ive come to the realization i need medical help for my depression. problem? i have no insurance, no money to buy insurance and of course no money to see a dr without insurance. see that cycle? that is how everything in my life runs, in that damn circle.
apparently the governor here has passed a new low cost health ins plan that should take effect the beginning of next year. how or when i will be able to apply for it is a mystery, but im waiting.
i can no longer carry this burden around with me anymore and function as a mother.. let alone just a normal functioning adult. all i do in life anymore is go through the motions, i don't enjoy it, i dont enjoy much of anything, yet i can fight back the tears at all the things that could be better, and refuse to get that way. sure, i have good days. they last usually an entire day and then i have a couple really bad ones to follow it. those good days, i have energy, i feel a sense of optimism yet have no tangible reason for it, it's just that i wake up that way. the rest of the week is more of the bad stuff. i wake up, i hit repeat and i begin the daily struggle that is my life. i dont want to live this way anymore, because im missing out on daily miracles which are my kids. ive tried and tried and i cannot get out of this rut for any length of time to get any clarity or any mental strength to get even a few steps higher than where i am.
its not easy being a mom, but it shouldnt be this hard. its this hard because i have no patience, my nerves are shot, my head is thinking on how we are going to get to next week so i cant even enjoy the moment for what it is- even thought that is all any of us really have. i can no longer be happy for anyone else that has good things in their life. i spend my time feeling envious of them, because everything about my life has to just suck so much. its been this way for so long! this isnt like a couple bad months. between carrying the weight of money issues, health issues i cannot address because i dont know what they are past knowing something isn't right.. battling the health issues, battling the anxiety eating at me and the depression. i dont even have time to get to just being a good mom, taking care of the house, all the freaking animals i wish we didnt have, and that add greatly to my load of daily work. i want to hide but i cant. i want to run away from everyone, but i cant. most days i feel completely alone and without hope, no light waiting for me at the end of a hard day- nothingness. this feeling scares me because it makes me not want to keep trying, yet i will keep trying because my kids need me.. but feeling that way, just makes me cry. unless youve been where i am, you will not understand why you cant just chin up, look at the good stuff youve got and shake it off. no, when you can't find the ways in which to do that, you are left floundering all by yourself. i dont have a support system, i dont have real friends that i can reach out to or hug or go sit and have a talk with. and i think being 31 without friends is highly abnormal really, but it is what it is. chris tells me i am not alone, he will always be here with me, and yes i know he will.. but it's not the same. i am grateful for him yes, and he could very well end up being my best friend because i don't have much else besides our kids. but as most women know, having even one woman in your life to be by your side, understand things the men in our lives dont, there's no replicating it. and oddly enough, on my very worst of days, it seems no one i try to talk to is on the other end. i dont know what that should tell me, or shouldnt tell me. it just makes the pit in my gut deeper.
i do want to reach out but there is nothing to reach out for, so i find myself going inward again. i briefly researched st johns wort last night and i am going to start taking it, in hopes it helps in some way. ive always been prone to depression my entire life. i suffered from PPD after i had emma. i went to the dr then and at that time, they wouldn't give me anything while nursing, even st johns wort so i just went home and sucked it up. i was so scared i would have it worse with the other kids but it wasn't bad at all. i had a hard time after elsha but i got out of it. alot of is due to the circumstances in our life that are unchanging i know, and some of it maybe is not, i really have no way of knowing. i just want to be happy and there is no magic pill for that i am well aware. i have the tools to get through many things that have been and could be thrown at me, but i guess i am just tired, im tired of fighting it all or maybe ive exhausted all that strength i once had, i have no answers.
am i grateful for what i DO have? dont even think for a second i do not know what i have that is good.. my kids come to mind first and their health. i KNOW there are people worse off than i am. people that are homeless, or dying or their kids are ill come to mind. i am grateful we still have a roof even if it is far too small, but it doesnt take away that i am pissed off about everything else. and i dont think its fair to ask me not to be either. i dont need the pep talks, because believe you me, when my life didnt suck as bad, i gave a mean pep talk too. come talk to me when your life has been turned upside down and you have no security in anything. when everything youve looked forward to, worked towards or wanted was nothing more than smoke in mirrors. come talk to me then and tell me how you got through it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
happy happy turkey day (except for the turkey)
2 days ago our usual thanksgiving plans changed, and we decided on a whim to do it here with our quaint family. ;) so for the first time EVER in all my 31 yrs, we had a thanksgiving at home. it was stressful at first and i thought everything would go wrong, but in the end it was so much fun! and even better, the food rocked! chris made our turkey and besides a little help from mrs. stove top by way of cornbread stuffing, i made the rest. =) i just wish the kids liked to eat.. because well, besides the bread product, they did not. i am looking forward to doing this again. i don't know that this will become the tradition here.. because we do like to go to Nana's house but this year it was not at her house. that is where i've gone for the last hmm like 11 years so it was sad to break the streak but it also felt good to have something special, that we worked hard on for just our family.
a table would have made it perfect and i have it in my head to somehow, some way get one because i really want to eat as a family EVERY night. but as most of you know, the 'dining room' doesn't really exist even without the giant dog crates in the way. BUT, we could make it work... i think. anyhow, just something else to work on, cause i really want it! (which means i will most likely get it, somehow, some way ;))
i had to take pics of our first thanksgiving meal as a family of 6. once i have 3 more kids actually EATING, this may get more difficult!
i hope you had a wonderful day and meal with those that you love.
i hope you had a wonderful day and meal with those that you love.
crock pot garlic smashed taters!
dinner rolls (dough by way of my snazzy bread machine!)these are sooooooooo good. i will be making them lots!
turkae (only had a very small piece ha, me and meat aren't close)
pumpkin cream cheese pie! (again, i tasted it and it is AWESOME), i need to eat a whole piece already!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
umm
Who says I wanna? Cause if you're asking and not just assuming... assuming there is a heaven, I don't.
I will be most happy living a fulfilling life and dying a peaceful death when my time is up. If you know where I live, please don't come to my door. =)
These people should be fined for wasting paper.
;)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
i'm getting good at appreciating
remember when i said i was grateful for the goodwill that opened back up? were you paying attention? so, my friend and i went on down there sunday to look for dress up things for one of el's xmas gifts. well, we didn't find anything for that.. and as a sidenote, apparently in this economy crisis even the thrift stores have raised their prices, i'm seriously digusted at the price of VERY USED AND ABUSED clothing. now $4 for a kids outfit or shirt or whatever might be cheap to YOU, but for us cheap folks stretching a penny, that is NOT a bargain for something that is decent enough to play in the backyard. i buy 99% of my kid's clothes on clearance at target or walmart (if necessary), and i do not spend that much for NEW clothes! i'm truly apalled and needless to say, will not be shopping there for that kind of thing. nothing i saw was a bargain really.. well except THIS!
So i walked out of there completely elated that after all my hoping for a bread machine, i finally found one in my budget and in such good shape. i had gotten one off of freecycle the week before and wow, that thing needed to retire.. so it did, to my curb. this new baby looked almost brand new if not for some tarnishing on the stainless which i cleaned up as best i could. the inside is flawless, it had a window and a timer which the other didn't and that i wanted in a machine, and also makes a 2 lb loaf that we need with this bread inhaling family i call my own. i tested it out yesterday and it did an EXCELLENT job. everyone loved the bread! even baby rye who sat making his yummy eating sounds 'mm mmm mm' while looking around for more toast. i am more excited that i spent $5.99 and this is going to save us alot of money on bread!!!!!!!!!
sometimes things work out.. it doesn't happen often for me/us so i guess in a way, im blessed because when they do, i am more grateful than someone would be who always has things go right.
So i walked out of there completely elated that after all my hoping for a bread machine, i finally found one in my budget and in such good shape. i had gotten one off of freecycle the week before and wow, that thing needed to retire.. so it did, to my curb. this new baby looked almost brand new if not for some tarnishing on the stainless which i cleaned up as best i could. the inside is flawless, it had a window and a timer which the other didn't and that i wanted in a machine, and also makes a 2 lb loaf that we need with this bread inhaling family i call my own. i tested it out yesterday and it did an EXCELLENT job. everyone loved the bread! even baby rye who sat making his yummy eating sounds 'mm mmm mm' while looking around for more toast. i am more excited that i spent $5.99 and this is going to save us alot of money on bread!!!!!!!!!
sometimes things work out.. it doesn't happen often for me/us so i guess in a way, im blessed because when they do, i am more grateful than someone would be who always has things go right.
grateful day 2
yea so i skipped a few days, life is busy HAHA, thats the understatement.
1. im grateful gas prices continue to decrease.. although one still needs $ to put said cheap gas into one's vehicle, darn.
2. im grateful i've lost a couple more pounds, because that at least means i'm not too old and my metabolism hasn't crapped out on me- yet. though my milk supply is not happy with this.. so i am trying to eat more.
3. i'm grateful that even though all 4 of my kids are sick (AGAIN), chris too.. i'm not- yet.
4. im grateful it's getting cold in florida because cold makes me think of happier times.
1. im grateful gas prices continue to decrease.. although one still needs $ to put said cheap gas into one's vehicle, darn.
2. im grateful i've lost a couple more pounds, because that at least means i'm not too old and my metabolism hasn't crapped out on me- yet. though my milk supply is not happy with this.. so i am trying to eat more.
3. i'm grateful that even though all 4 of my kids are sick (AGAIN), chris too.. i'm not- yet.
4. im grateful it's getting cold in florida because cold makes me think of happier times.
i need to begin with a vent before i get to being grateful.
as you know times are tough. you know times are tough when your husband/fiance/partner/boyfriend person spends any free time applying at every place he drives by or can find online with an application, does this for months on end and yet hears nothing. you know times are tough when your last resort is to apply to work at mcdonalds and yet still, you hear nothing. when you can't get a job at mcdonalds, you know the world is in bad shape. chris is depressed and most of the time he hides it well, heck we are all depressed. but it's very hard to keep myself going let alone lift up someone else.. when i dont even know how on earth im supposed to. i tried the, 'well, thinking negatively isnt helping either but its just making everyone around you miserable so why not think positively', yea, well that doesnt help me either but i still say it to him. then the 'things have to get better- eventually'. what is that really? i mean its just empty words with an unknown amount of truth. trying as you might is not going to pay our bills! and they dont care that no one wants to buy cars and put stuff in cars and spend their $ on anything that is going to help chris make money so we can pay them. so now what? we don't have any answers at all. and that is a very hopeless feeling. hopelessness is one of the worst feelings to experience besides loss. .. which also contains a degree of hopelessness and loss of control in everything you know. i like nothing about any of those things and it's enough to eat you away to the point it ultimately, somewhere down that road of hopelessness.. will kill you.
so i'll start by saying if you are lucky enough to be able to continue to pay your mortgages, feed your kids and all those basic necessities we should all have the means of doing.. better yet if you have any extra money to pay for things you dont NEED to survive... then get down on your knees and thank your god, because you may not be able to tomorrow. easy to slip into a permanant way of thinking when things are going well. but it can all be taken in a moments time just like it was for us.
we are staying strong as a unit despite. when life is at it's worst, we seem to just get better growing together for the same goal. i guess that is a positive thing. and we both believe that yes, everything does have it's reason for happening, regardless of how tragic the event.. you find out why in time. so we fall back on that often and have seen it play out right in front of our eyes.
i can still find things i am grateful for
but i am no less scared of our reality.
as you know times are tough. you know times are tough when your husband/fiance/partner/boyfriend person spends any free time applying at every place he drives by or can find online with an application, does this for months on end and yet hears nothing. you know times are tough when your last resort is to apply to work at mcdonalds and yet still, you hear nothing. when you can't get a job at mcdonalds, you know the world is in bad shape. chris is depressed and most of the time he hides it well, heck we are all depressed. but it's very hard to keep myself going let alone lift up someone else.. when i dont even know how on earth im supposed to. i tried the, 'well, thinking negatively isnt helping either but its just making everyone around you miserable so why not think positively', yea, well that doesnt help me either but i still say it to him. then the 'things have to get better- eventually'. what is that really? i mean its just empty words with an unknown amount of truth. trying as you might is not going to pay our bills! and they dont care that no one wants to buy cars and put stuff in cars and spend their $ on anything that is going to help chris make money so we can pay them. so now what? we don't have any answers at all. and that is a very hopeless feeling. hopelessness is one of the worst feelings to experience besides loss. .. which also contains a degree of hopelessness and loss of control in everything you know. i like nothing about any of those things and it's enough to eat you away to the point it ultimately, somewhere down that road of hopelessness.. will kill you.
so i'll start by saying if you are lucky enough to be able to continue to pay your mortgages, feed your kids and all those basic necessities we should all have the means of doing.. better yet if you have any extra money to pay for things you dont NEED to survive... then get down on your knees and thank your god, because you may not be able to tomorrow. easy to slip into a permanant way of thinking when things are going well. but it can all be taken in a moments time just like it was for us.
we are staying strong as a unit despite. when life is at it's worst, we seem to just get better growing together for the same goal. i guess that is a positive thing. and we both believe that yes, everything does have it's reason for happening, regardless of how tragic the event.. you find out why in time. so we fall back on that often and have seen it play out right in front of our eyes.
i can still find things i am grateful for
but i am no less scared of our reality.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The last launch
Or so they say. They've scrubbed the shuttle program here in FL, which could spell disaster for the economy here if this new thing in the works doesn't pan out. Just what we need, more bad news!
Anyhow, Jude thinks rockets are cool so we stepped outside to watch this possibly historic moment. Oh and Emma's school was chosen out of our county to send all the kid's signatures up with it. So that's kinda neat too. =)
Anyhow, Jude thinks rockets are cool so we stepped outside to watch this possibly historic moment. Oh and Emma's school was chosen out of our county to send all the kid's signatures up with it. So that's kinda neat too. =)
All is not lost
because of my mental state as of late, i have decided that i NEED to force myself into thinking positively, even if for a brief moment each day and this is why i will start posting each day what i am grateful for that day or that moment. i know i talk about a lot of things going wrong, being depressed and the like. it is because things DO keep going wrong and i AM quite depressed, and i find it a constant struggle to pull myself out of this funk i quickly keep slipping back into. even if it would seem i can no longer find the light in my life, i will force myself to find it and hold onto those times i do, because they are few and far between anymore. they give me a quick feeling of peace to rest my heart and head for even a few minutes, which i desperately need.
it's very hard to live in this life as we know it. it's even harder when everyone around me seems to be doing so much better than i am, it makes it harder to lift my head back up each day but i must, for my 4 kids and the quality of their life, i must. and today i will try to help myself by starting this and hope it becomes a habit, to not only find the good things in my life and remember to come here and post them, but even look for those things every chance i get.
today i am grateful for...
the Goodwill that has opened back up across from Target where I was today. all the thrift stores/donation spots around here have closed up for whatever reason and it was a real shame. i've never been a big frequenter of those places, but i also didn't have as many money troubles as i do now. i didn't use to be very conscious to pass things down or reuse when possible, i've changed over the years.. for the better i'd like to think. i got really excited to see the windows full of stuff since i had planned to look for some dress up things for elsha for christmas, somewhere.. and had to keep it affordable. maybe one day i can look for clothes for me too since i really have nothing acceptable to wear in public, which admittedly hasn't stopped me.
i'm grateful for the sweet little comments my stink of a 2 yr old daughter makes in the middle of her rotten day... she has sweet times in between MOSTLY every day. when she isn't belting out the high screams that i swear could break glass, or 'decorating' my van with a cheerio shower. we were crossing a big bridge over the river that leads to the island where target lies... she loved looking at the water out the windows and then got even more excited 'momma wook a ship!' i love when she so innocently is just elsha, just enjoying being 2 and all the little things in life that are exciting, new and bring you happiness.
i'm grateful for the one tangible friend i have where i live so that on the rare occasion (probably annually) we can dump our kids with our fellas and go have adult girl time, which we are planning on this wknd. i know my sanity can use the breather, hers too and maybe i can return with a little more patience for my monsters.. and a little more clarity about things in general.
being a full time mommy/housekeeper/cook/animal caretaker/bus driver/shopper/milk cow...
get's pretty darn tiring. no paying job i've ever had, could hold a candle to it.
well..
it's a good start.
it's very hard to live in this life as we know it. it's even harder when everyone around me seems to be doing so much better than i am, it makes it harder to lift my head back up each day but i must, for my 4 kids and the quality of their life, i must. and today i will try to help myself by starting this and hope it becomes a habit, to not only find the good things in my life and remember to come here and post them, but even look for those things every chance i get.
today i am grateful for...
the Goodwill that has opened back up across from Target where I was today. all the thrift stores/donation spots around here have closed up for whatever reason and it was a real shame. i've never been a big frequenter of those places, but i also didn't have as many money troubles as i do now. i didn't use to be very conscious to pass things down or reuse when possible, i've changed over the years.. for the better i'd like to think. i got really excited to see the windows full of stuff since i had planned to look for some dress up things for elsha for christmas, somewhere.. and had to keep it affordable. maybe one day i can look for clothes for me too since i really have nothing acceptable to wear in public, which admittedly hasn't stopped me.
i'm grateful for the sweet little comments my stink of a 2 yr old daughter makes in the middle of her rotten day... she has sweet times in between MOSTLY every day. when she isn't belting out the high screams that i swear could break glass, or 'decorating' my van with a cheerio shower. we were crossing a big bridge over the river that leads to the island where target lies... she loved looking at the water out the windows and then got even more excited 'momma wook a ship!' i love when she so innocently is just elsha, just enjoying being 2 and all the little things in life that are exciting, new and bring you happiness.
i'm grateful for the one tangible friend i have where i live so that on the rare occasion (probably annually) we can dump our kids with our fellas and go have adult girl time, which we are planning on this wknd. i know my sanity can use the breather, hers too and maybe i can return with a little more patience for my monsters.. and a little more clarity about things in general.
being a full time mommy/housekeeper/cook/animal caretaker/bus driver/shopper/milk cow...
get's pretty darn tiring. no paying job i've ever had, could hold a candle to it.
well..
it's a good start.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
it's exhausting
being human. i am convinced i was not meant to be born this way and be living here. maybe i shoulda been an animal, anything but not what i am and where i have to live. i don't understand anyone and they don't understand me. i've always felt this way, so it's not like an epiphany or anything spurring this entry.
just more thinking like i always do in passing, or between cleaning something else. i get down too often. down about the entire big picture of life and all it's purpose and all it's waste of time. i never understood the point in it at all. just one big roller coaster ride you eventually get off of and can never get back on. i know i wouldn't ride it if it were me. but here i am so i do like the rest of you, 'make the best of it' eh? that's all i can figure anyway.
in the meantime i will continue to daydream of moving very far away from anyone or anything i've ever known or who knows me and building a life apart from it all. i wish we could build our own colony and i could cease being a part of the population.
wishes get you nowhere.
just more thinking like i always do in passing, or between cleaning something else. i get down too often. down about the entire big picture of life and all it's purpose and all it's waste of time. i never understood the point in it at all. just one big roller coaster ride you eventually get off of and can never get back on. i know i wouldn't ride it if it were me. but here i am so i do like the rest of you, 'make the best of it' eh? that's all i can figure anyway.
in the meantime i will continue to daydream of moving very far away from anyone or anything i've ever known or who knows me and building a life apart from it all. i wish we could build our own colony and i could cease being a part of the population.
wishes get you nowhere.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
I'm swearing off children
Yep, been on of those days. The first time the notion of tying my tubes has ever come into my mind, as I'm attempting to pin down a 10 mo old with an elbow in the rib with one arm while I aim at getting cream in the right place with the other. It takes no less than 10 minutes to change this kid's diaper, it's like nothing I've done before.. trust me, it burns calories.
EVERYTHING with Rye is a struggle. I put off EVERYTHING with him. Even seemingly simple things like wiping off his face after a meal? Don't even think about it.. you must schedule time in your day for tasks such as this. I feel like a side show just getting him dressed.. yes mothers know dressing a baby is not easy.. less easy as they become mobile, but not all kids are this kid. I chase him around the 2 sides of our bed that aren't against a wall.. from side to side, getting a shirt over his head on one turn, an arm in a sleeve the next.. as we know, the diaper comes last.
I am exhausted. Those of you with more than 4 kids (said with love), I don't know how you've maintained or tricked yourself into thinking you've maintained sanity, because after 4 I know I have lost mine. But hmm, do crazy people ever realize they are crazy? I don't think so, as they are thinking with a crazy mind. My friend Kim (she is so much wiser than I), told me 4 was the magic number.. the point at which not only should you be done, but have pushed the limit. I didn't know if I believed her, after all I love lots of kids and a lot of things that comes with having lots of kids. I'm here to say she was dead on. She told me not long ago.. as I probably mentioned the baby itch (it comes and goes), she told me to give it time. I'm here to say she was dead on.
As I sit here typing and noticing my nasty too long of nails,that are in desperate need of filing... and 2 of my children behind me wrestling and on the verge of hurting the other one AGAIN (it's coming in 1, 2, 3, 4.... it's coming, trust me), and think of my hair that could stand a washing because I can't remember the last time I did it (crying commenced, see told ya it was coming), the couch that has turned into one gigantic laundry hamper because the need for that has outweighed the need for a place to sit, the fact that I haven't had a single meal today and it is approaching 2 pm. That is not new, as a meal for me ususally consists of whatever I can pick at as I stand in the kitchen doing 1 to 2 other things. Oh, unless I wait until bedtime for all said children to be quietly asleep in their bed (yeah RIGHT) so I can sit and enjoy my food.
..............................................
I realize wow, what have I taken on. Sure I love them, I would give my life any day of the week for any one of them but my lord, I'm drained. Am I allowed to be? It doesn't really matter if you say yes, because it's not like anything will make me less drained but I hope I'm allowed to be, because well, I am. I have long lists of things I want to do.. with the kids, for the kids, with the house, for the family. It doesn't get touched because by the end of the day, I am still trying to catch up to the day!
It will get better eh? That's what Kim says too.. I don't know if I believe her.
And if anyone wants to borrow a 2.5 yr old, I have one that thinks she is too cute for her own good. Is more vindictive than any grown woman I have ever met, and plays us like she's an expert in the field. She also stomps, pouts, hands on hips, bites, slaps, pinches, kicks and screams at anyONE or anyTHING that gets in the way of her mental plan.
Notice I left out the other 2 kids, I've run out of time and am too tired to write another book.
Yep, been one of those days... and it's still early. Sigh.
EVERYTHING with Rye is a struggle. I put off EVERYTHING with him. Even seemingly simple things like wiping off his face after a meal? Don't even think about it.. you must schedule time in your day for tasks such as this. I feel like a side show just getting him dressed.. yes mothers know dressing a baby is not easy.. less easy as they become mobile, but not all kids are this kid. I chase him around the 2 sides of our bed that aren't against a wall.. from side to side, getting a shirt over his head on one turn, an arm in a sleeve the next.. as we know, the diaper comes last.
I am exhausted. Those of you with more than 4 kids (said with love), I don't know how you've maintained or tricked yourself into thinking you've maintained sanity, because after 4 I know I have lost mine. But hmm, do crazy people ever realize they are crazy? I don't think so, as they are thinking with a crazy mind. My friend Kim (she is so much wiser than I), told me 4 was the magic number.. the point at which not only should you be done, but have pushed the limit. I didn't know if I believed her, after all I love lots of kids and a lot of things that comes with having lots of kids. I'm here to say she was dead on. She told me not long ago.. as I probably mentioned the baby itch (it comes and goes), she told me to give it time. I'm here to say she was dead on.
As I sit here typing and noticing my nasty too long of nails,that are in desperate need of filing... and 2 of my children behind me wrestling and on the verge of hurting the other one AGAIN (it's coming in 1, 2, 3, 4.... it's coming, trust me), and think of my hair that could stand a washing because I can't remember the last time I did it (crying commenced, see told ya it was coming), the couch that has turned into one gigantic laundry hamper because the need for that has outweighed the need for a place to sit, the fact that I haven't had a single meal today and it is approaching 2 pm. That is not new, as a meal for me ususally consists of whatever I can pick at as I stand in the kitchen doing 1 to 2 other things. Oh, unless I wait until bedtime for all said children to be quietly asleep in their bed (yeah RIGHT) so I can sit and enjoy my food.
..............................................
I realize wow, what have I taken on. Sure I love them, I would give my life any day of the week for any one of them but my lord, I'm drained. Am I allowed to be? It doesn't really matter if you say yes, because it's not like anything will make me less drained but I hope I'm allowed to be, because well, I am. I have long lists of things I want to do.. with the kids, for the kids, with the house, for the family. It doesn't get touched because by the end of the day, I am still trying to catch up to the day!
It will get better eh? That's what Kim says too.. I don't know if I believe her.
And if anyone wants to borrow a 2.5 yr old, I have one that thinks she is too cute for her own good. Is more vindictive than any grown woman I have ever met, and plays us like she's an expert in the field. She also stomps, pouts, hands on hips, bites, slaps, pinches, kicks and screams at anyONE or anyTHING that gets in the way of her mental plan.
Notice I left out the other 2 kids, I've run out of time and am too tired to write another book.
Yep, been one of those days... and it's still early. Sigh.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
hehe
Upon burping this morning (which I didn't hear), Jude said 'cuse me!' and I said excuse what? He said he 'buhpped'. I said OH, thank you for being so polite! I said, are you a polite boy? He says "Yes, I am a polite boy. There are no polite girls because girls don't buhp" Hahaha.
Or the other day at Seaworld we spent some time watching the Budweiser Clydesdales graze. They loooooved the horsies, horsey this horsey that. After awhile Jude said "Dad, I want to see a COW". Lol, cracked the two of us up.
I love the stuff he always comes up with. He gets wittier by the day. He's a lot fun (a lot of headache too) these days. Half the time I can't keep a straight face at such a strong personality and such strong convictions about the way things should be, in the life of a 4 year old. ;) He keeps us in stitches.
Or the other day at Seaworld we spent some time watching the Budweiser Clydesdales graze. They loooooved the horsies, horsey this horsey that. After awhile Jude said "Dad, I want to see a COW". Lol, cracked the two of us up.
I love the stuff he always comes up with. He gets wittier by the day. He's a lot fun (a lot of headache too) these days. Half the time I can't keep a straight face at such a strong personality and such strong convictions about the way things should be, in the life of a 4 year old. ;) He keeps us in stitches.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
YUMMY Chili!!
Been awhile since I've cooked. Just too tired, too much going on.. too down .. too many things ha. The weather here I guess has made me want some chili and to use my slow cooker again (love that thing). I of course consume little to no meat, so it had to be vegetarian. I got this recipe off allrecipes.com (love that site!) and thought I'd give it a whirl. It is SO GOOD. Oh my, I will be eating this every day until I eat it all! It does make alot.. the amounts called for. I have a huge crockpot so it worked well for me, and if I'm gonna cook something for 8 hrs it better be a lot of food! I doubt anyone else here will eat this seeing as it contains beans (I could live on beans!) and is weird looking (isn't shaped like pizza or nuggets or fries) to my weird children. But I will definitely make this again!
It's suggested to serve this with tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, guac and sour cream.. ummm YUMMY!! I am just eating it plain, and maybe with chips to cut the calories but I can imagine how awesome it would be with all that extra yummy stuff. I luuuuuuuuuv Mexicano!! hehe.
***I cut the onions to 3 (that's alot of onion!), and added a few good shakes of Emeril's Bayou Blast (that stuff rocks).***
INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup olive oil
4 onions, chopped
2 green bell peppers, seeded
and chopped
2 red bell peppers, seeded and
chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14 ounce) package firm tofu,
drained and cubed
4 (15.5 ounce) cans black
beans, drained
2 (15 ounce) cans crushed
tomatoes
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black
pepper
2 teaspoons ground cumin
6 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons distilled white
vinegar
1 tablespoon liquid hot pepper
sauce, such as
Tabasco™
DIRECTIONS:
1.
Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions; cook and stir until they start to become soft. Add the green peppers, red peppers, garlic and tofu; cook and stir until vegetables are lightly browned and tender, the whole process should take about 10 minutes.
2.
Pour the black beans into the slow cooker and set to Low. Stir in the sauteed vegetables and tomatoes. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder, oregano, vinegar and hot pepper sauce. Stir gently and cover. Cook on Low for 6 to 8 hours.
It's suggested to serve this with tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, guac and sour cream.. ummm YUMMY!! I am just eating it plain, and maybe with chips to cut the calories but I can imagine how awesome it would be with all that extra yummy stuff. I luuuuuuuuuv Mexicano!! hehe.
***I cut the onions to 3 (that's alot of onion!), and added a few good shakes of Emeril's Bayou Blast (that stuff rocks).***
INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup olive oil
4 onions, chopped
2 green bell peppers, seeded
and chopped
2 red bell peppers, seeded and
chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14 ounce) package firm tofu,
drained and cubed
4 (15.5 ounce) cans black
beans, drained
2 (15 ounce) cans crushed
tomatoes
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black
pepper
2 teaspoons ground cumin
6 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons distilled white
vinegar
1 tablespoon liquid hot pepper
sauce, such as
Tabasco™
DIRECTIONS:
1.
Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions; cook and stir until they start to become soft. Add the green peppers, red peppers, garlic and tofu; cook and stir until vegetables are lightly browned and tender, the whole process should take about 10 minutes.
2.
Pour the black beans into the slow cooker and set to Low. Stir in the sauteed vegetables and tomatoes. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder, oregano, vinegar and hot pepper sauce. Stir gently and cover. Cook on Low for 6 to 8 hours.
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