Ah...change.

so i am still here and still kickin', or rather getting kicked... by 2 babies within my very large stomach hehe. we have now been in our new house for a whole month. moving for me was exxxxxxxxxxxxxxhausting, but i wasn't expecting anything less in my err.. condition. i've busted my butt more than i ever have these last few months, and boy am i feeling it. we are so happy to have moved on. the kids and us love where we are now. we all function SOOOO much better, and i actually feel like we live a more 'normal' life now for our circumstance. we found a home for our one dog yukon, and yiska has adjusted very well to being a lavished inside dog, with the sole responsibility of guarding her family!

in a nutshell, things have been hectic and great. i now see my regular dr. every 2 weeks, and a specialist in between. then there are school clubs, and functions and more appointments, holidays.. 2 birthdays this month as well as christmas..all while we prepare for twins that could be here as soon as NEXT MONTH guys!!!! at which time will also be Emma's birthday. PHEW! life as we know it, is changing rapidly and will continue to do so for a good while after the babies come and mold our life into something else entirely. =) but hey, these beats the same old same old!

speaking of the twins, as of the last scan they are doing awesome, growing very well and happily doing so! but right now i've got to get 2 kids and myself ready to go see my OB for another check up, so i must be running! i wanted to just update this old thing. i'll try to add more later.

Still kickin'

Before my battery dies I wanted to update this darn blog that I don't seem to have time for much anymore. I am loving the weather as of late.. well not todays nor yesterdays (still in the 90's), but we have been getting a couple of cold fronts officially and every year at this time I fall in love with Florida.. this is the ONLY time this happens I might add. ;) Once 'Winter' that is more like your Fall comes to an end, I'll want out again.

I am now seeing a specialist for my pregnancy since I am carrying twins. I found out 3 weeks ago at my first visit, they are identical GIRLS, yes girls girls. That makes lots of girls around here (and hormones: cringe), but hey.. the ratio had to be thrown off eventually I guess. ;) The most important part is that as of 3 weeks ago they are healthy and growing well. I will go back every couple of weeks for scans to check on them and make sure they keep that up. I go again in 2 days and I can't wait!

Last but certainly not least, WE ARE MOVING!! HURRAY!!!!!!!!! After much searching and some bubbles burst, we found a home we both like and that has everything I was looking for in one, to suit our expanding family. We will be moving on or before the 1st of November, which was my goal date when we started all of this- and I really can't believe it worked out that way. Chris and I are very excited to be able to move forward. Scary to go back to the normal world of paying mortgage/rent after not for so long.. but it's GOOD! We've needed to get out of this God forsaken limbo and back on our feet. Our house will be listed as a short sale as soon as we are out of here, and we hope and pray that works out so we can avoid foreclosure after all.


SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much going on, but those are the highlights. This week is packed day in and day out with appointments and to-do's, and then the big move at the end of it all. I need to take a few deep breaths!! ....
And find where I packed my energy. ;)

New stuff

A LOT has gone on as of late. A lot of bad, and there is always good even if you are like me and have to look for it.

I've not really been in a blogging mood since learning the news of my Grandmother being sick. But it is time to move onto other things. Her death has not let me express my thoughts and feelings surrounding it just yet, so I've not even attempted to do so. I'm better at putting those into the form of poetry, and that might be all that happens, eventually, when my head and heart are not in so many conflicting places at once.


On to positive news, we have just learned last week that our family is growing.. much more than we had anticipated it would. Not by just one, but by TWO babies!! That's right, I am carrying twins. I guess our no family history and my 4% chance of it happening was great enough this time. =) I am very excited, and just hope everything will go as well as it can the rest of this pregnancy (which could only last another 4 months), and with the babies themselves. I am open to my life changing in huge, giant ways because well, it's certainly going to. I'm going to have to let things slide, bend a lot more in so many areas, ask for help? EEEK. I just don't know what to expect, there is much that awaits us from here on out. First and foremost I want to enjoy everything about this pregnancy because it is most definitely unique and special, nothing about it can compare to carrying just one baby. It's going to be amazing, and already has been incredibly challenging!! I am a veteran Mom and this time has sent me through the ringer and back early on.
Oh, but worth it, it will be.

We are also on a mission to find a new home ASAP! As some of you know, we own a VERY small home that we outgrew, well very quickly after moving here. We moved here with 2 kids and one on the way. We had planned on staying 2 years and then selling and moving to something larger. As most of us know, on the average, things don't go as planned.. as least for us they don't. The economy went down the crapper, as did Chris' income because he is in the automotive industry that took a huge hit, our lives fell behind fast and now we are buried in what we owe on our too-small-for-us house. We are looking into any available rental that could possibly suit as as far as location, size, and price. Fortunately for us, there is a lot out there, more so in further out areas as we are now.. but a lot nonetheless. And also because this whole country is feeling what we are, owners are desperate to get tenants in to pay their mrtg's and by now, having a foreclosure on your record has become old news.

So, we hope to find as ideal of a place as possible here very shortly and get out of this house. Get settled into something much larger than this 1100 sq ft, 3 bdrm 1 bath home with no garage- 6 people, 2 giant breed dogs, and 4 cats share, well before said babies arrive.
Yes, I have kept my sanity if you're wondering. =) And a clean and tidy house too. I've been told other people could never be me lol, and they are probably right. It is not easy, but I'm good at making the best of the cards dealt to me at the time.
Nothing stays the same, there is not much further in the down direction things could go for us, they WILL change and everything always improves from where it is, eventually. That keeps me going. I will say I canNOT wait! to move! I sit daydreaming about houses. I don't know what it's like to have room that we NEED, I'm so used to roughing it around here.
I'm so used to kicking someone out of the bathroom because 2 people are waiting to use it.
I'm so used to 2 people being in the kitchen and constantly running into each other so no more than 2 are allowed.
I'm so used to not being able to have an adult conversation with Chris when kids are awake because 4 kids in a small space such as this, have no place else to go but in our faces carrying on while we yell to hear each other.
We won't mention how finding a place to put food is a chore,
and the fact that because we have no storage one tiny room has to serve 3 purposes,
a garage, laundry room and pantry in one.

Sound fun yet? Well we've done a lot of cursing of this place, not to mention it's almost 30 yrs old and falling apart. But, I will still miss it and all the memories we made here.
Bringing home the 2 babies we did here,
the Christmas's we've had here,
many memories and they are good ones.
This home does not harbor the stress it has brought us surprisingly, the love has overshadowed it.
I still enjoy the bright morning sun shining on me as I write this, just as much as I did the first morning I spent here.
And, I will miss the great neighborhood! But, we hope to stay near by because I really don't want to pull my kids out of school at the beginning of the year and switch. I guess whatever we have to do, will be what is done. We are exploring all of our options. If moving to a different city allows us a 4 or 5 bedroom house in our budget, where we will obviously be able to stay longer than a years time, than that would most likely be the smart choice verses taking a larger 3 bdrm here and having to move again so soon.

See? There is a lot going on.. again? or still. But I will take today as it comes,
just one more day
where anything can happen.

death/life

i am going to write because i need to. i have no idea if i am going to publish this post, but when nothing else works and i get to this point in my life, which i've not been in years... this is my home. the only way i know how to get this suffering out of me, at least for the moment.

i do alot of thinking. perhaps more than your average person. i would bet all my money on this being true. i spend large amounts of time every day thinking about LIFE in general. my life, the lives of my family, my friends, anyone that i care about and people i do not even know. i wonder about them and their situations. i have empathy for them or i have joy. sometimes i feel anger, or many other emotions. my point is, i do this alot. i find myself daydreaming almost taking into account the big picture. the fact we may lose our house, my kids are being brats, someone hurt someone else's feelings, someones seemingly in better shape than me...maybe more financially stable at the moment..all of that falls away. it falls away every day and easily. i don't care and it doesn't matter. and i wish everyone in the world could just not care and let it fall away and realize what is really going on in life. where are we really headed. what are our actions doing to other people. why shouldnt being kind matter. why can't people stop being so selfish and concentrate on other people more.

i sat with a computer on my lap, in a quickly darkening room
as if i had intentions to do something
but all i could do is sit
and think
and think some more and people ask what im doing
'"nothing."
what are you going to do they ask
"nothing." and nothing is good enough for me.
cause i really didn't have any plans.
i just wanted to sit, and stare and let my eyes relax so that they lose focus even though they pretend to look busy.
my head was



just weeks ago i remarked to friends and family that i would rather welcome the news of new life any day of the week than the news of someone i love dying... they will probably remember hearing this from me if they are reading...

and once again i have received both.
this isn't the first time in my life i have been beaming with a tiny heart beating inside of me while i watch someone i love die in front of me.
there is nothing like it. it is a very tearing experience.
there is life flourishing, thriving, stronger every day
there is hope
there is purpose
this is what grounds me

death takes this away.

today i was laying in bed late this morning.. greedily taking advantage of not having to be up early to take anyone to school. i laid there thinking back on my children as babies and how and when their names came to be chosen.
i mentally went through the experience again, one by one. i do this alot too.. relive experiences, over and over and over. i guess i need to.
first came my firstborn.. emma.
that brought to mind my grandmother..my father's mother.
i remember letting gavin choose emma's name. i had no part in it. i was different then and didn't even bother to look. he knew what he wanted to name her and i loved it as soon as i heard it. emma plum it would be... if she were a she.
but if she were not, he would have been named after my father, vincent.

i was recalling all of this and as i was i remember a day gavin and i drove out to see my grandmother while i was pregnant and hadn't found out what gender the baby was. we were walking out to the car and i remember her shouting out about a name.. we told her if it were a boy,what his name would be. she smiled.
i will never forget it, the way she smiled.
i knew it touched her and it was one of those smiles that speaks volumes, silently.


why today of all days these memories decided to flood back to me i don't know but then..
this afternoon i was given the news that my grandmother is dying.

i have no words to express the emotions surrounding this piece of information. i can't even remember a time in my life i have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time,or all at once.
even though my grandmother, and my whole fathers side of the family have been estranged in recent years.. her and i were once very close. during the very hardest time in my life, when i was going through a custody battle and separation she was there for me just as i needed her to be. we talked just about every night. it was a very special time in my life to finally have a bond with her the way that i did. i was very alone at that time and she kept me going, even laughing. she was very good at making me laugh. i was one step closer to my history, where i come from since i feel i lost so much losing my dad at such a young age.

alot has happened between then and where we are now. too much to write in one book of a blog post. but despite the estrangement of my family once again, i still had many fantasies of sitting back down to talk to my grandmother and hearing all her stories.
hearing stories of my father and my grandfather, learning where i come from and what i can tell my children.
i daydreamed of the day i got to see her again, and when i was able to bring her great grandchildren to meet her,
the 3 of them that she has never seen. i wanted her to know that i named my 2nd son after hers.
i wanted her to be happy and proud.

being 32.
having lost so many people in my life, i feel like i lose another piece of my past that i will never get back and sometimes i never even got to know.
so in growing older, i feel im growing more empty.
having 4 children, i wanted to know her secret.
i wanted her to know how much i looked up to her, and respected her
for not being a perfect mother
but for giving life to 5 people and raising, caring and loving them.

being 32 and having 4 children i know just how difficult this task is, even early on. this made me have an even stronger desire to learn
and talk to a very strong woman and mother that i admired, as another woman and mother now that i am grown.
she is the reason i wanted a large family
and the fact that family either leave or just decide to go away is the other reason. leaving mine very small.
i wanted lots of children, that had children and spouses and big gatherings at holidays
and lots of voices, small and of all ages
and lots of love
never falling short.

this news is forcing my head to say no. it's over.
the fantasies have to end.
another piece of your history is going away.
your chance is gone.

just like it happened with my father
just like it happened with my father's father
just like it happened with my mother's mother
my mother's father died before i was born.

and guess what? everyone's life will go on tomorrow and the next day, and next week too.
suddenly someone else will bombard me with petty shit i don't care about and i will be sitting here spending too much time thinking about what my life is really all about.

tomorrow i will be going to see my grandmother who is dying who i have not seen in many years.
i remember her, well.
and im afraid.
ive turned into a little girl fearing death.
i'm afraid to be confronted with it
to be that close to it.
i am hurled back in time to the age of 11
visiting my father in the hospital as he suffered and withered in front of my eyes.
will it hurt so much that i break apart
and come undone
i think that it will.
and why should i fear feeling
hurting
its a part of life
as is death
im old enough to know this. but im still afraid. i think and then inside me says no. you can't do it, you won't make it through.
but im old enough to know feeling so much that it aches in your body and crying to the extent your jaws ache, your eyes burn
isn't going to kill me.

this is one of those times in life you must do what you have to, and what is right. any other choice, would be selfish. i am not a selfish person, and i raise my kids the same way. we are surrounded by a world full of selfish people and we must be the good in the world. some of us are still out there. and thanks to me, a few more will be.

so,
there is alot going on in my life at the moment. but there always is and if there wasn't
it wouldn't be
my
life.
this month was the month i miscarried 6 years ago.
this month is the month jude was born 5 years ago
this is the month my mother's mother died 4 years ago.
this is the month i conceived elsha right after my grandmother passed, 4 years ago.
this is the month my first son starts kindergarten, in just 2 days.
this month, i am carrying new life. GOD, please, if you are listening, protect it for me.
this is the month my grandmother may die.

we are trying to find where we belong right now. if we can stay in our home or if we have to move and call somewhere else home for awhile.
we have found a new home for one of our family pets, yukon. because he no longer is happy here. this will not be easy for our kids.
but all that stuff is easy
compared to this.
this is the stuff that goes around my brain every day.
this is why i don't know anyone like me, and why i cant relate to those i do know.
and in the same breath i want to enjoy the life i have now. because it will not stay the same. it may worsen, it may surprise us all and get alot better. we don't know what's in store, but i am content for it to remain as it is...for as long as it should.
i don't want for much.
i want us to all be healthy
and we will be happy because we are loved.
no matter where we go, or what trial is given next we will come out on the other side.
a bit older
a bit more weary.
a bit kicked around
stronger.
wiser.
humbled.


i'm glad today is almost over..
and i can rest my head for awhile and pretend it didn't happen.

The happiest of birthdays to my now 5 year old.

1. i just gave birth to you about 40 minutes ago, 5 years ago today. you were beautiful and still are, only more so.

2. you are the most sensitive soul hidden beneath a boy. :)

3. you make your family laugh more with each passing day you become more witty, observant, and clever.

4. you are highly imaginative.

5. you are the best big brother there could ever be around here. the way you care for you siblings is unmatched for a little person your age.

... and i could say much more only time is short. i love you little man and everything about you. you were a very good way to begin having a second child.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Religion in a cereal box

is it just me or has anyone else noticed the 'Jesus fish' in their kid's lucky charms???? i'm actually amused by them bearing such a striking resemblance to the well known 'Jesus fish' stuck on the back of so many vehicles, it's all i could think about! i can only assume they are innocent little uh fishies, but what an odd choice if ya ask me. there are only like 3 cereal shapes in the whole box after i got to looking.. yes i investigated after finding the fish on my floor from breakfast.. guess Rye threw those ones back. =x

perhaps they've always been in that nasty cereal and i've never bothered to look.

perhaps i am just growing more observant in my old age. ;)

but hey, that's my post for today.

The end of 5th grade =(

so emma had her awards ceremony today. i don't normally come to these.. 3 little kids trying to sit still while someone announces names, kids walking up to get things and get pics snapped. well, it sounds kinda boring to even me lol. you get it. but she brought a note home and it said she would be receiving more than one.. and since i had 2 days notice (ha!) i thought i would drag us all there to support emma. here are some pics i snapped between telling kids to shut up, stuff their faces with snacks, and fetch thrown sippys. enjoy!

and......

i am very proud of my firstborn who will soon be in the 6th grade (just next month). it is heart wrenching to think it has all passed by me so entirely quickly.

"A" honor roll for this semester!

A/B honor roll for the whole year!


Outstanding in Science!!


Award of merit for being a Safety Patrol!

Extra's....

My boys

My girls..

a candid moment. Emma asked special permission from her teacher to not sit with her class, but sit with her family, that she loves dearly. =)

it's June

1. i hate my neighbors.

2. mean people in this world should be abolished.

3. i've yet to see my life as a fair existence, yet i continue to see greed all around me.
i wish there was someone i could hold accountable for this moral injustice.
the word around town is he's been out of the office.

4. we still have NO news on our loan modification, even though it's been almost 3 months now. neither of us want to live in our house anymore and are prepared with having to leave if they don't offer/accept what we need them to...
so, that is a blessing.

5. i am able to recognize and appreciate the smallest of blessings.

5. i am a very patient person.

6. my baby boy (the biggest one) graduated from Pre-k last Thursday. we all had a great time and i am very proud of him!

7. i continue on daily with my goal of simplifying the life of my family.
not having nor asking for more than we need.
interestingly enough, i am happier having LESS, than when i have abundance.

8. i am most grateful for sucky situations bringing out some very good things in me, and in turn our lives.


=)

Spring Things

I got this idea that I wanted a squirrel feeder in coming across one online the other day. After all, don't enough people feed the birds? And hope NOT to feed those furry little rodents hehe. Well, I want to feed those furry little rodents we have so many of! Problem? when I got home and looked at the tree I envisioned putting it on, ick! Letting outside projects go as of late would be the understatment. Well, that had to get taken care of before I put a cute feeder on it. So we got to chopping. The kids pitched in to umm admire the branches before helping me take them all down to the street. We were a good team! And the end result was a nice sense of accomplishment. =)

Now come eat little furry things! We're waiting! hehe.

Before:



After:


Lil Helpers:



Ta da!

Time, time, time

My button turned 3 on April 24th. We had a very nice amd simple celebration for her. Just the way it should be I've learned. I then turned 32, 5 days later. Holy God, when did that happen. I choose not to celebrate but force myself to now do something fun to make the day less dreadful and daunting. My man who loves me more than I understand why.. arranged to take me to a Dave Matthews concert in Georgia ON my birthday. That is the best birthday I think I've ever had. I love Dave, I've never seen him live and on my birthday? What more could I want. I was more exicted just to get away with Chris as a couple, something we haven't been able to do in a long, long time. Too long. We just let go, relaxed, enjoyed ourselves and slept in! We had a couple nights there in Georgia and made a great memory. That is the very best part. I hope we can make this somewhat of a regular thing. At least the getting away for a little while part, and regaining some sense of who we are as individuals and as a couple. Something we have both been lacking, that we need to make an effort to change!

Life is good man, if ya keep it simple. Keep things in priority. Keep your expectations low or at least realistic. Live for the moment. Enjoy the moment given to you as what it is, that moment in time ready to pass you by and never given back. Let the little things matter and don't ever envy, it is wasteful and it is destructive to your soul.

I hope all I love are well and peaceful. =)

they all won't stop getting older

haven't figured out what to do about this problem, but haven't given up either.

we took our button out for her special birthday dinner on friday night. she had a good time being the star of the show, and why shouldn't she.

she managed to get her mom and dad to buy 4 wubzy stuffies, because she could not part with 3. she's got us wrapped i tell you.. or maybe just daddy. =) but who cares, it was her special night and i was not about to make my baby cry!

we will be celebrating her birthday this sunday, eventhough her actual birthday falls on friday. we always do the weekened celebration when daddy is off of work, of course. it should be a fun, simple, and special birthday for our baby girl.

You've lived for 3 whole years!

Miss Rachel. I love you and wish you the very best of a fourth year ahead. I hope I can meet you sometime soon! I hope everyone poured all over you and made it the very special day that it is. Easter can't hold a candle to you. ;) Happy Birthday beauty.

-xxxooo

if you were to

accidentally knock over your beverage (in my case a beer), all over your keyboard and subsequently.. your carpet. which would you run to soak up first?

answer:
carpet. (at least in my case)

not sure what that says about me. but i think it's good. =) or maybe nuts? which would also fall in line with me, but nevertheless good.. at least in my book.

suppose i should work on that clumsy thing.

My Girls.

How I love them so.

My most favorite picture (taken today via cell phone) of them to date.

Where does the time go.

How do I keep them small

and innocent.

How have a I missed so much?

To everyone else this may be just another picture.

To me it yells and screams volumes in my face.

Life has gotten in the way.

Life has happened while I was busy with life.

It makes my angry!

I want to divorce my OCD, my anxiety, my depression, my OCD about myself and my OCD!

It's hard being me.. but I bet it's harder being them seeing me.

I just want a break... from it all.

and I don't want a picture taken in a hectic time yet so beautifully, to make me see what I've got that I can't see every other day.

This is my prayer.

Amen

First Supper =)

we had sooo much fun sitting together, laughing together.. at each other lol. i think we're all giddy that we can look around at all our faces and see and hear things we never do, or have time to see and hear! rye bear squealed and kicked his legs being so happy to look at us while eating. he thought it was the best thing ever. we talked. this is long overdue for any family, let alone a family with 4 kids who have never sat down at a table together!

it's times like this, i love and appreciate our little house, complete with the children that run amok in it. the lack of space is evident but there is never a lack of love, of laughter, and life running through it. happy momma. =)

playing under the table and dreaming =)

so, we finally got a table i'd been wanting for some time, Craigslist came thru ;) put it up last night, and the kiddies were so excited to see it this morning, eat their breakfast and their lunch.. to look through magazines at, or go exploring underneath. ;) i sat with them all at lunch and it was alot of fun. we laughed alot and el ate so much better than she ever does. i'm looking very forward to dinner as a family for the first time. =)

Moving up in my little blue world

okay so not really UP, more like out? i guess. been a long time coming but we took on a GIANT task of switching rooms around in here, and children too. well i still have the same kids, but they reside in different places. ;) chris and i now officially have a NO KID ZONE room to ourselves. a grown up room. ' the adult room' as we refer to it. i like to keep the door shut and the cats out even. it's my new sanctuary and i protect it as such. after all, it's been years since i've known this feeling and even then, it was very short lived as one or another little fetus eventually changed the adult room back into a baby inhabited domain. where there are babies, at least my babies, there is no sleep for momma. i have lived 15 months (longer if you count the pregnancy, oh and elsha before that who slept worse, and well i could keep tracking backward) of not one single, complete, good nights rest. and if you ask me, i think i've done pretty darn well considering.

so ..in short. we took over the girl's room. the girl's took over our room. rye moved in with his big brother to make one testosterone filled boy's room.. that has already begun to sound like it is occupied by primates. ;)

this big switch entailed much painting by yours truly. a building project by chris which entailed building on a second closet beside the one i would take. mucho work by the both of us (just like moving!) and we are *almost* done. a little tweaking here and there.. more organizing ideas.. more decorating.. more time .. and more money and we will be THERE.

i have to say i am enjoying this home improvement thing. if we had all the money in the world it would be SO MUCH FUN, although with great exhaustion. so very rewarding to change something that does not work and bugs you to no end, into something you love, makes you feel good to see and be around and say hey, i did that.. i made that better and it now it makes ME feel better! what a difference i feel by changing things around here that i hate, and make me loathe this home on a daily basis. space? we cannot change, unless we fall into money and can afford a small addition or two. but i've come to the realization what i can afford to change.. even little by little, is what i want to focus on, and what makes me happy. having said that i have great plans and ideas for this place, should we be here long enough for them to make any sense to complete.

next up! the boy's room will be repainted in a new boy color. after that, i will choose a new color to repaint all the other rooms of the house that i repainted just 3 short years ago while VERY pregnant with El. it's time for a change, not to mention they are beat to heck and in great need of some tlc. my next goal is to get a dining room table so that we all can eat together, sit together, and talk together. where jude can do his homework and we can help him with it.. which will be SOON seeing as he will start Kindergarten this year!!!! only problem is my dream table is not in my current budget, and Craigslist isn't coming through for me. i will press on in my search!

i wish i had taken pics of the rooms before the changes.. but since i didn't i will get around to posting after pics after they're completed to my satisfaction.. wait, that might not be a good idea, then the pics may never come. ;)

also, my beautiful, god love 'em children, lost the memory card to my camera so i am unable to use it. i only have my phone! and those pics are well, crappy. i'll do my best to get pics as well as a new memory card soon. camera withdrawwwwwwwwwwwwwl!!

When Im lyin in my bed at night
I dont wanna grow up
Nothin ever seems to turn out right
I dont wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
Thats always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I dont wanna grow up
I dont ever wanna be that way
I dont wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That theyd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today...
Im gonna put a hole in my tv set
I dont wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I dont wanna grow up
I dont wanna have to shout it out
I dont want my hair to fall out
I dont wanna be filled with doubt
I dont wanna be a good boy scout
I dont wanna have to learn to count
I dont wanna have the biggest amount
I dont wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I dont wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I dont wanna grow up
Id rather stay here in my room
Nothin out there but sad and gloom
I dont wanna live in a big old tomb
On grand street

When I see the 5 oclock news
I dont wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I dont wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I dont wanna put no money down
I dont wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I dont wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I dont wanna grow up

~tom waits/k. brennan

Update

still waiting on our luck to turn around.

1. my kids are insane, and they and their schedules are wearing me to the bone. they are all, every one of them, beautiful.
2. someone loves me more than i'll ever love me, and despite the fact i'll never understand how someone can love me so much.
3. we aren't hungry.
4. i can type this.

i like even numbers..
end of update. ;)

we are in the process of speaking to someone who could *possibly* negotiate with our mrtg company about another loan modification to get our payment to an affordable amount. a friend gave me his # and i am trying to be hopeful of the possibility. it seems too good to be true for us, this being the main source of ALL of our financial problems. being that there are currently SO many things out there for people just like us in trouble with their homes, many more things than were available back when we started having trouble. if this doesn't pan out, we will just have to keep trying other avenues.

my mother in law also came and sat down with us and set out a new budget plan for chris and i, to get caught on most of what has fallen behind because of this house, and a better way to plan and spend. i am hopeful with this too. for awhile, there will be no (or very little!) frivolous spending. we will be cutting back anything we can without losing too much fun in our lives ;) until we can get back to a point where we can bring those things back in. it will happen, one day. why do i know this? because it just has to. we've been down too long. we have been trying hard and one day it will pay off.. and we will be better for having gone through it! you never know what you have until you lose it! sacrifice is essential to being human, and over the years i have grown to live through sacrificing, mostly for my kids. =) i wouldn't have it any other way.

keep us in your thoughts and in your prayers if you do that kind of thing. we could use all the good ones we can gather. we would be in a much much MUCH better place, if they can make this happen for us. we were fine before we bought the house, and long for the rent we used to have, although high would be a dream now!! we have regrets sometimes, but you do what you think is best at the time, and often times.. there is no other better option, as was the case almost 3 years ago now!

i am thankful we still have a home, despite the fact that it will never be ideal. it keeps a roof over all of our heads! and for that, we are fortunate.


=)

looong time

no update.

guess cause in good ways, i've been busy and content.. and pretty happy, and busy. oh i said that, i'll say it again, i've been busy. i was starting to believe good things come around eventually for all of us, but i've had it all torn down again, like it always is. life is a SICK JOKE. and i might not hate it right now, but i don't like it, at all. i'm getting real tired of hearing people complain about the stupidest and most trivial of things, that if they were in my shoes, would have either jumped off a bridge or been admitted into a mental hospital. i've done neither of these things, tho i won't lie and say they've not crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

the st johns wort i've been on for a couple of months now, has helped tremondously and without it i fear what my life would be. i don't have any plans of stopping it any time soon, if anything, increasing my doseage. i don't have insurance as we all know, so real meds are out. i'm just SO TIRED. emotionally, i'm gone.. tapped out. mentally? that happened first. physically i'm getting by with lots and lots and lots of caffiene. i have no real energy, whatsoever. i think any energy i used to have has been spread so thin in the two above mentioned areas, that i'm spent. done deal.

i want us to be able to stop worrying for 5 minutes and be happy as a family where we are, but something is preventing it at every turn. nothing ever works out. we STILL cannot catch a stupid break, anywhere, in any part of our lives. WHY?!!!!!!!!?????????????????? why does everyone else's life i know suck so much less? i dont know what i've done. i've been more than generous. i put out as much good energy and thoughts as comes naturally (which is more than you'd think someone as jaded as me would be able to muster). but.. it doesn't come back. what comes back is more bad news, more crap. more money issues, more house issues, burying us deeper in this hole that's been swallowing us for almost 2 years now.

i'm waiting for other people to take this burden off of me and feel the evil life can pour down on you. i'm tired of taking it all and i don't want any part of it any more. someone hasn't gotten the message. maybe i've made it clear this time.

back to cleaning through a stress induced migraine. at least i'll never run out of cleaning to bring me some sick level of happiness.

**OH, and my youngest boy is officially walking... he still crawls too thank goodness hehe. it's the most adorable thing ever. course it makes me sad he's growing up right along with the others but it's still exciting. and i'll take anything positive at this point!**

if i think of anything else good to post i guess i will, or won't as the case may be.

11 Years ago...

yesterday, Emma Plum was born at 3:28 in the afternoon. Hard to believe so much time has passed, eventhough in ways it has gone slow, in others ways entirely too fast. Kids always grow up too fast and she is no exception. Emma has acted well beyond her years since she was just a baby... in some ways that is good, and in others, not so good lol. She is a wonderful kid, she couldn't be a better big sister to her 3 younger siblings, and is also an excellent student! We are very proud to say she made it to the A/B honor roll, just having received 4 A's and 1 B on her latest report card. She also excels in reading, having a target end of year range from 779 - 1039 on her SRI's, Emma scored a 1226. We are all very proud of her, yet I take no credit for her brains, I never did that well in school lol. Then again I loathed school, and Emma, much like her aunt Gina LOVES school!

We took her out for her birthday dinner, like we do all the kids and then for ice cream and our 'family picture' hehe. Enjoy a few pics I thought I'd post for a little look back. =)

And...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you can stop growing now, I can deal with 11 forever if I have to.) I love you Princess P.

Your Dad and I shortly before you were a twinkle. =)



In labor =)











On our way to dinner!


Mom and daughter =)


All done with her cheese ravioli birthday dinner!


A really bad picture of the full moon. Oddly enough, Emma was born 11 years ago, the day before the full moon.


Bring on the oreo overload! She wanted chocolate devotion but they were sadly, out of brownies. Chris said it was just wrong, they wouldn't make Emma a batch of brownies on her birthday. ;)


Extra insulin needed for this! (she didn't eat the WHOLE thing haha)


And a good time was had by ALL!!!


Saying goodnight to the full mooon

A month and a week?

something like that anyway, since I started the St. Johns wort. today, im down. i've had my ups and downs like always but many more ups than i'd seen for awhile. some days i just don't want to hold it altogether anymore, or at least not try so hard, like today. today started off really pretty good, i was going in circles trying to get things done and was making progress to a point (progress is one thing on my happy list) but i quickly became a bit saturated with negative feelings, enough so that i couldn't push them away any longer and they ate at me til i wanted to cry. but i didn't. my eyes started to well and i told myself that i was stupid for all those stupid thoughts making me feel this way. i then began to clean in a frenzy and quickly wore myself out, thereby making everything feel better, my mental state included. not bad! it's usually much worse than that and affects me much more deeply. but i think im OK now.

maybe these new ditches will be a little more shallow when i fall into them. one can hope.