, I misjudge my strength. Often times, most times.. I push him away because I feel like I don't need anyone at all for anything.. going back to the tough stuff I've been through. But there again, I worry.. and my worrying makes me realize how weak I really am.

The other day Chris left to the store and I thought he was making one stop and coming right back. I was busy and caught up not realizing the time. When I did I felt like it had been too long since he left. I looked at the counter where I remember seeing his phone and it was still there. It's not often he's left his phone on mistake. I then started to get really worried (I worry a lot remember?). All kinds of stuff started going through my head (nothing positive). I've lost a lot of people in my life so my head naturally zeros in on morbidity. I started thinking of all the things that would change if he never came home. What would I tell the kids, they love their Daddy more than anything in their world (well besides Momma hehe). What would I do without him and all his faults, and his quirks and his sloppiness and the way he can't ever put anything back where he got it from. The way he manages to fill not only the sink but the counter tops with crumbs when he makes toast for Jude in the mornings. The way he can't seem to shut his sock drawer or put his laundry away for 2 weeks. The way the mail organizer is overflowing because he's too lazy to go through it on a regular basis. The way his tools and crap is never organized enough for me to find a single working screwdriver. The way his clothes stink of cars no matter how many times I wash them. What would I do without that all? And suddenly it dawned on me how much I would miss all those things that bother me. Strange to think about huh?

It also dawned on me how much this man tells me he loves me ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time. How I can't count the number of times in a day EVERY day that he tells me I am beautiful, hot (this is one I don't like to hear but he won't stop saying), cute, wonderful, and many other compliments about other things. I have never had a relationship where I heard this kind of stuff on such a regular basis. The average woman would probably eat it up, but I am not your average woman. I don't like compliments, especially when I don't feel like I am any of those things, and liking myself most days is a struggle. It is a good feeling to know someone else thinks you are the moment you wake up, when your hair is sticking up all over the place and your teeth aren't brushed yet. It is a good feeling to know he could never find another woman to be a better mother to our children (okay so I DO know that one;)). All too often I take these things for granted, because they are always there. I need to stop doing that, because one day they won't be.

Happy Anniversary to us. This is the longest relationship we've ever both been in. But 3 kids, our first home and many moments later, it certainly hasn't been boring. I'm not sure what surprises lay ahead, but I hope the years will only lend to our strength.

4 years ago today

2008-07-02T14:15:00.009-04:00

I had my first boy. I was above the clouds at the thought of having a son. It was the most exciting time preparing for his arrival, buying BOY clothes, swimming in BOY colors, going to have a tiny life in my arms again after 6 years. Jude's birth was not ideal, thanks to a moronic doctor. It was the only birth out of the 4 with negative emotions attached to it- which I hate but it's true. Because of this, it was an extrememly long, painful, and exhausting labor. I wasn't allowed to labor like I wanted to, felt I needed to and just had people around me (Dr's, nurses, etc)
that were not uplifting to a laboring woman. I still remember it like it was not so much in the distant past. I still remember how I felt like I had been run over by a semi truck after he was born. I still remember feeling like I never, ever wanted to go through that again- ever! And SO glad it was OVER, the contractions wouldn't come back! I did not bounce back after that pregnancy very easily. Jude made it all worth it. He was more than I could have imagined.. cuter than I ever pictured he would be, and has just gotten cuter by the day ever since, for 4 years.

I have a hard time looking at that 4.. it stings a bit and brings about all kinds of emotions for me but most of all excitement (some fear) for what's ahead. The 3's were trying! That is an understatment. The start of the 4's, also challenging, but I think we are on the way out of a harder time, into more fun and interesting times ahead.

Jude is a remarkable child. He struggles with his words still, but he has come so far. He is the most sensitive, affectionate, and compassionate little boy. He is a better big brother than I dreamed he would be. Everything is about his baby brother and he is no less excited about him being here now, than he was the day I brought him home. I could go on about him all day if ya let me, so I'll save that for his website I guess.

It's a happy day for me intertwined with a bit of sadness, as always. I'm sure some cake later today will make that all better lol.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will always love you like no one else can.

A day with the mouse

2008-06-29T21:52:00.011-04:00

Okay, so you were thinking Disney right? FOR SHAME! I don't believe in Disney. ;) Today was Jude's birthday celebration (his actual bday will be Wednesday the 2nd) at Chuckie Cheese, for the 2nd year. We have made this a new tradition (traditions excite me SO much that I am starting all kinds for my kids, because I didn't have them growing up). My Momma and Sissy were able to come out and join us there too, just like last year! It was SOOO much fun!!!!!! I hope you guys all had fun too! It was a bit hectic at times, with so many parties scheduled today,.. all the person on the loud speaker crap, the birthday dance crap that I could die a happy woman tomorrow having never heard it again! We don't do the 'party reservation' thingy. We just go, eat pizza, play games and buy cheesy ( no pun intended) stuff that's not worth the tickets lol. But the kids have a blast, the adults too and it's a lot of fun all around! Rye did not appreciate the noise and lights, and honestly seemed just downright scared.. so he was held a lot when he wasn't napping. So strange to think about this time just last year, being 4-5 mos pregnant with him at the time.

I had an idea to dress us all in the same color so we would be easy to spot, should some little midget slip away as they tend to do.. oh and make finding Chris easier too.. as he likes to run off and turn into a boy now and again.

My orange gang minus one (the one being DIFFICULT and having a tantrum)

Classic picture taking fun with toddlers (preschoolers, infants and preteens?)

I gave up again

2 of my orange men and littlest lady

My momma holdin' da baby

Rye yackin' away to my sissy

Emma stuck in the cage hehe

Again, Thank you SO much to my family for coming out. Thanks to Gina who got right off of her plane and came straight over, and for my Momma for driving them both. And thank you for all the cute clothes for the kids!! I love you.

How do you love?

2008-06-27T12:26:00.010-04:00

I've reached a point in my life where I reflect back often, on the years of my life up until now, and alot about the future (before I get so depressed about it, I make myself stop). I have always felt I've loved hard. I've often been told I am 'too nice' to people. I have been walked on, taken advantage of, and my heart bruised too many times to count. Do I still love hard? Yep. Do I change how I act toward those that I love that have hurt me? No. And my love never changes either. Despite the circumstance, despite the years, it is unwavering. It would seem that would be a good thing, a good quality, a human quality and one every person on this earth could use. But where has it gotten me? It never stops hurting me. It hurts more to see all the people that can't or won't do this, whether it be in return or to others in this world. It is disappointing to look around and feel you don't belong here, that you think too much and too deep for the world you live in and the people that live in your own. I think I think too much. I think I take everything more serious than it should be. I know more people that act like life is just a comical temporary existence and don't look for the deeper meaning in anything. I've never been that way, ever since I was a child. I've also been told I am 'too serious'. But I guess that goes along with everything I just stated I am and why.

The only good thing that has come of being who I am, feeling how I feel, and loving like I do is that I feel like I'm a good person for it. As cliche as that sounds. I might say some bad words on occasion, I might lose my patience, I might yell a lot when I've lost my patience and no one seems to hear me! I might not go to church and even believe in 'religion'. But I believe there is a God. I might have my own mind and do what I know is best despite what someone tells me it is. I might love without bounds and fall hard and do it again. But, at the end of the day I still feel like a good person, because of what's at the core. And I think your core, is what makes everything. If the core of you is no good, what does it matter how you 'appear' to other people? What is it all even for?

That verse in the bible about love has always stuck with me, and been one of my favorite things to read. If you take it apart word for word and really look at the meaning of it, how many people do you know that love this way? And how simple things could be if we all could. The only person I have ever felt loved this way, are my children. I think all people start out this way, and somewhere along the lines of growing up, relearn it all while getting screwed up through different experiences and become selfish. It must be a rare and lucky few of us, that can forgive, see the reality in situations, and keep loving despite them. Maybe if I could live where others loved this way, I would feel it too.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Orange juice?

2008-06-27T11:47:00.007-04:00

Okay well maybe not today, or tomorrow.. or 6 months from now, ..or in a year from now, but maybe one day I hope! This is our new tree friend, you guessed it- an orange tree! This was given to us by my friend Lisa who is doing some additions to her house, and this little bugger needed to go away. It's a bit beat up from being ripped out of the ground and put into a truck with a backhoe, so we need to paint it's bare patches of bark and give it some extra tlc for awhile. I really hope it makes it. Emma and Chris took off as much fruit as they could get to, to try to get it to concentrate on rooting. As you can see, it's in a state of shock which is apparently normal from what I've read. I hope it will start thriving one day soon, and I can post pics of when it looks nice and green again! It also makes the most awesome oranges I've ever had! So, hopefully in time it will fruit again too. I'm excited!

While I was photographing that one I also took a pic of our little Pin Oak that was just a scrawny, baby twig when we moved here ( 2 yrs ago). My how it has taken off!! We can see it over the top of the house from the front yard.

1 year (and one baby) later

2008-06-24T13:51:00.004-04:00

I'm bringing this blog back to life, what ya know. Why you may ask, but you're so boring, nothing really happens in your life that anyone wants to hear about, much less read about. Well, the answer to that is, for my own benefit. And if there is a single person out there that cares enough about me, they will be interested, that's why. ;) And because I've discovered at times, little moments I have where my identity is revealed to me. The identity of ME, rather than the Mom I am 24 hrs of every day. I love that role, I revel in it, I would never change it for anything the world could offer me. But sometimes, when I'm all alone with my thoughts , I get flashbacks of what it felt like to know Kristina and to be be someone besides always having thoughts for everyone else in my life. I like to think back like that sometimes, because it gives my ever so overfilled brain with a little reprieve for a moment. I can breathe a new breath for a moment and feel a little lifted, if that makes any sense. To any moms reading, I'm sure you can understand completely. I think in order to truly spend any real amount of time on myself, I'd have to relearn that, and now with children, my identity has forever changed and I won't get that opportunity, which is fine by me. So, even if I try, I find it impossible to stay on the task of thinking about me in regards to anything. I'm sure I'll do a lot of talking about my kids, because they are the only things that truly matter. Not everything will be important. I just like to have a place to type out my thoughts and ramble as I please. I don't really have anyone, I feel like that cares to hear all the unimportant details of me. So, I'll talk to the computer who won't respond (as I'm quite used to), but it helps nonetheless.

Now, on with it.

A decade gone by

2007-04-30T12:29:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe but I guess sooner or later I have to accept it because I can't change it. I am a year older and have entered another decade of my life, gosh as if I didn't feel old enough already. Thinking back on things though, this is what I realized and if I didn't enter this new decade, I would have never even thought of it this way. 10 years is a long time, any way you look at it but I have lived an entire lifetime in only 10 short years. I learned how to drive. I fell in love, married my first love. I've been through what would be the darkest times of my life. Death entered my life again on several occasions. I've met many people. Made many friends, and loves. Lost many friends, and loves. I've given birth to 3 children. I've gained all of my life experience in this short time. So really, ..it's not so bad.

And it's really quite crazy when I think back on it all. What seems like ages and ages, ions ago- really isn't. Hard to believe all that can happen in just 10 years. And has hard as times have been, in there, scattered throughout ..the end made it all worth it. All I can hope for is that I fair as well in the next ten. Many more suprises await me and I pray, fewer heartaches.

A very special day

2007-04-25T13:04:00.001-04:00

Your birthday came and passed. It was painful, moreso than I anticipated but I made it through. I am trying to be happy about moving onto new experiences and milestones but you are reaching them so quickly, too quick for your Momma to catch up. Maybe I went a little overboard with the DHA when I was pregnant. ;) I love you Goose, and those words pale in comparison to what I feel when I think of you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I'm the luckiest Mommy in the world and your remind me of that daily.

You're birthday is nearing

2007-04-20T22:19:00.000-04:00

Chosen by beauty to be a handmaiden of the stars, she passes like a silver brush across the lens of a telescope. She brushes the stars, the galaxies and the light-years into the order that we know them.

In the beginning..

2007-04-20T20:49:00.000-04:00

I've tried this once before and found it extrememly boring to blab on about myself, so I ended it and never looked back. More than a year later, I'm trying it again. I have much in my life more exciting than myself to write about so here it is again.. MY B L O G- never liked that word.