Doubt recently is a huge thing with me. It seems to have a negative ring for most people, but I've caught myself saying it a lot, because my life is filled up to the brim with doubt in the present. I opened up my book again just to pick another chapter that looked interesting and that I could use for good, all about doubt. Once again, this is extremely interesting to me. The more I read of Zen teachings, the more I feel I belong here. It is the only thing to date I've ever read or learned or heard about that resonates with the way I believe and think and makes (so far) 100% sense to me, it just 'fits'. It gives me a warmth and peace to read about it, and makes me feel like I am already home, everything is already fine, no matter what. There is no getting saved, there is no repenting, none of the nonsense that will never make sense to me. Everything I need, I already have. It is an all encompassing feeling of acceptance and simplicity. What more could I want? Anyone that knows me, know I am never satisfied with someone's word, I question everything and I research and research myself and sometimes still, never satisfied with a 'truth' in whatever situation. .... Sharing a bit more through my depression experience- a good thing right? right.
=)
"Many people come to religion, including Zen and Buddhism, looking for that certainty. They hope that through religion they can have their doubts relieved. Some religions and teachers do offer assurances. They promise a certain and safe place in an uncertain and sometimes dangerous world.
But in depression all the reassuring and comfortable touchstones we had (or thought we had) are gone. We feel adrift, with nothing to believe in. The doubt within us sits heavily in the pits of our stomachs. We can't seem to get rid of it no matter how hard we try. When our doubt grows big enough, we want to expel it, to get rid of it forever. We want certainty in its place. Failing that, we at least want to find something we can believe in.
Unpleasant as this place may feel at first, it is actually a very good place to be."
"Typically, we may look to religion or philosophy for some belief or explanation that can be a safe harbor in the storm. But in our life the storm rages on. There are no such safe harbors. There never have been."
"...Instead, we are told to examine everything. We are encouraged to doubt. We are urged not to believe anything until it has been proven to us through our own direct experience." "Often, doubt is what brings us to Zen teachings and mediation in the first place- doubt over who we are, why life is so painful, and why we should live knowing we will die. We must then take this doubt, meditate with it, and digest it, until it fills our whole being."
"We must become willing to reside in the midst of this enormous doubt and let it be all right. In fact, we must accept that it may never be resolved and that this will still be all right.
This means we continually question; we never simply accept the answers given us. It means that we do not hold on to the answers even when we have discovered them for ourselves.
If we can live with this doubt, we can then be continually ready to be surprised- by life, by ourselves, by our answers, by our experience."
" To live in doubt is to live in mystery, to let it be large and vital in our lives. Human life is bigger than anything we can ever believe or understand about it.
This is why the doubt we are given in depression, is a gift and a great teaching."
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Happy Xmas Eve!!
We had a lovely time with my one and only local friend here and her family. Us adults got to (kind of) relax and eat and drink and all that good stuff us adults like to do.. while our children got to run around like little crack addicts wearing themselves out before the joys of Christmas morning overtakes them. A good time was had by all. Then Chris and I got to come home, rush kids into jammies and then into beds so we could play Santa for another year. This has become tradition.. the last minute dragging out gifts stashed in various places, that may take a few to remember all where, sitting around chatting and wrapping and talking about what is to come. Fortunately, our kiddos passed out like lights and were not heard nor seen! Santa has come and I am giddy with excitement for them tomorrow when they wake up. I have been told that on Christmas morning, opening presents in your pj's before brushing of teeth or eating of breakfast, or cleaning of house is what is done. Well, I didn't grow up with Christmas so I have no idea about this all. All I do know is that I live according to schedules and without those schedules forms chaos which I don't live well with so......... if it were up to me I would get the kids bathed and ready for the day before the whole present thing happened.. I'd also have the house cleaned so I could relax and be okay with sitting around taking pictures and smiling, laughing and helping to rip paper. Chris has said there will be NO baths first, NO cleaning, no nothing, Christmas first because that is what it is to be a kid on Christmas. Gosh, this is hard for me!!! But I guess I will get up super early to at least vacuum the house so at least I know the floor they are sitting on is clean lol. Okay, so maybe I have a sickness, wait.. I knew that.
May all of you have a very happy, merry, peaceful and fulfilling Christmas. I hope your day is spent with those you love, at least some of them. I would say I hope you get what you wanted but as we all know (us adults that is), this is not what Christmas is about. My joy lies in that of my childrens joy to be surprised and excited by things left under the tree for them that they've not asked for. This is my most favorite holiday not because of gifts, lord know that is stressful enough for us all. Not for receiveing gifts because I am not one to ask for things or care what I receive, but because I get to GIVE which I love more than anything, and I get to spend an entire day with my immediate family which happens only once a week normally, and my extended family who we are blessed to have.
I'm tired! and I must get to bed before small people will have me up much earlier than is healthy. ;)
Monday, December 22, 2008
Party and some stuff
okay so we had rye rye's bash yesterday and that was fun. i put so much mental (and some physical too) energy into that it seemed like i blinked, the kids were in bed and the day was done. as i look around at all the balloons and decorations covering the walls, i am saddened this is all life is, one moment in time and then it is gone- forever. that leads me back into dark places in my brain again that life is all one big waste of time. i mean, it is. i dont care what any of you 'believe' what you're doing here or where you're going afterwards. i believe we're all ending up in the same place after trying so hard to stay caught up while we're here...
i think it's important to let go of it all. one day it's here and the next it will be gone, so enjoy it while it's here because all we will have are memories. =( memories fade, and that is the real sad part.
last night i got sad, so sad i teared up some at the thought of my kids growing older. turning into different kids right before my eyes, only i'm too busy to notice until a photograph reminds me. and it is SO fast folks i mean. most of us spend our days doing unimportant things, things we HAVE to do to once again, get through this life to something we think waits for us on the other side. for me it's death, so what am i killing myself for now? lol. stop and enjoy every moment. this is my new focus. stop craving material things. simplify your lives. don't expend ANY energy on other people besides the ones that truly matter and are worth something so precious. worry when you have a reason to. don't envy. dont hate. hoping can be a good thing but not if when your hope turns into something unexpected, it lets you down. in that case, don't hope. just live with no expectations of what is to come. life happens as it should i believe and every day is just us turning another page over in each of our written books. i'm waiting to get to the REALLY good part. but for now, i am waking up to see what this day holds for me.
having said all of this, i am still sad to see the time go. it makes me feel old. it makes me think ahead (which isn't something good) of when my kids will be grown, i will be older and looking back fondly on these times that now, seem like one hell of stress. i dont want to be old. i dont want my kids to grow up. i am holding fast to my life as it is, although not perfect, hell even not ideal. im afraid to move past it. im afraid to be OLD. im afraid for my kids to leave me. i am afraid to lose my worth and be faced with my own demons that for now, i can easily stave off. i look for things to busy me, to distract me, and with the 4 kiddos you don't have to look far.
am i ready to do this all over again? no. but i still crave the brand new smell of a baby. the way you can snuggle and cuddle them as much as you want to without much protest. the way they fall asleep after a full belly. the way they cry as hard as their lungs allow, and even that isn't 'loud'. i miss being all they need. i miss being 'needed'. i miss all these moments that get clouded and then drowned out by all the sleepless, hormonal nightmarish nights that i don't miss. ;)
...
..
.
that's all for now. what you see is what you get. i'm not afraid to be honest. the food was good, the cake was too. i got alot of good pics of my little smurf and enjoyed being with family. one more piece of me has disappeared with another year.
He turned quite blue heehee, bath water did too!
i think it's important to let go of it all. one day it's here and the next it will be gone, so enjoy it while it's here because all we will have are memories. =( memories fade, and that is the real sad part.
last night i got sad, so sad i teared up some at the thought of my kids growing older. turning into different kids right before my eyes, only i'm too busy to notice until a photograph reminds me. and it is SO fast folks i mean. most of us spend our days doing unimportant things, things we HAVE to do to once again, get through this life to something we think waits for us on the other side. for me it's death, so what am i killing myself for now? lol. stop and enjoy every moment. this is my new focus. stop craving material things. simplify your lives. don't expend ANY energy on other people besides the ones that truly matter and are worth something so precious. worry when you have a reason to. don't envy. dont hate. hoping can be a good thing but not if when your hope turns into something unexpected, it lets you down. in that case, don't hope. just live with no expectations of what is to come. life happens as it should i believe and every day is just us turning another page over in each of our written books. i'm waiting to get to the REALLY good part. but for now, i am waking up to see what this day holds for me.
having said all of this, i am still sad to see the time go. it makes me feel old. it makes me think ahead (which isn't something good) of when my kids will be grown, i will be older and looking back fondly on these times that now, seem like one hell of stress. i dont want to be old. i dont want my kids to grow up. i am holding fast to my life as it is, although not perfect, hell even not ideal. im afraid to move past it. im afraid to be OLD. im afraid for my kids to leave me. i am afraid to lose my worth and be faced with my own demons that for now, i can easily stave off. i look for things to busy me, to distract me, and with the 4 kiddos you don't have to look far.
am i ready to do this all over again? no. but i still crave the brand new smell of a baby. the way you can snuggle and cuddle them as much as you want to without much protest. the way they fall asleep after a full belly. the way they cry as hard as their lungs allow, and even that isn't 'loud'. i miss being all they need. i miss being 'needed'. i miss all these moments that get clouded and then drowned out by all the sleepless, hormonal nightmarish nights that i don't miss. ;)
...
..
.
that's all for now. what you see is what you get. i'm not afraid to be honest. the food was good, the cake was too. i got alot of good pics of my little smurf and enjoyed being with family. one more piece of me has disappeared with another year.
He turned quite blue heehee, bath water did too!
YUMMY spinach lasagna that everyone loved, including baby Rye bear and his carnivorous father. ;)
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Thursday, December 18, 2008
I have a ONE YEAR OLD today.
And I'm not too excited about it. I could quite easily break down and cry that my life and those of my children are just running off alongside me and I can't catch up no matter how fast I run. =( We had a good day today, and good thing because he deserves it. =)
We took him to dinner, and for ice cream with just Mommy and Daddy because that is what we do in our family when birthdays roll around now. =) Sunday we'll throw his little celebration with just my Mom and Sis and our gang.. have cake, presents and lots of camera flashes. I want to make him a special dish he would like but I haven't figured out what.. he could live on cheese, he is a mouse. Bears don't eat cheese, maybe I should change his name.
Happy Birthday to the softest, sweetest teddy bear I will ever hold. You are golden. And I thank God he blessed us with you. We love you Rye.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Happy Birthday To you Chrissy Poo. =D
<3 How do I love thee let me count the ways <3
I figure now that you are quite old, you may need a reason for each year you've been here. ;) Oh, and also, I pretty much suck at telling you most days.. my emotions trapped behind a steel door sometimes. =(
1. You love me without conditions.
2. You think I'm beautiful when I think nothing of myself.
3. You are a very involved father (something HUGE to me).
4. You have grown into a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and selfless parent.
5. You work hard even for little at times.
6. You don't get 'mad' at much of anything at all- ever.
7. You let me make decisions that are important for me to make.
8. You are not controlling, you push me into doing things just for ME because you know I have a hard time doing so.
9. You don't let things get to you, you know how to let go.
10. You will embarass the whole clan of us in public if it will make one of the kids laugh.
11. You don't care what people think. This used to bother me but now I realize it's better than caring too much.
12. You fold laundry.
13. You will do about everything I ask you to, even if it means buying me tampons or Monistat lol.
14. You change diapers (sexy!).
15. You are an awesome cook.
16. You've learned what my standard of 'clean' is and you strive for it when you make a mess. ;)
17. You make me laugh.
18. You are never very serious (annoying mostly but sometimes I need it because I am serious enough for us all).
19. You have rough, scarred hands because you work hard for what we have, and I love them. =)
20. You share the complete chaos known as 'bedtime'.
21. You give really good hugs.
22. You've been an excellent labor 'coach' for our 3 babies.
23. You aren't afraid to cry.
24. You fix just about anything (and it works!).
25. You put our children first.
26. You put the optimism in our life.
27. You are fun to be around.
28. You consider and treat me as though I am your wife, even without a piece of paper.
Happy 28 Chrissy =D I am still waiting impatiently for the big 30 hehe.
I love you. I am happy we have grown more together in the last year and a half than we have in the previous 4. The trials of life have been testing us, and we have passed the test. You drive me nuts at times, but I'm still here. ;) I see more fun and unexpected years ahead, and I look forward to them, with you.
I figure now that you are quite old, you may need a reason for each year you've been here. ;) Oh, and also, I pretty much suck at telling you most days.. my emotions trapped behind a steel door sometimes. =(
1. You love me without conditions.
2. You think I'm beautiful when I think nothing of myself.
3. You are a very involved father (something HUGE to me).
4. You have grown into a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and selfless parent.
5. You work hard even for little at times.
6. You don't get 'mad' at much of anything at all- ever.
7. You let me make decisions that are important for me to make.
8. You are not controlling, you push me into doing things just for ME because you know I have a hard time doing so.
9. You don't let things get to you, you know how to let go.
10. You will embarass the whole clan of us in public if it will make one of the kids laugh.
11. You don't care what people think. This used to bother me but now I realize it's better than caring too much.
12. You fold laundry.
13. You will do about everything I ask you to, even if it means buying me tampons or Monistat lol.
14. You change diapers (sexy!).
15. You are an awesome cook.
16. You've learned what my standard of 'clean' is and you strive for it when you make a mess. ;)
17. You make me laugh.
18. You are never very serious (annoying mostly but sometimes I need it because I am serious enough for us all).
19. You have rough, scarred hands because you work hard for what we have, and I love them. =)
20. You share the complete chaos known as 'bedtime'.
21. You give really good hugs.
22. You've been an excellent labor 'coach' for our 3 babies.
23. You aren't afraid to cry.
24. You fix just about anything (and it works!).
25. You put our children first.
26. You put the optimism in our life.
27. You are fun to be around.
28. You consider and treat me as though I am your wife, even without a piece of paper.
Happy 28 Chrissy =D I am still waiting impatiently for the big 30 hehe.
I love you. I am happy we have grown more together in the last year and a half than we have in the previous 4. The trials of life have been testing us, and we have passed the test. You drive me nuts at times, but I'm still here. ;) I see more fun and unexpected years ahead, and I look forward to them, with you.
Happy Birthday!!
To Uncle "Mikey Beans"!!!!!!!! =D We love you and wish we saw you more often. Hope your day is FUN!
Monday, December 15, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
(yesterday) To my one and only sister. I love and miss you and I can't wait to see you this weekend!!
*cupcake smiles* =D
*cupcake smiles* =D
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Shot on the Spot
*this is my happy face*
1) Take a picture of yourself right NOW!
2) DON'T change your clothes, DON'T fix your hair... Just take a picture.
3) Post that picture with NO editing.
4) Post these instructions with your picture.
5)Tag 10 people to do this..On your mark, get set and GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
new ideas
so, i've been concentrating some of my mental (and physical) energy in trying to deck the house out in christmas stuff. i've aquired some cute things from http://freecycle.org/. thanks freecycle! and have saved some money in decorations! well, more like saved me from being super bummed we can't make our house look like it's christmas because i have no money to do so! normally, we have a tree and do lights, a wreath and that's about it. well, it's become my new obsession to collect everything i possibly can to go all out for christmas each year. this is my most favorite time of year weatherwise, so naturally christmas became my most favorite holiday also. i could care less about the rest really, so besides a couple little things for halloween and whatnot.. the kids and i will be looking forward to christmas even more! this year i got the girl's a tree and well i'd say the boy's but rye isn't sharing the room that is now jude's yet, but will soon be both of theirs... so jude's got his own tree too! if i can manage to save any money this month (christmas and 2 birthdays just in our own family circle alone this month), i will try to buy some clearance items for the coming year. i'm not holding my breath though. ;)
The front door is actually the most important part of the house. It is the point where energy enters into the home. It is the symbolic point for opportunities to come into your life. So by having a red front door you are bringing high energy into that area. However, that does not mean that you have to go and paint the front door red. You can simply put some red by the door, which would achieve the same object. Some red flowers by the door, for example, or some red in a wreath on the door, or a welcome mat would work. This would bring the same energy as a red door."
In China, it's tradition to paint the front door red before the new year, to invite good luck and happiness.
In Catholocism, the red door on a chapel symbolized the blood of christ, and other martyrs, to signify that the ground beyond the door (inside the church) was holy, and a sanctuary from physical and spiritual evils.
In Ireland, front doors are painted red to ward-off ghosts and evil spirits.
Soooo.. I thought it very interesting to read that after my unknown obsession with doing it. and since chris wouldn't buy me any red paint today, i went and painted it white (it's already white), just to make it look decent enough to put a wreath on.. but needless to say, my next project will be a red door on my house. i plan to pick and buy my shade this week! i will post that pic when it's done too. =)
amidst all of this 'newness' going on, it has been very refreshing and maybe a bit distracting.. or just refreshing? for my mind. yesterday in talking to chris about a project i wanted to do with our pumpkins from halloween (once that is completed and if it looks like it should, i'll post pics), i got this bug up my butt to paint our front door RED. i don't know why exactly, but i couldn't shake the desire to do this. chris of course immediately shot the idea down.. but i kept pressing.. well, cause that's what i do. i brought it back up today and he is no warmer to the idea but just because he feels like he is going to get stuck with a repaint job, should i (or when i ) become bored. men always think like that don't they? "hmm, how could this turn into more work for ME?". well i had mentioned the idea to a friend of mine, who also said she loves red doors and then she sent me this info.. at which i of course, did some more reading because it intrigued me so..
The front door is actually the most important part of the house. It is the point where energy enters into the home. It is the symbolic point for opportunities to come into your life. So by having a red front door you are bringing high energy into that area. However, that does not mean that you have to go and paint the front door red. You can simply put some red by the door, which would achieve the same object. Some red flowers by the door, for example, or some red in a wreath on the door, or a welcome mat would work. This would bring the same energy as a red door."
In China, it's tradition to paint the front door red before the new year, to invite good luck and happiness.
In Catholocism, the red door on a chapel symbolized the blood of christ, and other martyrs, to signify that the ground beyond the door (inside the church) was holy, and a sanctuary from physical and spiritual evils.
In Ireland, front doors are painted red to ward-off ghosts and evil spirits.
Soooo.. I thought it very interesting to read that after my unknown obsession with doing it. and since chris wouldn't buy me any red paint today, i went and painted it white (it's already white), just to make it look decent enough to put a wreath on.. but needless to say, my next project will be a red door on my house. i plan to pick and buy my shade this week! i will post that pic when it's done too. =)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
always changing
as much as it seems our life is unchanging, my feelings about it are. today, i feel a sense of approaching a place of acceptation. there can be good and about about that place i think. good in the fact that you have learned what your place is here on earth, at this time, and it may not be where you think you should be, or that it's even fair, but it doesn't change what is. bad in that, sometimes learning to accept, means learning to stop trying to change something. also, it's good to remember that there is absolutely nothing in this life that is permanent, nothing at all. life is just a cycle. this (just now) made me think of a book i began reading years ago.. while in another depression and so i (just now) went and grabbed it off the bookshelf beside me to read some. I never finished reading it back then, but it is hitting me in the face where i am in my life right now. i think it's time i finish it. =)
"all things are impermanent.. everything put together falls apart."
"like washing a clod of dirt in muddy water." "still our practice is to go on, right in the midst of hopelessness."
"We want to have the things that give us pleasure remain as they are. Indeed, we want our very selves to remain constant. But this truth of impermanence tells us not only that nothing lasts forever, but that nothing remains the same. The world around us, and we ourselves, are changing from moment to moment. Death is nothing but a more drastic change in a world where everything is changing anyway."
"We would like to feel that we stand on solid ground, that there is constancy, certainty and permanence that can support us. But if we choose to try to depend on such constancy, we are left standing on air."
"Standing atop a hundred-foot pole, take one step forward." Impermanence is that hundred-foot pole. Or, rather our attachment and desire for permanence is the hundred-foot pole we remain tethered to, afraid to move. It is what keeps our lives small and confined, no larger than the top of the pole.
"We can step forward into that world of impermanence. Who knows? Rather than falling, we may find a new freedom. We may fall into the beauty of impermanence.
Every gardener knows that it is the very impermanence of the blossoms that makes them precious. The beauty of the garden lies in it's constantly changing nature, in the waves of colors and shapes that are constantly moving through it.
The beauty of the world lies in the same constant movement. We can step into this beauty, into the midst of all that is dying and being born around us."
"all things are impermanent.. everything put together falls apart."
"like washing a clod of dirt in muddy water." "still our practice is to go on, right in the midst of hopelessness."
"We want to have the things that give us pleasure remain as they are. Indeed, we want our very selves to remain constant. But this truth of impermanence tells us not only that nothing lasts forever, but that nothing remains the same. The world around us, and we ourselves, are changing from moment to moment. Death is nothing but a more drastic change in a world where everything is changing anyway."
"We would like to feel that we stand on solid ground, that there is constancy, certainty and permanence that can support us. But if we choose to try to depend on such constancy, we are left standing on air."
"Standing atop a hundred-foot pole, take one step forward." Impermanence is that hundred-foot pole. Or, rather our attachment and desire for permanence is the hundred-foot pole we remain tethered to, afraid to move. It is what keeps our lives small and confined, no larger than the top of the pole.
"We can step forward into that world of impermanence. Who knows? Rather than falling, we may find a new freedom. We may fall into the beauty of impermanence.
Every gardener knows that it is the very impermanence of the blossoms that makes them precious. The beauty of the garden lies in it's constantly changing nature, in the waves of colors and shapes that are constantly moving through it.
The beauty of the world lies in the same constant movement. We can step into this beauty, into the midst of all that is dying and being born around us."
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Zzz
So the past couple of days I've been sleeping REALLY deeply. I am the lightest sleeper I know besides 2 of my kids so this is quite unusual for me. I still hear Rye, so he is good at waking me up at least once a night to nurse. I am supposed to get up at 6:45 every morning well, today I never heard my alarm, any alarm at all and Chris's went off twice! So it was he who woke me up at 7, ahhhhh! I need those 15 mins to beat the other 2 to the one bathroom we have. But oh well, hopefully that was just a fluke and I won't not hear the alarm every morning. Besides the fact of needing to get up in the morning, the better sleeping thing is MUCH needed by me. A side effect of the St. Johns? Maybe... At any rate, I'm long overdue, so I'll take it!
Does St. John's wort extract negatively affect sleep like other antidepressant agents?
No. While antidepressant drugs, particularly tricyclic antidepressants and MAO inhibitors, interfere with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and reduce sleep quality, St. John's wort has been shown to not interfere with REM sleep and to actually improve sleep quality and well-being.19 The ability to improve sleep quality may turn out to be a key mechanism of action for St. John's wort extract. It does not act as a sedative (i.e., it does not reduce sleep onset) nor does it change total sleep duration. It simply improves sleep quality. St. John's wort accomplishes this when given in divided dosages throughout the day (e.g., 300 mg three times daily).
Does St. John's wort extract negatively affect sleep like other antidepressant agents?
No. While antidepressant drugs, particularly tricyclic antidepressants and MAO inhibitors, interfere with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and reduce sleep quality, St. John's wort has been shown to not interfere with REM sleep and to actually improve sleep quality and well-being.19 The ability to improve sleep quality may turn out to be a key mechanism of action for St. John's wort extract. It does not act as a sedative (i.e., it does not reduce sleep onset) nor does it change total sleep duration. It simply improves sleep quality. St. John's wort accomplishes this when given in divided dosages throughout the day (e.g., 300 mg three times daily).
Monday, December 1, 2008
Day 3
on my quest for happiness.
HA HA. totally kidding.
but, it is day 3 since i've started taking st. johns wort. i have high hopes this will work well for me, it's no sissy herb! i took it years ago during a very stressful and traumatic time in my life.. custody battles etc.. as much stress as i've got now, that tops it.. and it took the edge off what i was going through. it is said to work for mild to moderately severe depression, which i know i fall between. it's said to rival that of some of your commonly prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, that's what we need! here is some more info on it in case you're interested.. i'll post as time goes on and my experience with it's effectiveneess in my particular situation. I should start to notice some effects in 2 weeks time, but of course not feel the full effects for 6-8 wks.
St. John's wort ( Hypericum perforatum ), once thought to rid the body of evil spirits, has a history of medicinal use dating back to ancient Greece, where it was used to treat a range of illnesses, including various 'nervous conditions.' St. John's wort also has antibacterial and antiviral properties and, because of its anti-inflammatory properties, has been used to help heal wounds and burns.
In recent years, there has been renewed interest in St. John's wort as a treatment for depression and there has been a great deal of scientific research on this topic. St. John's wort is one of the most commonly purchased herbal products in the United States. Because St. John's wort interacts with a wide variety of medications, it is important to take it only under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about herbal medicines.
Depression
In numerous studies, St. John's wort has been effective in reducing depressive symptoms in those with mild to moderate but not severe (called major) depression. When compared with tricyclic anti-depressants (medication frequently prescribed for this condition) such as imipramine, amitriptyline, doxepin, desipramine, and nortriptyline, St. John's wort is equally effective, and has fewer side effects. This also appears to be true for another well known class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) including fluoxetine and sertraline
More can be found here:
http://www.doctormurray.com/articles/worteditorial.htm
HA HA. totally kidding.
but, it is day 3 since i've started taking st. johns wort. i have high hopes this will work well for me, it's no sissy herb! i took it years ago during a very stressful and traumatic time in my life.. custody battles etc.. as much stress as i've got now, that tops it.. and it took the edge off what i was going through. it is said to work for mild to moderately severe depression, which i know i fall between. it's said to rival that of some of your commonly prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, that's what we need! here is some more info on it in case you're interested.. i'll post as time goes on and my experience with it's effectiveneess in my particular situation. I should start to notice some effects in 2 weeks time, but of course not feel the full effects for 6-8 wks.
St. John's wort ( Hypericum perforatum ), once thought to rid the body of evil spirits, has a history of medicinal use dating back to ancient Greece, where it was used to treat a range of illnesses, including various 'nervous conditions.' St. John's wort also has antibacterial and antiviral properties and, because of its anti-inflammatory properties, has been used to help heal wounds and burns.
In recent years, there has been renewed interest in St. John's wort as a treatment for depression and there has been a great deal of scientific research on this topic. St. John's wort is one of the most commonly purchased herbal products in the United States. Because St. John's wort interacts with a wide variety of medications, it is important to take it only under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about herbal medicines.
Depression
In numerous studies, St. John's wort has been effective in reducing depressive symptoms in those with mild to moderate but not severe (called major) depression. When compared with tricyclic anti-depressants (medication frequently prescribed for this condition) such as imipramine, amitriptyline, doxepin, desipramine, and nortriptyline, St. John's wort is equally effective, and has fewer side effects. This also appears to be true for another well known class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) including fluoxetine and sertraline
More can be found here:
http://www.doctormurray.com/articles/worteditorial.htm
Saturday, November 29, 2008
in a nutshell
ive come to the realization i need medical help for my depression. problem? i have no insurance, no money to buy insurance and of course no money to see a dr without insurance. see that cycle? that is how everything in my life runs, in that damn circle.
apparently the governor here has passed a new low cost health ins plan that should take effect the beginning of next year. how or when i will be able to apply for it is a mystery, but im waiting.
i can no longer carry this burden around with me anymore and function as a mother.. let alone just a normal functioning adult. all i do in life anymore is go through the motions, i don't enjoy it, i dont enjoy much of anything, yet i can fight back the tears at all the things that could be better, and refuse to get that way. sure, i have good days. they last usually an entire day and then i have a couple really bad ones to follow it. those good days, i have energy, i feel a sense of optimism yet have no tangible reason for it, it's just that i wake up that way. the rest of the week is more of the bad stuff. i wake up, i hit repeat and i begin the daily struggle that is my life. i dont want to live this way anymore, because im missing out on daily miracles which are my kids. ive tried and tried and i cannot get out of this rut for any length of time to get any clarity or any mental strength to get even a few steps higher than where i am.
its not easy being a mom, but it shouldnt be this hard. its this hard because i have no patience, my nerves are shot, my head is thinking on how we are going to get to next week so i cant even enjoy the moment for what it is- even thought that is all any of us really have. i can no longer be happy for anyone else that has good things in their life. i spend my time feeling envious of them, because everything about my life has to just suck so much. its been this way for so long! this isnt like a couple bad months. between carrying the weight of money issues, health issues i cannot address because i dont know what they are past knowing something isn't right.. battling the health issues, battling the anxiety eating at me and the depression. i dont even have time to get to just being a good mom, taking care of the house, all the freaking animals i wish we didnt have, and that add greatly to my load of daily work. i want to hide but i cant. i want to run away from everyone, but i cant. most days i feel completely alone and without hope, no light waiting for me at the end of a hard day- nothingness. this feeling scares me because it makes me not want to keep trying, yet i will keep trying because my kids need me.. but feeling that way, just makes me cry. unless youve been where i am, you will not understand why you cant just chin up, look at the good stuff youve got and shake it off. no, when you can't find the ways in which to do that, you are left floundering all by yourself. i dont have a support system, i dont have real friends that i can reach out to or hug or go sit and have a talk with. and i think being 31 without friends is highly abnormal really, but it is what it is. chris tells me i am not alone, he will always be here with me, and yes i know he will.. but it's not the same. i am grateful for him yes, and he could very well end up being my best friend because i don't have much else besides our kids. but as most women know, having even one woman in your life to be by your side, understand things the men in our lives dont, there's no replicating it. and oddly enough, on my very worst of days, it seems no one i try to talk to is on the other end. i dont know what that should tell me, or shouldnt tell me. it just makes the pit in my gut deeper.
i do want to reach out but there is nothing to reach out for, so i find myself going inward again. i briefly researched st johns wort last night and i am going to start taking it, in hopes it helps in some way. ive always been prone to depression my entire life. i suffered from PPD after i had emma. i went to the dr then and at that time, they wouldn't give me anything while nursing, even st johns wort so i just went home and sucked it up. i was so scared i would have it worse with the other kids but it wasn't bad at all. i had a hard time after elsha but i got out of it. alot of is due to the circumstances in our life that are unchanging i know, and some of it maybe is not, i really have no way of knowing. i just want to be happy and there is no magic pill for that i am well aware. i have the tools to get through many things that have been and could be thrown at me, but i guess i am just tired, im tired of fighting it all or maybe ive exhausted all that strength i once had, i have no answers.
am i grateful for what i DO have? dont even think for a second i do not know what i have that is good.. my kids come to mind first and their health. i KNOW there are people worse off than i am. people that are homeless, or dying or their kids are ill come to mind. i am grateful we still have a roof even if it is far too small, but it doesnt take away that i am pissed off about everything else. and i dont think its fair to ask me not to be either. i dont need the pep talks, because believe you me, when my life didnt suck as bad, i gave a mean pep talk too. come talk to me when your life has been turned upside down and you have no security in anything. when everything youve looked forward to, worked towards or wanted was nothing more than smoke in mirrors. come talk to me then and tell me how you got through it.
apparently the governor here has passed a new low cost health ins plan that should take effect the beginning of next year. how or when i will be able to apply for it is a mystery, but im waiting.
i can no longer carry this burden around with me anymore and function as a mother.. let alone just a normal functioning adult. all i do in life anymore is go through the motions, i don't enjoy it, i dont enjoy much of anything, yet i can fight back the tears at all the things that could be better, and refuse to get that way. sure, i have good days. they last usually an entire day and then i have a couple really bad ones to follow it. those good days, i have energy, i feel a sense of optimism yet have no tangible reason for it, it's just that i wake up that way. the rest of the week is more of the bad stuff. i wake up, i hit repeat and i begin the daily struggle that is my life. i dont want to live this way anymore, because im missing out on daily miracles which are my kids. ive tried and tried and i cannot get out of this rut for any length of time to get any clarity or any mental strength to get even a few steps higher than where i am.
its not easy being a mom, but it shouldnt be this hard. its this hard because i have no patience, my nerves are shot, my head is thinking on how we are going to get to next week so i cant even enjoy the moment for what it is- even thought that is all any of us really have. i can no longer be happy for anyone else that has good things in their life. i spend my time feeling envious of them, because everything about my life has to just suck so much. its been this way for so long! this isnt like a couple bad months. between carrying the weight of money issues, health issues i cannot address because i dont know what they are past knowing something isn't right.. battling the health issues, battling the anxiety eating at me and the depression. i dont even have time to get to just being a good mom, taking care of the house, all the freaking animals i wish we didnt have, and that add greatly to my load of daily work. i want to hide but i cant. i want to run away from everyone, but i cant. most days i feel completely alone and without hope, no light waiting for me at the end of a hard day- nothingness. this feeling scares me because it makes me not want to keep trying, yet i will keep trying because my kids need me.. but feeling that way, just makes me cry. unless youve been where i am, you will not understand why you cant just chin up, look at the good stuff youve got and shake it off. no, when you can't find the ways in which to do that, you are left floundering all by yourself. i dont have a support system, i dont have real friends that i can reach out to or hug or go sit and have a talk with. and i think being 31 without friends is highly abnormal really, but it is what it is. chris tells me i am not alone, he will always be here with me, and yes i know he will.. but it's not the same. i am grateful for him yes, and he could very well end up being my best friend because i don't have much else besides our kids. but as most women know, having even one woman in your life to be by your side, understand things the men in our lives dont, there's no replicating it. and oddly enough, on my very worst of days, it seems no one i try to talk to is on the other end. i dont know what that should tell me, or shouldnt tell me. it just makes the pit in my gut deeper.
i do want to reach out but there is nothing to reach out for, so i find myself going inward again. i briefly researched st johns wort last night and i am going to start taking it, in hopes it helps in some way. ive always been prone to depression my entire life. i suffered from PPD after i had emma. i went to the dr then and at that time, they wouldn't give me anything while nursing, even st johns wort so i just went home and sucked it up. i was so scared i would have it worse with the other kids but it wasn't bad at all. i had a hard time after elsha but i got out of it. alot of is due to the circumstances in our life that are unchanging i know, and some of it maybe is not, i really have no way of knowing. i just want to be happy and there is no magic pill for that i am well aware. i have the tools to get through many things that have been and could be thrown at me, but i guess i am just tired, im tired of fighting it all or maybe ive exhausted all that strength i once had, i have no answers.
am i grateful for what i DO have? dont even think for a second i do not know what i have that is good.. my kids come to mind first and their health. i KNOW there are people worse off than i am. people that are homeless, or dying or their kids are ill come to mind. i am grateful we still have a roof even if it is far too small, but it doesnt take away that i am pissed off about everything else. and i dont think its fair to ask me not to be either. i dont need the pep talks, because believe you me, when my life didnt suck as bad, i gave a mean pep talk too. come talk to me when your life has been turned upside down and you have no security in anything. when everything youve looked forward to, worked towards or wanted was nothing more than smoke in mirrors. come talk to me then and tell me how you got through it.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
happy happy turkey day (except for the turkey)
2 days ago our usual thanksgiving plans changed, and we decided on a whim to do it here with our quaint family. ;) so for the first time EVER in all my 31 yrs, we had a thanksgiving at home. it was stressful at first and i thought everything would go wrong, but in the end it was so much fun! and even better, the food rocked! chris made our turkey and besides a little help from mrs. stove top by way of cornbread stuffing, i made the rest. =) i just wish the kids liked to eat.. because well, besides the bread product, they did not. i am looking forward to doing this again. i don't know that this will become the tradition here.. because we do like to go to Nana's house but this year it was not at her house. that is where i've gone for the last hmm like 11 years so it was sad to break the streak but it also felt good to have something special, that we worked hard on for just our family.
a table would have made it perfect and i have it in my head to somehow, some way get one because i really want to eat as a family EVERY night. but as most of you know, the 'dining room' doesn't really exist even without the giant dog crates in the way. BUT, we could make it work... i think. anyhow, just something else to work on, cause i really want it! (which means i will most likely get it, somehow, some way ;))
i had to take pics of our first thanksgiving meal as a family of 6. once i have 3 more kids actually EATING, this may get more difficult!
i hope you had a wonderful day and meal with those that you love.
i hope you had a wonderful day and meal with those that you love.
crock pot garlic smashed taters!
dinner rolls (dough by way of my snazzy bread machine!)these are sooooooooo good. i will be making them lots!
turkae (only had a very small piece ha, me and meat aren't close)
pumpkin cream cheese pie! (again, i tasted it and it is AWESOME), i need to eat a whole piece already!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
umm
Who says I wanna? Cause if you're asking and not just assuming... assuming there is a heaven, I don't.
I will be most happy living a fulfilling life and dying a peaceful death when my time is up. If you know where I live, please don't come to my door. =)
These people should be fined for wasting paper.
;)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
i'm getting good at appreciating
remember when i said i was grateful for the goodwill that opened back up? were you paying attention? so, my friend and i went on down there sunday to look for dress up things for one of el's xmas gifts. well, we didn't find anything for that.. and as a sidenote, apparently in this economy crisis even the thrift stores have raised their prices, i'm seriously digusted at the price of VERY USED AND ABUSED clothing. now $4 for a kids outfit or shirt or whatever might be cheap to YOU, but for us cheap folks stretching a penny, that is NOT a bargain for something that is decent enough to play in the backyard. i buy 99% of my kid's clothes on clearance at target or walmart (if necessary), and i do not spend that much for NEW clothes! i'm truly apalled and needless to say, will not be shopping there for that kind of thing. nothing i saw was a bargain really.. well except THIS!
So i walked out of there completely elated that after all my hoping for a bread machine, i finally found one in my budget and in such good shape. i had gotten one off of freecycle the week before and wow, that thing needed to retire.. so it did, to my curb. this new baby looked almost brand new if not for some tarnishing on the stainless which i cleaned up as best i could. the inside is flawless, it had a window and a timer which the other didn't and that i wanted in a machine, and also makes a 2 lb loaf that we need with this bread inhaling family i call my own. i tested it out yesterday and it did an EXCELLENT job. everyone loved the bread! even baby rye who sat making his yummy eating sounds 'mm mmm mm' while looking around for more toast. i am more excited that i spent $5.99 and this is going to save us alot of money on bread!!!!!!!!!
sometimes things work out.. it doesn't happen often for me/us so i guess in a way, im blessed because when they do, i am more grateful than someone would be who always has things go right.
So i walked out of there completely elated that after all my hoping for a bread machine, i finally found one in my budget and in such good shape. i had gotten one off of freecycle the week before and wow, that thing needed to retire.. so it did, to my curb. this new baby looked almost brand new if not for some tarnishing on the stainless which i cleaned up as best i could. the inside is flawless, it had a window and a timer which the other didn't and that i wanted in a machine, and also makes a 2 lb loaf that we need with this bread inhaling family i call my own. i tested it out yesterday and it did an EXCELLENT job. everyone loved the bread! even baby rye who sat making his yummy eating sounds 'mm mmm mm' while looking around for more toast. i am more excited that i spent $5.99 and this is going to save us alot of money on bread!!!!!!!!!
sometimes things work out.. it doesn't happen often for me/us so i guess in a way, im blessed because when they do, i am more grateful than someone would be who always has things go right.
grateful day 2
yea so i skipped a few days, life is busy HAHA, thats the understatement.
1. im grateful gas prices continue to decrease.. although one still needs $ to put said cheap gas into one's vehicle, darn.
2. im grateful i've lost a couple more pounds, because that at least means i'm not too old and my metabolism hasn't crapped out on me- yet. though my milk supply is not happy with this.. so i am trying to eat more.
3. i'm grateful that even though all 4 of my kids are sick (AGAIN), chris too.. i'm not- yet.
4. im grateful it's getting cold in florida because cold makes me think of happier times.
1. im grateful gas prices continue to decrease.. although one still needs $ to put said cheap gas into one's vehicle, darn.
2. im grateful i've lost a couple more pounds, because that at least means i'm not too old and my metabolism hasn't crapped out on me- yet. though my milk supply is not happy with this.. so i am trying to eat more.
3. i'm grateful that even though all 4 of my kids are sick (AGAIN), chris too.. i'm not- yet.
4. im grateful it's getting cold in florida because cold makes me think of happier times.
i need to begin with a vent before i get to being grateful.
as you know times are tough. you know times are tough when your husband/fiance/partner/boyfriend person spends any free time applying at every place he drives by or can find online with an application, does this for months on end and yet hears nothing. you know times are tough when your last resort is to apply to work at mcdonalds and yet still, you hear nothing. when you can't get a job at mcdonalds, you know the world is in bad shape. chris is depressed and most of the time he hides it well, heck we are all depressed. but it's very hard to keep myself going let alone lift up someone else.. when i dont even know how on earth im supposed to. i tried the, 'well, thinking negatively isnt helping either but its just making everyone around you miserable so why not think positively', yea, well that doesnt help me either but i still say it to him. then the 'things have to get better- eventually'. what is that really? i mean its just empty words with an unknown amount of truth. trying as you might is not going to pay our bills! and they dont care that no one wants to buy cars and put stuff in cars and spend their $ on anything that is going to help chris make money so we can pay them. so now what? we don't have any answers at all. and that is a very hopeless feeling. hopelessness is one of the worst feelings to experience besides loss. .. which also contains a degree of hopelessness and loss of control in everything you know. i like nothing about any of those things and it's enough to eat you away to the point it ultimately, somewhere down that road of hopelessness.. will kill you.
so i'll start by saying if you are lucky enough to be able to continue to pay your mortgages, feed your kids and all those basic necessities we should all have the means of doing.. better yet if you have any extra money to pay for things you dont NEED to survive... then get down on your knees and thank your god, because you may not be able to tomorrow. easy to slip into a permanant way of thinking when things are going well. but it can all be taken in a moments time just like it was for us.
we are staying strong as a unit despite. when life is at it's worst, we seem to just get better growing together for the same goal. i guess that is a positive thing. and we both believe that yes, everything does have it's reason for happening, regardless of how tragic the event.. you find out why in time. so we fall back on that often and have seen it play out right in front of our eyes.
i can still find things i am grateful for
but i am no less scared of our reality.
as you know times are tough. you know times are tough when your husband/fiance/partner/boyfriend person spends any free time applying at every place he drives by or can find online with an application, does this for months on end and yet hears nothing. you know times are tough when your last resort is to apply to work at mcdonalds and yet still, you hear nothing. when you can't get a job at mcdonalds, you know the world is in bad shape. chris is depressed and most of the time he hides it well, heck we are all depressed. but it's very hard to keep myself going let alone lift up someone else.. when i dont even know how on earth im supposed to. i tried the, 'well, thinking negatively isnt helping either but its just making everyone around you miserable so why not think positively', yea, well that doesnt help me either but i still say it to him. then the 'things have to get better- eventually'. what is that really? i mean its just empty words with an unknown amount of truth. trying as you might is not going to pay our bills! and they dont care that no one wants to buy cars and put stuff in cars and spend their $ on anything that is going to help chris make money so we can pay them. so now what? we don't have any answers at all. and that is a very hopeless feeling. hopelessness is one of the worst feelings to experience besides loss. .. which also contains a degree of hopelessness and loss of control in everything you know. i like nothing about any of those things and it's enough to eat you away to the point it ultimately, somewhere down that road of hopelessness.. will kill you.
so i'll start by saying if you are lucky enough to be able to continue to pay your mortgages, feed your kids and all those basic necessities we should all have the means of doing.. better yet if you have any extra money to pay for things you dont NEED to survive... then get down on your knees and thank your god, because you may not be able to tomorrow. easy to slip into a permanant way of thinking when things are going well. but it can all be taken in a moments time just like it was for us.
we are staying strong as a unit despite. when life is at it's worst, we seem to just get better growing together for the same goal. i guess that is a positive thing. and we both believe that yes, everything does have it's reason for happening, regardless of how tragic the event.. you find out why in time. so we fall back on that often and have seen it play out right in front of our eyes.
i can still find things i am grateful for
but i am no less scared of our reality.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The last launch
Or so they say. They've scrubbed the shuttle program here in FL, which could spell disaster for the economy here if this new thing in the works doesn't pan out. Just what we need, more bad news!
Anyhow, Jude thinks rockets are cool so we stepped outside to watch this possibly historic moment. Oh and Emma's school was chosen out of our county to send all the kid's signatures up with it. So that's kinda neat too. =)
Anyhow, Jude thinks rockets are cool so we stepped outside to watch this possibly historic moment. Oh and Emma's school was chosen out of our county to send all the kid's signatures up with it. So that's kinda neat too. =)
All is not lost
because of my mental state as of late, i have decided that i NEED to force myself into thinking positively, even if for a brief moment each day and this is why i will start posting each day what i am grateful for that day or that moment. i know i talk about a lot of things going wrong, being depressed and the like. it is because things DO keep going wrong and i AM quite depressed, and i find it a constant struggle to pull myself out of this funk i quickly keep slipping back into. even if it would seem i can no longer find the light in my life, i will force myself to find it and hold onto those times i do, because they are few and far between anymore. they give me a quick feeling of peace to rest my heart and head for even a few minutes, which i desperately need.
it's very hard to live in this life as we know it. it's even harder when everyone around me seems to be doing so much better than i am, it makes it harder to lift my head back up each day but i must, for my 4 kids and the quality of their life, i must. and today i will try to help myself by starting this and hope it becomes a habit, to not only find the good things in my life and remember to come here and post them, but even look for those things every chance i get.
today i am grateful for...
the Goodwill that has opened back up across from Target where I was today. all the thrift stores/donation spots around here have closed up for whatever reason and it was a real shame. i've never been a big frequenter of those places, but i also didn't have as many money troubles as i do now. i didn't use to be very conscious to pass things down or reuse when possible, i've changed over the years.. for the better i'd like to think. i got really excited to see the windows full of stuff since i had planned to look for some dress up things for elsha for christmas, somewhere.. and had to keep it affordable. maybe one day i can look for clothes for me too since i really have nothing acceptable to wear in public, which admittedly hasn't stopped me.
i'm grateful for the sweet little comments my stink of a 2 yr old daughter makes in the middle of her rotten day... she has sweet times in between MOSTLY every day. when she isn't belting out the high screams that i swear could break glass, or 'decorating' my van with a cheerio shower. we were crossing a big bridge over the river that leads to the island where target lies... she loved looking at the water out the windows and then got even more excited 'momma wook a ship!' i love when she so innocently is just elsha, just enjoying being 2 and all the little things in life that are exciting, new and bring you happiness.
i'm grateful for the one tangible friend i have where i live so that on the rare occasion (probably annually) we can dump our kids with our fellas and go have adult girl time, which we are planning on this wknd. i know my sanity can use the breather, hers too and maybe i can return with a little more patience for my monsters.. and a little more clarity about things in general.
being a full time mommy/housekeeper/cook/animal caretaker/bus driver/shopper/milk cow...
get's pretty darn tiring. no paying job i've ever had, could hold a candle to it.
well..
it's a good start.
it's very hard to live in this life as we know it. it's even harder when everyone around me seems to be doing so much better than i am, it makes it harder to lift my head back up each day but i must, for my 4 kids and the quality of their life, i must. and today i will try to help myself by starting this and hope it becomes a habit, to not only find the good things in my life and remember to come here and post them, but even look for those things every chance i get.
today i am grateful for...
the Goodwill that has opened back up across from Target where I was today. all the thrift stores/donation spots around here have closed up for whatever reason and it was a real shame. i've never been a big frequenter of those places, but i also didn't have as many money troubles as i do now. i didn't use to be very conscious to pass things down or reuse when possible, i've changed over the years.. for the better i'd like to think. i got really excited to see the windows full of stuff since i had planned to look for some dress up things for elsha for christmas, somewhere.. and had to keep it affordable. maybe one day i can look for clothes for me too since i really have nothing acceptable to wear in public, which admittedly hasn't stopped me.
i'm grateful for the sweet little comments my stink of a 2 yr old daughter makes in the middle of her rotten day... she has sweet times in between MOSTLY every day. when she isn't belting out the high screams that i swear could break glass, or 'decorating' my van with a cheerio shower. we were crossing a big bridge over the river that leads to the island where target lies... she loved looking at the water out the windows and then got even more excited 'momma wook a ship!' i love when she so innocently is just elsha, just enjoying being 2 and all the little things in life that are exciting, new and bring you happiness.
i'm grateful for the one tangible friend i have where i live so that on the rare occasion (probably annually) we can dump our kids with our fellas and go have adult girl time, which we are planning on this wknd. i know my sanity can use the breather, hers too and maybe i can return with a little more patience for my monsters.. and a little more clarity about things in general.
being a full time mommy/housekeeper/cook/animal caretaker/bus driver/shopper/milk cow...
get's pretty darn tiring. no paying job i've ever had, could hold a candle to it.
well..
it's a good start.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
it's exhausting
being human. i am convinced i was not meant to be born this way and be living here. maybe i shoulda been an animal, anything but not what i am and where i have to live. i don't understand anyone and they don't understand me. i've always felt this way, so it's not like an epiphany or anything spurring this entry.
just more thinking like i always do in passing, or between cleaning something else. i get down too often. down about the entire big picture of life and all it's purpose and all it's waste of time. i never understood the point in it at all. just one big roller coaster ride you eventually get off of and can never get back on. i know i wouldn't ride it if it were me. but here i am so i do like the rest of you, 'make the best of it' eh? that's all i can figure anyway.
in the meantime i will continue to daydream of moving very far away from anyone or anything i've ever known or who knows me and building a life apart from it all. i wish we could build our own colony and i could cease being a part of the population.
wishes get you nowhere.
just more thinking like i always do in passing, or between cleaning something else. i get down too often. down about the entire big picture of life and all it's purpose and all it's waste of time. i never understood the point in it at all. just one big roller coaster ride you eventually get off of and can never get back on. i know i wouldn't ride it if it were me. but here i am so i do like the rest of you, 'make the best of it' eh? that's all i can figure anyway.
in the meantime i will continue to daydream of moving very far away from anyone or anything i've ever known or who knows me and building a life apart from it all. i wish we could build our own colony and i could cease being a part of the population.
wishes get you nowhere.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
I'm swearing off children
Yep, been on of those days. The first time the notion of tying my tubes has ever come into my mind, as I'm attempting to pin down a 10 mo old with an elbow in the rib with one arm while I aim at getting cream in the right place with the other. It takes no less than 10 minutes to change this kid's diaper, it's like nothing I've done before.. trust me, it burns calories.
EVERYTHING with Rye is a struggle. I put off EVERYTHING with him. Even seemingly simple things like wiping off his face after a meal? Don't even think about it.. you must schedule time in your day for tasks such as this. I feel like a side show just getting him dressed.. yes mothers know dressing a baby is not easy.. less easy as they become mobile, but not all kids are this kid. I chase him around the 2 sides of our bed that aren't against a wall.. from side to side, getting a shirt over his head on one turn, an arm in a sleeve the next.. as we know, the diaper comes last.
I am exhausted. Those of you with more than 4 kids (said with love), I don't know how you've maintained or tricked yourself into thinking you've maintained sanity, because after 4 I know I have lost mine. But hmm, do crazy people ever realize they are crazy? I don't think so, as they are thinking with a crazy mind. My friend Kim (she is so much wiser than I), told me 4 was the magic number.. the point at which not only should you be done, but have pushed the limit. I didn't know if I believed her, after all I love lots of kids and a lot of things that comes with having lots of kids. I'm here to say she was dead on. She told me not long ago.. as I probably mentioned the baby itch (it comes and goes), she told me to give it time. I'm here to say she was dead on.
As I sit here typing and noticing my nasty too long of nails,that are in desperate need of filing... and 2 of my children behind me wrestling and on the verge of hurting the other one AGAIN (it's coming in 1, 2, 3, 4.... it's coming, trust me), and think of my hair that could stand a washing because I can't remember the last time I did it (crying commenced, see told ya it was coming), the couch that has turned into one gigantic laundry hamper because the need for that has outweighed the need for a place to sit, the fact that I haven't had a single meal today and it is approaching 2 pm. That is not new, as a meal for me ususally consists of whatever I can pick at as I stand in the kitchen doing 1 to 2 other things. Oh, unless I wait until bedtime for all said children to be quietly asleep in their bed (yeah RIGHT) so I can sit and enjoy my food.
..............................................
I realize wow, what have I taken on. Sure I love them, I would give my life any day of the week for any one of them but my lord, I'm drained. Am I allowed to be? It doesn't really matter if you say yes, because it's not like anything will make me less drained but I hope I'm allowed to be, because well, I am. I have long lists of things I want to do.. with the kids, for the kids, with the house, for the family. It doesn't get touched because by the end of the day, I am still trying to catch up to the day!
It will get better eh? That's what Kim says too.. I don't know if I believe her.
And if anyone wants to borrow a 2.5 yr old, I have one that thinks she is too cute for her own good. Is more vindictive than any grown woman I have ever met, and plays us like she's an expert in the field. She also stomps, pouts, hands on hips, bites, slaps, pinches, kicks and screams at anyONE or anyTHING that gets in the way of her mental plan.
Notice I left out the other 2 kids, I've run out of time and am too tired to write another book.
Yep, been one of those days... and it's still early. Sigh.
EVERYTHING with Rye is a struggle. I put off EVERYTHING with him. Even seemingly simple things like wiping off his face after a meal? Don't even think about it.. you must schedule time in your day for tasks such as this. I feel like a side show just getting him dressed.. yes mothers know dressing a baby is not easy.. less easy as they become mobile, but not all kids are this kid. I chase him around the 2 sides of our bed that aren't against a wall.. from side to side, getting a shirt over his head on one turn, an arm in a sleeve the next.. as we know, the diaper comes last.
I am exhausted. Those of you with more than 4 kids (said with love), I don't know how you've maintained or tricked yourself into thinking you've maintained sanity, because after 4 I know I have lost mine. But hmm, do crazy people ever realize they are crazy? I don't think so, as they are thinking with a crazy mind. My friend Kim (she is so much wiser than I), told me 4 was the magic number.. the point at which not only should you be done, but have pushed the limit. I didn't know if I believed her, after all I love lots of kids and a lot of things that comes with having lots of kids. I'm here to say she was dead on. She told me not long ago.. as I probably mentioned the baby itch (it comes and goes), she told me to give it time. I'm here to say she was dead on.
As I sit here typing and noticing my nasty too long of nails,that are in desperate need of filing... and 2 of my children behind me wrestling and on the verge of hurting the other one AGAIN (it's coming in 1, 2, 3, 4.... it's coming, trust me), and think of my hair that could stand a washing because I can't remember the last time I did it (crying commenced, see told ya it was coming), the couch that has turned into one gigantic laundry hamper because the need for that has outweighed the need for a place to sit, the fact that I haven't had a single meal today and it is approaching 2 pm. That is not new, as a meal for me ususally consists of whatever I can pick at as I stand in the kitchen doing 1 to 2 other things. Oh, unless I wait until bedtime for all said children to be quietly asleep in their bed (yeah RIGHT) so I can sit and enjoy my food.
..............................................
I realize wow, what have I taken on. Sure I love them, I would give my life any day of the week for any one of them but my lord, I'm drained. Am I allowed to be? It doesn't really matter if you say yes, because it's not like anything will make me less drained but I hope I'm allowed to be, because well, I am. I have long lists of things I want to do.. with the kids, for the kids, with the house, for the family. It doesn't get touched because by the end of the day, I am still trying to catch up to the day!
It will get better eh? That's what Kim says too.. I don't know if I believe her.
And if anyone wants to borrow a 2.5 yr old, I have one that thinks she is too cute for her own good. Is more vindictive than any grown woman I have ever met, and plays us like she's an expert in the field. She also stomps, pouts, hands on hips, bites, slaps, pinches, kicks and screams at anyONE or anyTHING that gets in the way of her mental plan.
Notice I left out the other 2 kids, I've run out of time and am too tired to write another book.
Yep, been one of those days... and it's still early. Sigh.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
hehe
Upon burping this morning (which I didn't hear), Jude said 'cuse me!' and I said excuse what? He said he 'buhpped'. I said OH, thank you for being so polite! I said, are you a polite boy? He says "Yes, I am a polite boy. There are no polite girls because girls don't buhp" Hahaha.
Or the other day at Seaworld we spent some time watching the Budweiser Clydesdales graze. They loooooved the horsies, horsey this horsey that. After awhile Jude said "Dad, I want to see a COW". Lol, cracked the two of us up.
I love the stuff he always comes up with. He gets wittier by the day. He's a lot fun (a lot of headache too) these days. Half the time I can't keep a straight face at such a strong personality and such strong convictions about the way things should be, in the life of a 4 year old. ;) He keeps us in stitches.
Or the other day at Seaworld we spent some time watching the Budweiser Clydesdales graze. They loooooved the horsies, horsey this horsey that. After awhile Jude said "Dad, I want to see a COW". Lol, cracked the two of us up.
I love the stuff he always comes up with. He gets wittier by the day. He's a lot fun (a lot of headache too) these days. Half the time I can't keep a straight face at such a strong personality and such strong convictions about the way things should be, in the life of a 4 year old. ;) He keeps us in stitches.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
YUMMY Chili!!
Been awhile since I've cooked. Just too tired, too much going on.. too down .. too many things ha. The weather here I guess has made me want some chili and to use my slow cooker again (love that thing). I of course consume little to no meat, so it had to be vegetarian. I got this recipe off allrecipes.com (love that site!) and thought I'd give it a whirl. It is SO GOOD. Oh my, I will be eating this every day until I eat it all! It does make alot.. the amounts called for. I have a huge crockpot so it worked well for me, and if I'm gonna cook something for 8 hrs it better be a lot of food! I doubt anyone else here will eat this seeing as it contains beans (I could live on beans!) and is weird looking (isn't shaped like pizza or nuggets or fries) to my weird children. But I will definitely make this again!
It's suggested to serve this with tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, guac and sour cream.. ummm YUMMY!! I am just eating it plain, and maybe with chips to cut the calories but I can imagine how awesome it would be with all that extra yummy stuff. I luuuuuuuuuv Mexicano!! hehe.
***I cut the onions to 3 (that's alot of onion!), and added a few good shakes of Emeril's Bayou Blast (that stuff rocks).***
INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup olive oil
4 onions, chopped
2 green bell peppers, seeded
and chopped
2 red bell peppers, seeded and
chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14 ounce) package firm tofu,
drained and cubed
4 (15.5 ounce) cans black
beans, drained
2 (15 ounce) cans crushed
tomatoes
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black
pepper
2 teaspoons ground cumin
6 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons distilled white
vinegar
1 tablespoon liquid hot pepper
sauce, such as
Tabasco™
DIRECTIONS:
1.
Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions; cook and stir until they start to become soft. Add the green peppers, red peppers, garlic and tofu; cook and stir until vegetables are lightly browned and tender, the whole process should take about 10 minutes.
2.
Pour the black beans into the slow cooker and set to Low. Stir in the sauteed vegetables and tomatoes. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder, oregano, vinegar and hot pepper sauce. Stir gently and cover. Cook on Low for 6 to 8 hours.
It's suggested to serve this with tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, guac and sour cream.. ummm YUMMY!! I am just eating it plain, and maybe with chips to cut the calories but I can imagine how awesome it would be with all that extra yummy stuff. I luuuuuuuuuv Mexicano!! hehe.
***I cut the onions to 3 (that's alot of onion!), and added a few good shakes of Emeril's Bayou Blast (that stuff rocks).***
INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup olive oil
4 onions, chopped
2 green bell peppers, seeded
and chopped
2 red bell peppers, seeded and
chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (14 ounce) package firm tofu,
drained and cubed
4 (15.5 ounce) cans black
beans, drained
2 (15 ounce) cans crushed
tomatoes
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black
pepper
2 teaspoons ground cumin
6 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons distilled white
vinegar
1 tablespoon liquid hot pepper
sauce, such as
Tabasco™
DIRECTIONS:
1.
Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions; cook and stir until they start to become soft. Add the green peppers, red peppers, garlic and tofu; cook and stir until vegetables are lightly browned and tender, the whole process should take about 10 minutes.
2.
Pour the black beans into the slow cooker and set to Low. Stir in the sauteed vegetables and tomatoes. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, chili powder, oregano, vinegar and hot pepper sauce. Stir gently and cover. Cook on Low for 6 to 8 hours.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Out of order
So I've officially (once again) reached the weight I was prior to conceiving Jude, prior to conceiving Elsha, and prior to conceiving Rye. It took a bit longer this time for whatever reason, things have been sluggish and slow going. But it's depressed me for many a months so I am happy to feel even just a little better about myself (for the moment). I need that more than most of you know.
Now my ideal weight is still 5-6 lbs lighter (depending on the day)than I am or have been in 5 years. If you do the calculations, I conceived the last 3 babies either right before or after the other turned one year old. Rye is just a bit less than 2 months away from being one year old (sobs). This year though, I've got the out of order sign hung on my uterus. I will hopefully get to maybe experience staying thin for a good length of time and maybe reaching my ideal weight eventually! Experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and birth is right up there on my list of favorite things to do, but I won't lie and say it is not a sheer assault on the human body.. especially when you do it 3 times back to back and breastfeeding in between.. I've seen/felt the reprecussions of it. I of course would go back and do it all again, wouldn't doubt for a second it wasn't worth it. ;)
The point of this post being, that as sad as I get (and as weird as it feels, and as weird as that sounds) thinking of not being pregnant when my baby turns a year old.. and the fact that my baby is turning a year old.. and many other complicated and in depth, and too far thought out feelings I go through every week at least... I in turn can look forward to finally, after about 2 years, being comfortable in my skin (my friends will be happy to hear me say this I know). And I can in turn look most forward to enjoying my baby boy and all his wonders of life as he heads into his 2nd year of life on this earth. It's easy to miss the excitment, and fascinations, laughs, smiles, cute little things that happen on a daily basis with babies- with your eyes propped open with toothpicks, and head stuck in a toilet. Okay, so those are the negative things lol, but it's indeed true I have missed ALOT in the kid's lives between the ages of 1 and 2 and it saddens me. I wish I could duplicate myself and give my all to every one one of them, but as we all have that wish, we know it's just a wish and spend the rest of the time trying to keep up.
Sometimes I envy people with 2 kids. It seems the perfect number alot of the time but for me, it just wasn't perfect. ;) And then I see them all interact and love on eachother from the start of a day, until the end and I know why I went past 2. =) It surely sucks when sickness visits us, as it still is right now.. and the worry comes to me and won't let me go. I am no less paranoid after 4 than I was being a first time mom, but that is just me being a worrier. And it surely sucks when you come up on another birthday and another year gone by, because time will never slow down no matter how much I seem to fight against it. And in fact for those of you without kids, if you ever want to speed your days up.. have a child. If you really want to see things fly by, have more than one.
Much more blogging about my feelings on this topic later I'm sure, as Rye's big day approaches. Get ready to get bored. ;)
Oops, if you weren't already. No one promised this blog to be exciting. hehe.
Now my ideal weight is still 5-6 lbs lighter (depending on the day)than I am or have been in 5 years. If you do the calculations, I conceived the last 3 babies either right before or after the other turned one year old. Rye is just a bit less than 2 months away from being one year old (sobs). This year though, I've got the out of order sign hung on my uterus. I will hopefully get to maybe experience staying thin for a good length of time and maybe reaching my ideal weight eventually! Experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and birth is right up there on my list of favorite things to do, but I won't lie and say it is not a sheer assault on the human body.. especially when you do it 3 times back to back and breastfeeding in between.. I've seen/felt the reprecussions of it. I of course would go back and do it all again, wouldn't doubt for a second it wasn't worth it. ;)
The point of this post being, that as sad as I get (and as weird as it feels, and as weird as that sounds) thinking of not being pregnant when my baby turns a year old.. and the fact that my baby is turning a year old.. and many other complicated and in depth, and too far thought out feelings I go through every week at least... I in turn can look forward to finally, after about 2 years, being comfortable in my skin (my friends will be happy to hear me say this I know). And I can in turn look most forward to enjoying my baby boy and all his wonders of life as he heads into his 2nd year of life on this earth. It's easy to miss the excitment, and fascinations, laughs, smiles, cute little things that happen on a daily basis with babies- with your eyes propped open with toothpicks, and head stuck in a toilet. Okay, so those are the negative things lol, but it's indeed true I have missed ALOT in the kid's lives between the ages of 1 and 2 and it saddens me. I wish I could duplicate myself and give my all to every one one of them, but as we all have that wish, we know it's just a wish and spend the rest of the time trying to keep up.
Sometimes I envy people with 2 kids. It seems the perfect number alot of the time but for me, it just wasn't perfect. ;) And then I see them all interact and love on eachother from the start of a day, until the end and I know why I went past 2. =) It surely sucks when sickness visits us, as it still is right now.. and the worry comes to me and won't let me go. I am no less paranoid after 4 than I was being a first time mom, but that is just me being a worrier. And it surely sucks when you come up on another birthday and another year gone by, because time will never slow down no matter how much I seem to fight against it. And in fact for those of you without kids, if you ever want to speed your days up.. have a child. If you really want to see things fly by, have more than one.
Much more blogging about my feelings on this topic later I'm sure, as Rye's big day approaches. Get ready to get bored. ;)
Oops, if you weren't already. No one promised this blog to be exciting. hehe.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
sick
sick i hate being sick, why am i sick.. please go away. i can't think today being sick. and did i mention everyone too is also sick like me, but worse because i can handle being sick... sort of. i am good at cleaning (i think that's about it), dirt and puke, poop and pee... im good at those things. perhaps i should have been a nurse and at least get paid to clean up after sick people. oh then but wait, did i mention i can only clean up after me and my own.. my own not so much when they hit like 6, then it gets some how much more gross. especially if you have morning sickness, then cleaning up vomit is just not good for that. i dont have morning sickness but i did once and had to clean up vomit, and i can tell you, you don't want to have to do that.
i am in the twighlight zone. this sickness has done me in and i dont know what it is, but it's not kind to me.. or the others. i want to feel like me again and be able to concentrate on one thing for longer than the 2 mins it takes to enter and leave my head. im going in circles around here wondering where i was going mid way through the circle. this isn't good!
everyone here is glassy eyed and spacey, grumpy, whiney, snotty and coughing up part of a lung. i run around with my thermometer taking temperatures.. 1, 2, 3, 4.. doling out medicine, getting noses to blow and wiping and or suctioning the noses that don't know how. clorox wipes are a dear friend as is my washer and dryer. these 2 things i would never want to live without.
but now im sick to my stomach probably from surviving on some coffee, a beer, 4 saltines and 3 pickle chips. hmm, that'll do it. at least i've lost a little weight. i'd rather not be...
SICK. =(
leave us alone.
i am in the twighlight zone. this sickness has done me in and i dont know what it is, but it's not kind to me.. or the others. i want to feel like me again and be able to concentrate on one thing for longer than the 2 mins it takes to enter and leave my head. im going in circles around here wondering where i was going mid way through the circle. this isn't good!
everyone here is glassy eyed and spacey, grumpy, whiney, snotty and coughing up part of a lung. i run around with my thermometer taking temperatures.. 1, 2, 3, 4.. doling out medicine, getting noses to blow and wiping and or suctioning the noses that don't know how. clorox wipes are a dear friend as is my washer and dryer. these 2 things i would never want to live without.
but now im sick to my stomach probably from surviving on some coffee, a beer, 4 saltines and 3 pickle chips. hmm, that'll do it. at least i've lost a little weight. i'd rather not be...
SICK. =(
leave us alone.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower
~Albert Camus
Tomorrow is the anniversary of your birth, one year ago. I remember it vividly even though not my own. I waited patiently for your arrival, all 9+ months of it. Your Momma and I talked alot, mostly daily about you and all kinds of other stuffs that sometimes mattered, and sometimes not. Despite getting ready to have another baby of my own, I was more excited to hear when you finally graced this earth with your presence. Your Momma has very special children to me and I was so excited to see you join them, and the details of your little face.
I kept the last email from your Momma before she gave birth to you, dated Tuesday, October 16, 2007 5:03 PM ..
" water broke...going in."
We had been talking all day if this was to be the day of your birth! And I really felt it would be but, I was boiling over with excitement when that email came through! By that time, it was too late to respond back but I waited for what seemed like many hours for the text message update of how you both were doing. I was so happy to find out you were here and that all was well. I slept with my phone beside my bed so your Mom could text me anytime she wanted to and I'd be there for her. I remember awakening in the wee hours of morning to the first photo of you. .. what an awesome feeling to finally see you after all that time waiting!
I've watched you grow over the last year, and faster than I think anyone would like you to have. ;) I am looking forward to another year of watching you change and learn (and get cuter!). I hope I get to meet you one day, and you don't think I'm a total weirdo for wanting to give you big squishy hugs if only being your long distance Auntie, whom you've never seen (in person) lol.
You are loved little girl.
Happiest of Birthdays to you.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of your birth, one year ago. I remember it vividly even though not my own. I waited patiently for your arrival, all 9+ months of it. Your Momma and I talked alot, mostly daily about you and all kinds of other stuffs that sometimes mattered, and sometimes not. Despite getting ready to have another baby of my own, I was more excited to hear when you finally graced this earth with your presence. Your Momma has very special children to me and I was so excited to see you join them, and the details of your little face.
I kept the last email from your Momma before she gave birth to you, dated Tuesday, October 16, 2007 5:03 PM ..
" water broke...going in."
We had been talking all day if this was to be the day of your birth! And I really felt it would be but, I was boiling over with excitement when that email came through! By that time, it was too late to respond back but I waited for what seemed like many hours for the text message update of how you both were doing. I was so happy to find out you were here and that all was well. I slept with my phone beside my bed so your Mom could text me anytime she wanted to and I'd be there for her. I remember awakening in the wee hours of morning to the first photo of you. .. what an awesome feeling to finally see you after all that time waiting!
I've watched you grow over the last year, and faster than I think anyone would like you to have. ;) I am looking forward to another year of watching you change and learn (and get cuter!). I hope I get to meet you one day, and you don't think I'm a total weirdo for wanting to give you big squishy hugs if only being your long distance Auntie, whom you've never seen (in person) lol.
You are loved little girl.
Happiest of Birthdays to you.
Tis the season
to paint pumpkins. This is the first year I've done this, having gotten the idea from my friend Lisa. They had fun. The pumpkins turned out looking a little abused rather than painted, but who cares... the peace and quiet I got out of it, and the fun and mess they got out of it, was all worth it. =)
Now, I'm just waiting for Winter here in lovely (insert sarcastic voice) Florida, so we can feel the Fall. Oh how I love Winter because I live in this state. I am longing for it to lift the mood draping over me.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The shape of things
The other night as I was kissing Jude goodnight, I told him I was going to go walk around the block. He asked me to repeat was I was going to do, and then with a huge smile and laughter informed me that "MOM, blocks aren't round!!".
lol.
I had to then try to explain, which well, I never did, I simply responded with a question (as I like to do with children)"'they're not?".
It is completely impossible to replicate the mind of a child, but I love watching them work and hearing what comes out those busy little places. =)
lol.
I had to then try to explain, which well, I never did, I simply responded with a question (as I like to do with children)"'they're not?".
It is completely impossible to replicate the mind of a child, but I love watching them work and hearing what comes out those busy little places. =)
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Ma and God~ the great Shel Silverstein
**Reading to my children the other day, this one gave me a much needed chuckle**
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Use your fork."
God gave us voices - Ma says, " Don't scream."
Ma says eat broccoli, cereal and carrots.
But God gave us tasteys for maple ice cream.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, " Use your hanky."
God gave us puddles - Ma says, "Don't splash ."
Ma says, "Be quite, you father is sleeping."
But God gave us garbage can covers to crash.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Put your gloves on."
God gave us raindrops - Ma says, " Don't get wet."
Ma says be careful, and don't get too near to
Those strange lovely dogs that God gave us to pet.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Go wash 'em."
But God gave us coal bins and nice dirty bodies.
And I ain't too smart, but there's one thing for certain ~
Either Ma's wrong or else God is.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Use your fork."
God gave us voices - Ma says, " Don't scream."
Ma says eat broccoli, cereal and carrots.
But God gave us tasteys for maple ice cream.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, " Use your hanky."
God gave us puddles - Ma says, "Don't splash ."
Ma says, "Be quite, you father is sleeping."
But God gave us garbage can covers to crash.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Put your gloves on."
God gave us raindrops - Ma says, " Don't get wet."
Ma says be careful, and don't get too near to
Those strange lovely dogs that God gave us to pet.
God gave us fingers - Ma says, "Go wash 'em."
But God gave us coal bins and nice dirty bodies.
And I ain't too smart, but there's one thing for certain ~
Either Ma's wrong or else God is.
Friday, October 3, 2008
...
The sound of small chatter fills the empty space I’ve grown used to
I’ve grown against hope
I’ve been blown where the wind has told me to go
Far from where I’d been
Anything or anyone I hold
Dear is leaving me
I’ve been told
In so many words
I guess everyone has to have a reason to be happy
People don’t get it when you don’t
And no one really wants to know otherwise
So I smile and I am polite and
No one is the wiser
I fall down when I am out of view
No one comes to check on me these days
Being alive accounts for too much
Anymore
Waking up doesn’t mean
I want to be here
It just means I woke up
And
No one else can fit in this room
It’s crowded complete with all my trouble
Yet space has a way of making room for more
Of those
I am growing old alone
Right alongside you
Alongside me
I’m disturbed
Sleep brings me no relief
I’m pushed down and the surface is
too hard to see
Sure I’m gonna make it
Been brainwashed into thinking I’m stronger than
this
But at the end of the day
I’m still dying inside
Your worlds are
Slowing down and looking
More blue and more green
With smiles upturning
I am slowly going blind
Very far
Away
I’ve grown against hope
I’ve been blown where the wind has told me to go
Far from where I’d been
Anything or anyone I hold
Dear is leaving me
I’ve been told
In so many words
I guess everyone has to have a reason to be happy
People don’t get it when you don’t
And no one really wants to know otherwise
So I smile and I am polite and
No one is the wiser
I fall down when I am out of view
No one comes to check on me these days
Being alive accounts for too much
Anymore
Waking up doesn’t mean
I want to be here
It just means I woke up
And
No one else can fit in this room
It’s crowded complete with all my trouble
Yet space has a way of making room for more
Of those
I am growing old alone
Right alongside you
Alongside me
I’m disturbed
Sleep brings me no relief
I’m pushed down and the surface is
too hard to see
Sure I’m gonna make it
Been brainwashed into thinking I’m stronger than
this
But at the end of the day
I’m still dying inside
Your worlds are
Slowing down and looking
More blue and more green
With smiles upturning
I am slowly going blind
Very far
Away
Friday, September 26, 2008
Faith = 0
I've had a life by no means easy, by no means without heartache, without heart wrenching, mind numbing pain.. many years of it actually.. not without those things, that is. I once had a close co-worker tell me (the day I was to find out my husband was killed in a car accident) that because I had had SO much turmoil for so long, that there was to come a time when I would be able to be peaceful and to live without this all, and my hard times were soon to come to an end and I would have the happiness I deserved. She was right. After a time of much much more stress, in a variety of areas,.. I found Chris and we have since have created 3 blessings (in the way of children), and after today, that is all I can think of that has been positive in my life in the last 8 years. After some (not a whole lot) thought, I am wondering about this.. I haven't taken the thoughts very far because to be honest, I am drained emotionally these days and I don't have it in me. But nonetheless it's interesting that the only things that have brought me any sort of peace and happiness and positivity and light in this world in EIGHT whole years, have been children.. no wonder I keep wanting them ha.. nothing else GOOD happens in my life! I mean sure, little things .. but nothing I can write home about and say WOW, things are really turning around for me/us, no.
Point being, I am quickly losing hope about our life ever getting easier, less stressful or less ANYTHING bad. If I was a religious person, this is right about the time I would be losing all faith in God and look like the fool who puts all his belief in him, only to be let down and made to look like I am holding on to a God who does not take care of me.
THAT I often think of but again, let it go because well.. I am far too busy to linger on these details. Life sucks, but it never slows down. Kids never stop needing to get shuttled here and there, need juice and cereal and milk and cookies and toys and crayons, and school stuff and pictures, field trips.. science lab lists, club actitivites, meetings and conferences, parties, donations, GAS to reach all these destinations. This is just part of what distracts my head on a partial daily basis. The rest is what I'm not currently producing brain activity in... it will come to me again and soon.
It is true we are still here, most of us are healthy (I on the other hand am a mess but will never be able to afford insurance to get to any Dr's), and most definitely kicking, albeit out of a sheer fit from being mad at life, and not so much feeling strong anymore. I have been beaten down by life and I don't know how much longer I am going to mentally hold up. I have been the glue that holds us together in many ways and if I can't keep doing that, then where will we be? Unfortunately faith doesn't put food on our shelves and keep our electricity on, it doesn't pay our mortgage so we can keep the roof that we've grown out of, over our heads. It does not put gas in my car, or at least since Chris is the one with this so called 'faith' it hasn't put gas in his. It sounds good when people say it, and almost convincing for the one with a desperate heart. I am desperate, I have been there and when I was, faith got me nowhere. Today I have the internet and the kids are fed and we still have our house that is far too small yet Chris is killing himself to try to pay for, but no one can tell us what next week will bring. Our life has no security in any area, and I'm tired of living this way. And in the meantime I'm trying to fgure out at what point in time we did something so wrong, immoral or unjust as to be paying the price for this long.
So if there is a God, shine a little light down on us and show us you're there. I've only ever tried to be a good person and do right by others, take care of my own and anyone else I can, even if it means not taking care of me. I want to enjoy my children while they are children and not be sick to my stomach every day because something else is falling down around us, I don't want to grow old this way. It's obvious the control is no longer ours, if it ever was..
and I'm waiting for a lifeline.. .
..
Point being, I am quickly losing hope about our life ever getting easier, less stressful or less ANYTHING bad. If I was a religious person, this is right about the time I would be losing all faith in God and look like the fool who puts all his belief in him, only to be let down and made to look like I am holding on to a God who does not take care of me.
THAT I often think of but again, let it go because well.. I am far too busy to linger on these details. Life sucks, but it never slows down. Kids never stop needing to get shuttled here and there, need juice and cereal and milk and cookies and toys and crayons, and school stuff and pictures, field trips.. science lab lists, club actitivites, meetings and conferences, parties, donations, GAS to reach all these destinations. This is just part of what distracts my head on a partial daily basis. The rest is what I'm not currently producing brain activity in... it will come to me again and soon.
It is true we are still here, most of us are healthy (I on the other hand am a mess but will never be able to afford insurance to get to any Dr's), and most definitely kicking, albeit out of a sheer fit from being mad at life, and not so much feeling strong anymore. I have been beaten down by life and I don't know how much longer I am going to mentally hold up. I have been the glue that holds us together in many ways and if I can't keep doing that, then where will we be? Unfortunately faith doesn't put food on our shelves and keep our electricity on, it doesn't pay our mortgage so we can keep the roof that we've grown out of, over our heads. It does not put gas in my car, or at least since Chris is the one with this so called 'faith' it hasn't put gas in his. It sounds good when people say it, and almost convincing for the one with a desperate heart. I am desperate, I have been there and when I was, faith got me nowhere. Today I have the internet and the kids are fed and we still have our house that is far too small yet Chris is killing himself to try to pay for, but no one can tell us what next week will bring. Our life has no security in any area, and I'm tired of living this way. And in the meantime I'm trying to fgure out at what point in time we did something so wrong, immoral or unjust as to be paying the price for this long.
So if there is a God, shine a little light down on us and show us you're there. I've only ever tried to be a good person and do right by others, take care of my own and anyone else I can, even if it means not taking care of me. I want to enjoy my children while they are children and not be sick to my stomach every day because something else is falling down around us, I don't want to grow old this way. It's obvious the control is no longer ours, if it ever was..
and I'm waiting for a lifeline.. .
..
Monday, September 22, 2008
My Gang as of late
So they are cute and crazy and chaotic and they drain me and.... I want more of these?! (maybe) =D But they ARE pretty cute eh? hehe
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sharin' the cuteness
We have I believe 13 diapers now. Not ALOT! but enough to get us by with washing every other day like I had wanted. I wouldn't mind a few more mostly because umm, I'm obsessed? You heard it here first. ;) But for any of you that either CD or have been interested to try it, how can you resist seeeing these on your little ones's tush? It's not at all easy! which is why I endlessly window shop for more. =) These 2 are my latest arrivals... more Green Acre Designs.
Green feels Good =)
So, I decided to buy some clothesline to start hanging my dipes on sunny days to get a good airing out or sunning. We are doing well so far in our journey, with a couple snags along the way. So far though, despite a few bumps and finding out what works for us best, I really love this way of diapering. It's only made me want to do more and more things in a 'greener' way. I try to keep improving upon things in our life and home that I can change or at least make better. It's become a way of life almost to not be so fast just to toss something out, without first thinking what else I could possibly use it for and recycle into a brand new purpose. I feel guilty now for using any plastic bags at all at the stores.. either if I forget to bring them all with me, or I have too much for the 3 cloth bags I own. So I will be buying a few more very soon so I can avoid the plastic ones altogether. And just when you think you've found your new groove, your fiance goes and buys a pack of paper plates... to make your life with 4 children 'easier'. He caught a bit of smack for that but what are ya gonna do..(I don't use them he does hehe), he meant well, in his own lazy man way, :D
I've never hung clothes in the sunshine before, and I loved it. It made me feel one step closer to nature, and one step closer in the right direction on the way to my goal of simplifying our life.. a good spirit lifter for me as of late.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You!...
Happy Birthday Miss Kiley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. (and many moooooooooooooore) hehehe.
I wish I was there to give you a BIG GIRL birthday hug!!!!! But since I can't.. Here are SIX big computer hugs for the princess! ..oooooo's!!!!!!Those were hugs but I'll throw in a couple kisses too! xx's!!
I hope you had the best birthday ever so far! And that your Momma's cupcakes were yummy-lish-ish!!!
Sweetest big girl dreams to my favorite 6 year old!!!!!!
~Auntie Kris
I wish I was there to give you a BIG GIRL birthday hug!!!!! But since I can't.. Here are SIX big computer hugs for the princess! ..oooooo's!!!!!!Those were hugs but I'll throw in a couple kisses too! xx's!!
I hope you had the best birthday ever so far! And that your Momma's cupcakes were yummy-lish-ish!!!
Sweetest big girl dreams to my favorite 6 year old!!!!!!
~Auntie Kris
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Green Acre Designs Diapers ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I have delved into the cloth diapering world and my most favorite diaper as of yet is the GAD. I adore these diapers- yes even over the famous Fuzzi Bunz ;). They have a much better, and trimmer fit.. the color choices available are just awesome and can't compete with other cloth diapers out there. They are adorable!!!!!!! And the best part of them? THEY DON'T LEAK ALL NIGHT LONG!!!! I have an extremely heavy wetter so I have found out after starting cloth. The first time I tried cloth.. (see post below), was a Fuzzi Bunz at night well the results are: it failed. The insert didn't even come close to absorbing half of what it needed to, and hadn't even made it to 1 am yet! Needless to say, he went back into a Huggies that night. =( I then went on to do more research the next day into what inserts I needed to make a cloth diaper work at night. I ended up ordering an assortment of both hemp inserts, and also ones that are meant to fit the Fuzzi Bunz. I received these inserts today! I have much prepping to do on my hemp ones, as they need to be washed and washed and washed.. (several more times to) to reach maximum absorbency and be ready to use! The repeated washing strips the naturally occurring oils out of the hemp- oil repels water remember? We don't want that. Once that is gone, people RAVE about hemp, especially for night use. We will try whatever we can!
Well in the meantime, I received the inserts that fit my GAD's in the mail. The next night I decided to try one of those in the GAD for kicks.. after all they looked super thick on their own and also fold where you need the absorbency most. No leaks since using one of these at night for Mr. Pee pants! I'm in love. =) For daytime use the Fuzzi Bunz have been just awesome for us, they also may work wonders at night with the proper insert or insertS.
I am on the search for more! And have just been informed about a fleece version of this diaper that is excellent for being breathable all night long (PUL is what is on the rest of our dipes that makes them waterproof). So, I want to try one of those too!
We are coming along on our journey! And will get better at it as we go!
Friday, August 22, 2008
My Fuzzi Bun ;)
Tonight Rye sports a 'fluffy' butt. ;) We are experimenting since I got 2 inserts in the mail today for my 2 Fuzzi Bunz that did not come with them. They are a bit on the bulky side I've noticed.. and don't know yet what the inserts that come with Fuzzi Bunz are like, to know if these are bulkier. I don't care about nighttime bulk, as long as it's going to absorb well.. but during the day and under his clothing, might not work out ideally. This is the very beginning of my cloth experimentation so we may have a long road ahead as far as getting it down to a science of knowing, what works for daytime, and for nighttime. Rye is no longer a newborn as we know, so hopefully it won't be too complicated. He didn't used to be a heavy wetter at night either, before he decided he needed a midnight, or 3, or 4, 5 or 6 am snack to quench his hunger pangs. NOW though, he pees like like a champ and will out pee anything Luvs or Pampers can throw at him. This may be a challenge indeedy-o. But, maybe not. Enjoy the pics... updates on our little cloth journey to come!
First try at my own wipes solution, we'll see how this one works out (smells YUM!):
2 cups filtered water
2 tbsp vegetable oil
2 tbsp baby wash
2 tbsp baby lotion
5 drops tea tree oil
First try at my own wipes solution, we'll see how this one works out (smells YUM!):
2 cups filtered water
2 tbsp vegetable oil
2 tbsp baby wash
2 tbsp baby lotion
5 drops tea tree oil
Only a boy...
Could give himself a rug burn to this degree. How you ask? (and this is better) because he was laying on the floor spinning himself in circles (by kicking his feet), so his cars could zoom around in circles also, veddy fast so I'm gathering. He did cry but I didn't know why, just seeing a couple cars on the floor and a little red spot that looked like nothing. I figured his freak out was just him being him being dramatic, as he tends towards. The next morning when I saw this, I knew why he was so upset!!
Oh what fun lies ahead.. And one day (soon) I'll have two (okay 3, seeing as Dad just as bad) of these creatures in my midst?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Coming closer to completion
So, I am almost finished receiving the items that will complete my cloth stash! I can't tell you how excited I was to watch from the window as the mailman stuffed packages into my box, and then proceed to the door with another one. I received 4 packages today! Here is what I currently have:
~ wetbag (hanging diaper pail essentially, that will be washed alongside diapers)
~ 12 custom made too-cute-for-word cloth wipes
(http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199767) HIGHLY recommend her!!!
~ 12 organic flannel wipes
~ 2 Fuzzi Bunz dipes
~ 2 Green Acre Designs dipes
The rest of my diapers will be here in the next 2 weeks. And tonight I will finish ordering the inserts for the 5 diapers I will have that came without them. When I get the others I will FINALLY be able to start this new experience! In the meantime check out the pics of my new stuff, heehee.
~ wetbag (hanging diaper pail essentially, that will be washed alongside diapers)
~ 12 custom made too-cute-for-word cloth wipes
(http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199767) HIGHLY recommend her!!!
~ 12 organic flannel wipes
~ 2 Fuzzi Bunz dipes
~ 2 Green Acre Designs dipes
The rest of my diapers will be here in the next 2 weeks. And tonight I will finish ordering the inserts for the 5 diapers I will have that came without them. When I get the others I will FINALLY be able to start this new experience! In the meantime check out the pics of my new stuff, heehee.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I love these!!
Okay so I never jumped on the whole fabric shopping bag bandwagon, I admit it, it was the least of my ever-so-many growing concerns as of late. But, one day while finishing off another carton of Silk soymilk, and entering my green cap for another chance to win something.. sure enough, I won!! I've won 2 things in my life that I can remember, a red Cocoa Cola shirt when I was quite small (where is that shirt? hm), and a plastic Alf mug (yes that was obviously awhile ago too). So, I was naturally thrilled! I recieved a $50 gift card to this store: http://www.gaiam.com/
One of my purchases were these: http://www.gaiam.com/product/gift-guide/gifts-by-occasion/housewarming/chicobag+reusable+shopping+bags.do?search=basic&keyword=bags&sortby=bestSellers&page=1
Let me just say how much I LOVE these bags! I got 3 of them and on my largest of trips (which haven't been HUGE) thus far, I have only needed those 3. They hold quite a lot and seem rather sturdy too. I initially was worried I would forget I had them with me and use them at all (much like cash on the rare occasion it occupies my wallet) but since I received them several weeks ago, I've not used a single plastic bag! The downside is we have one of those bag sock things hanging up because I 'recycle' them as trash bags in the small cans around the house, so we tend to run extremely low thanks to me haha. So, I will rely on Chris's trips to replenish the plastic bag supply I guess.
Thinking I may get some more just to have for those trips I do need more than the 3. The cool thing about them unlike most reusable bags, is that they fold up into themsevles in this little pocket and take up like no space. They are also made to hang on a keychain or something. They're totally cute hehe. As I become more and more conscious of the environment and it's impact on the health of my family, I try to make minor changes as I'm able. I'm excited when I do!
One of my purchases were these: http://www.gaiam.com/product/gift-guide/gifts-by-occasion/housewarming/chicobag+reusable+shopping+bags.do?search=basic&keyword=bags&sortby=bestSellers&page=1
Let me just say how much I LOVE these bags! I got 3 of them and on my largest of trips (which haven't been HUGE) thus far, I have only needed those 3. They hold quite a lot and seem rather sturdy too. I initially was worried I would forget I had them with me and use them at all (much like cash on the rare occasion it occupies my wallet) but since I received them several weeks ago, I've not used a single plastic bag! The downside is we have one of those bag sock things hanging up because I 'recycle' them as trash bags in the small cans around the house, so we tend to run extremely low thanks to me haha. So, I will rely on Chris's trips to replenish the plastic bag supply I guess.
Thinking I may get some more just to have for those trips I do need more than the 3. The cool thing about them unlike most reusable bags, is that they fold up into themsevles in this little pocket and take up like no space. They are also made to hang on a keychain or something. They're totally cute hehe. As I become more and more conscious of the environment and it's impact on the health of my family, I try to make minor changes as I'm able. I'm excited when I do!
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