okay so we had rye rye's bash yesterday and that was fun. i put so much mental (and some physical too) energy into that it seemed like i blinked, the kids were in bed and the day was done. as i look around at all the balloons and decorations covering the walls, i am saddened this is all life is, one moment in time and then it is gone- forever. that leads me back into dark places in my brain again that life is all one big waste of time. i mean, it is. i dont care what any of you 'believe' what you're doing here or where you're going afterwards. i believe we're all ending up in the same place after trying so hard to stay caught up while we're here...
i think it's important to let go of it all. one day it's here and the next it will be gone, so enjoy it while it's here because all we will have are memories. =( memories fade, and that is the real sad part.
last night i got sad, so sad i teared up some at the thought of my kids growing older. turning into different kids right before my eyes, only i'm too busy to notice until a photograph reminds me. and it is SO fast folks i mean. most of us spend our days doing unimportant things, things we HAVE to do to once again, get through this life to something we think waits for us on the other side. for me it's death, so what am i killing myself for now? lol. stop and enjoy every moment. this is my new focus. stop craving material things. simplify your lives. don't expend ANY energy on other people besides the ones that truly matter and are worth something so precious. worry when you have a reason to. don't envy. dont hate. hoping can be a good thing but not if when your hope turns into something unexpected, it lets you down. in that case, don't hope. just live with no expectations of what is to come. life happens as it should i believe and every day is just us turning another page over in each of our written books. i'm waiting to get to the REALLY good part. but for now, i am waking up to see what this day holds for me.
having said all of this, i am still sad to see the time go. it makes me feel old. it makes me think ahead (which isn't something good) of when my kids will be grown, i will be older and looking back fondly on these times that now, seem like one hell of stress. i dont want to be old. i dont want my kids to grow up. i am holding fast to my life as it is, although not perfect, hell even not ideal. im afraid to move past it. im afraid to be OLD. im afraid for my kids to leave me. i am afraid to lose my worth and be faced with my own demons that for now, i can easily stave off. i look for things to busy me, to distract me, and with the 4 kiddos you don't have to look far.
am i ready to do this all over again? no. but i still crave the brand new smell of a baby. the way you can snuggle and cuddle them as much as you want to without much protest. the way they fall asleep after a full belly. the way they cry as hard as their lungs allow, and even that isn't 'loud'. i miss being all they need. i miss being 'needed'. i miss all these moments that get clouded and then drowned out by all the sleepless, hormonal nightmarish nights that i don't miss. ;)
...
..
.
that's all for now. what you see is what you get. i'm not afraid to be honest. the food was good, the cake was too. i got alot of good pics of my little smurf and enjoyed being with family. one more piece of me has disappeared with another year.
He turned quite blue heehee, bath water did too!
i think it's important to let go of it all. one day it's here and the next it will be gone, so enjoy it while it's here because all we will have are memories. =( memories fade, and that is the real sad part.
last night i got sad, so sad i teared up some at the thought of my kids growing older. turning into different kids right before my eyes, only i'm too busy to notice until a photograph reminds me. and it is SO fast folks i mean. most of us spend our days doing unimportant things, things we HAVE to do to once again, get through this life to something we think waits for us on the other side. for me it's death, so what am i killing myself for now? lol. stop and enjoy every moment. this is my new focus. stop craving material things. simplify your lives. don't expend ANY energy on other people besides the ones that truly matter and are worth something so precious. worry when you have a reason to. don't envy. dont hate. hoping can be a good thing but not if when your hope turns into something unexpected, it lets you down. in that case, don't hope. just live with no expectations of what is to come. life happens as it should i believe and every day is just us turning another page over in each of our written books. i'm waiting to get to the REALLY good part. but for now, i am waking up to see what this day holds for me.
having said all of this, i am still sad to see the time go. it makes me feel old. it makes me think ahead (which isn't something good) of when my kids will be grown, i will be older and looking back fondly on these times that now, seem like one hell of stress. i dont want to be old. i dont want my kids to grow up. i am holding fast to my life as it is, although not perfect, hell even not ideal. im afraid to move past it. im afraid to be OLD. im afraid for my kids to leave me. i am afraid to lose my worth and be faced with my own demons that for now, i can easily stave off. i look for things to busy me, to distract me, and with the 4 kiddos you don't have to look far.
am i ready to do this all over again? no. but i still crave the brand new smell of a baby. the way you can snuggle and cuddle them as much as you want to without much protest. the way they fall asleep after a full belly. the way they cry as hard as their lungs allow, and even that isn't 'loud'. i miss being all they need. i miss being 'needed'. i miss all these moments that get clouded and then drowned out by all the sleepless, hormonal nightmarish nights that i don't miss. ;)
...
..
.
that's all for now. what you see is what you get. i'm not afraid to be honest. the food was good, the cake was too. i got alot of good pics of my little smurf and enjoyed being with family. one more piece of me has disappeared with another year.
He turned quite blue heehee, bath water did too!
YUMMY spinach lasagna that everyone loved, including baby Rye bear and his carnivorous father. ;)
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