I've had a life by no means easy, by no means without heartache, without heart wrenching, mind numbing pain.. many years of it actually.. not without those things, that is. I once had a close co-worker tell me (the day I was to find out my husband was killed in a car accident) that because I had had SO much turmoil for so long, that there was to come a time when I would be able to be peaceful and to live without this all, and my hard times were soon to come to an end and I would have the happiness I deserved. She was right. After a time of much much more stress, in a variety of areas,.. I found Chris and we have since have created 3 blessings (in the way of children), and after today, that is all I can think of that has been positive in my life in the last 8 years. After some (not a whole lot) thought, I am wondering about this.. I haven't taken the thoughts very far because to be honest, I am drained emotionally these days and I don't have it in me. But nonetheless it's interesting that the only things that have brought me any sort of peace and happiness and positivity and light in this world in EIGHT whole years, have been children.. no wonder I keep wanting them ha.. nothing else GOOD happens in my life! I mean sure, little things .. but nothing I can write home about and say WOW, things are really turning around for me/us, no.
Point being, I am quickly losing hope about our life ever getting easier, less stressful or less ANYTHING bad. If I was a religious person, this is right about the time I would be losing all faith in God and look like the fool who puts all his belief in him, only to be let down and made to look like I am holding on to a God who does not take care of me.
THAT I often think of but again, let it go because well.. I am far too busy to linger on these details. Life sucks, but it never slows down. Kids never stop needing to get shuttled here and there, need juice and cereal and milk and cookies and toys and crayons, and school stuff and pictures, field trips.. science lab lists, club actitivites, meetings and conferences, parties, donations, GAS to reach all these destinations. This is just part of what distracts my head on a partial daily basis. The rest is what I'm not currently producing brain activity in... it will come to me again and soon.
It is true we are still here, most of us are healthy (I on the other hand am a mess but will never be able to afford insurance to get to any Dr's), and most definitely kicking, albeit out of a sheer fit from being mad at life, and not so much feeling strong anymore. I have been beaten down by life and I don't know how much longer I am going to mentally hold up. I have been the glue that holds us together in many ways and if I can't keep doing that, then where will we be? Unfortunately faith doesn't put food on our shelves and keep our electricity on, it doesn't pay our mortgage so we can keep the roof that we've grown out of, over our heads. It does not put gas in my car, or at least since Chris is the one with this so called 'faith' it hasn't put gas in his. It sounds good when people say it, and almost convincing for the one with a desperate heart. I am desperate, I have been there and when I was, faith got me nowhere. Today I have the internet and the kids are fed and we still have our house that is far too small yet Chris is killing himself to try to pay for, but no one can tell us what next week will bring. Our life has no security in any area, and I'm tired of living this way. And in the meantime I'm trying to fgure out at what point in time we did something so wrong, immoral or unjust as to be paying the price for this long.
So if there is a God, shine a little light down on us and show us you're there. I've only ever tried to be a good person and do right by others, take care of my own and anyone else I can, even if it means not taking care of me. I want to enjoy my children while they are children and not be sick to my stomach every day because something else is falling down around us, I don't want to grow old this way. It's obvious the control is no longer ours, if it ever was..
and I'm waiting for a lifeline.. .
..
For you, there'll be no more crying For you, the sun will be shining
My Blog List
Thoughts not put into words
Lay bruised.
My greatest accomplishment
The 2nd thing I prayed for
The 3rd thing I've done well
The 4th best piece of me
basic elements
- momma2countless
- I am MOM. I drive the "big blue cah" AKA: a MOM van. I feel older than dirt. I have 4 blessings that take every last drop of energy my body can produce, and leave my soul overflowing.
music to live by
2 comments:
Darling, I am right there with you in every aspect of life! I have health problems, and we have no money. We will probably lose our house soon. The internet and cable are already gone.
Faith is surely a tricky thing. Somehow even though life is rougher than I could describe right now, I can still feel faith inside of me somewhere. I know without it, I would not have the drive to make things better.
I love you and know you are not alone!
I understand what you're going through. I don't know if Chris has talked about the many years following the death of my parents and the difficulties we had as a family. My pain was different, but no less. I thought I had reached a breaking point after watching my parents suffer from cancer. When they died, I was devastated. I felt alone in the world. Somehow I made it through. There was really no choice. I wouldn't have made it if it weren't for the gift of faith in my life. My stress stretched from the time I was pregnant with Kerri until just recently-over 20 yrs. I do believe God only gives us what we can handle. Just remember that no matter what happens, you always have a place with us and you always have your 4 beautiful children. They don't need things, they just need you. I have faith that just when you think you can't take anymore, you too will find that same strength. Believe it or not, life will get better....someday. Much love!
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